Ray's musings and humor

Let’s sing today

“Some days there won’t be a song in your heart. Sing anyway.”

Emory Austin

 

 

 

Ray’s had a full week and has a wedding and a busy weekend coming up so I told him to take the day off and that I would send you one of his past Dailies. He’ll be back Monday and I hope you will also have a great weekend.

Ray’s Computer

~~~

Reprint of January 22, 2004 Daily

How true!

Sent to me by a friend.

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven’t thought about it, don’t have it on their schedule, didn’t know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine. I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour? " She would gasp and stammer, "I can’t. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday.. I had a late breakfast. It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It’s Monday."

She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.

We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We’ll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained.

We’ll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet.

We’ll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating, as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to our-selves gets longer.

One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I’m going to", "I plan on", and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my ‘seize the moment’ friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you’re ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It’s just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now ~ go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to ~ not something on your SHOULD DO list.

Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

~~~

All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it.

Samuel Butler

~~~

Harold was an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital.  There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy.  Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child.  She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse.  One day, Old Harold had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand.  He had been given a Urine Bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice.  So…..  you know where the juice went. The nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle.  She looks at it.  "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today….."

At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I’ll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted……  Old Harold just smiled

~~~

Only a mediocre person is ever at their best.

~~~

She said: Antiques have become very popular. Right now there are 15 million Americans who have things that are old, funny-looking, don’t work and are only kept for sentimental purposes. Some of these are called antiques – and the rest are called husbands.

~~~

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"

"That’s your father."

"Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"

~~~

This is probably a repeat, but it is so important I decided to send it for reinforcement

WHAT HE SAYS / WHAT HE MEANS **

** "I’m going fishing."

Really means: "I’m going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand all day, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

** "It’s a guy thing."

Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

** "Can I help with dinner?"

Really means: "Why isn’t it already on the table?"

** "Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear."

Really means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

** "It would take too long to explain."

Really means: "I have no idea how it works."

** "We’re going to be late."

Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

** "Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard."

Really means: "I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

** "That’s interesting, dear."

Really means: "Are you still talking?"

** "Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing."

Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

** "I can’t find it."

Really means: "It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless."

** "You know I could never love anyone else."

Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

** "You look terrific."

Really means: "Please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving."

** "I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are."

Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

~~~

All food is Fat-Free – if you don’t eat it.

~~~

A feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a Hassidic elderly Jewish man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here’s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," so she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the elderly man tries to get up again. She is still insulted so she refuses to let him up again.

Finally, the old Jewish man says, "Look, lady, trouble I don’t want, but you’ve got to let me get up….. I’m twelve blocks past my stop already!"

~~~

Never leave your wife’s anniversary present in a Wal-Mart bag.

~~~

SCHIZOPHRENIA – Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY – We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA – I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC – Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

PARANOIA – Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER – You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I’ll tell you why.

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY – Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE – On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

~~~

"Sing songs of hope!"

Mahalia Jackson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 

Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

 

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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