Ray's musings and humor

What is he up to?

"The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it."

William James





The good news is that my planned weight loss is working so far. In the past two weeks I have lost nine pounds and if baggy pants are an indication of youth I am getting younger. The not so good news is that my brain surgeon returned from a conference where he and colleagues reviewed my latest brain scan which showed a slight increase in my aneurysm, their recommendation is that we again defer any surgery and scan again in five months. The semi-bad news is that the situation warrants our staying fairly close to brain surgeons since if the artery bursts there is a fairly good chance of survival with quick action. If I go out of the country or to remote areas the risk would be almost 100%, so no cruising or exotic traveling for awhile. We do have a trip to Nova Scotia and the Canadian Maritimes booked for June. The docs will say yea or nay after my late-May brain scan.

I am sure everything will be fine but I am getting something like cabin fever to the point where I have been reexamining my commitments and organizational linkages. I almost feel like taking a sabbatical and spending a few months looking around to see where my contributions might be of more value. I think I also would benefit from some fresh thoughts as I am getting disenchanted by some of my fellow citizens apparent lack of concern for future generations and for those suffering at home and abroad. It is not like me to let pessimism slip into my thoughts so a diversion might be in order. Also I think I might recharge by getting my hands dirty, doing more than just sitting and listening to those who talk about what they are going to do or explaining why they shouldn’t do anything.

OK forget all that, it’s still me and you’re still the good person I respect. I think I may finally be facing a smidgeon of mid-life crisis since I just realized that in a few more days I will have retired after 33 years in the computer industry 20 years ago and from my Kiwanis career 10 years ago. The good news is that if it is midlife crisis after three quarters of a century I will have plenty to look forward to with another 75 years to go.


You can’t build a reputation on what you intend to do.

Liz Smith


The Italian composer, Rossini, went to see his doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, "Your trouble stems from wine, women and song."

Rossini suggested, "Well, I can get along without the songs, since I compose my own."

The doctor said, "Well, which of the other two are you prepared to give up?" Rossini relied, "That depends entirely on the vintage."


Some people itch for success when they should be scratching for it.


Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, so, who is going to tell his wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one.

They tell him to use good judgment, be discreet, and be gentle.. Don’t make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I’ll be the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, and knocks on the door.

The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" she yells.

"I’ll go tell him," says Goldberg.


What’s the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?

Wife saying she wants to talk to him.


A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what, we’re going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!"


What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?

No matter what, somebody’s fixin’ to lose a trailer.


A man was waiting at the train station.  The train was due at 5:23 PM. Finally, it rolled into the station at 6:07 PM.

"You’re LATE," the man said to the conductor.  "What’s the use of having a schedule if you’re going to be late anyway?"

The Conductor looked at him, and said, "Sir, if we didn’t have a schedule, how on earth would you realize what time you were supposed to be at the station?  And how would you know that we were late?"


"Do Not Disturb signs should be written in the language of the hotel maids."

Tim Bedore


A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.

"Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?"

When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I’ve been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast."


Horse sense is what a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.


She said: I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions.

"Has anyone given you any packages you didn’t pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.

He looked at me very carefully and asked, "Does she like you?"


I had amnesia once — or twice.


The Vet said: I heard the dog barking before he and his owner actually barreled into our vet practice. Spotting a training video we sell, the owner wisely decided to buy one.

"How does this work?" she asked, handing me a check. "Do I just have him watch this?"


Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they might have been.

William Hazlitt


Stay well, do good work, and have fun.


Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.


This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.


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