Ray's musings and humor

“The one thing you have to have is patience, … You just can’t rush everything. I use myself as an example. The last couple of years have been great, but it took some time to get up to that point.”

Cy Young

 

 

 

Here it is Friday and I only have about three days of backlog, a doctor’s appointment, an errand, a lunch meeting and a class to get done by five tonight. Sometimes I don’t slow down as fast as I would like to. So you guessed it, another reprint.

Ray’s Daily

March 6, 2003

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.

On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.

When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

”Oh, that’s my trouble tree,” he replied. "I know I can’t help having troubles on the job, but one thing’s for sure, those troubles don’t belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask My Keeper to take care of them.

Then in the morning I pick them up again." "Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick ’em up, there aren’t nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."

~~~

If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I’d have fewer imaginary ones.

Don Herold

~~~

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.  The man says,"I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What’s yours?"

"I’ll have the same," says the ostrich."

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I’ll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."  Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That’s brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That’s right!  Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Roll Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.”

~~~

What do you get when you cross a Unitarian Universalist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Somebody who comes knocking at your door for no apparent reason.

~~~

HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

A: Three.

One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.

HOW MANY EPISCOPALIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

A: Eight.

One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

HOW MANY UNITARIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

A: The Unitarians wish to issue the following statement:

"We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a lightbulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that lightbulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your lightbulb, and present it next month at our annual lightbulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of lightbulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

HOW MANY PENTECOSTALS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

A: Ten.

One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

~~~

"If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today."

~~~

He said: My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath over 100 yards long.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"

~~~

The little boy’s mother asked him, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"

"Because of an absence," he replied.

"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" she questioned.

He replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."

~~~

A woman frantically calls the fire department to report a fire in the neighborhood.  The dispatcher asks, "Well, how do we get there?"

Confused she replies, "Don’t you still have those little red fire trucks?"

~~~

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

~~~

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the man.

"Well," continues the executive, "there’s not much positive in that."

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application, "At least I’m not a quitter."

~~~

“More than an end to war, we want an end to the beginnings of all wars.”

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 

Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

 

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://starkreality.ning.com/profile/Ray currently there are about 1500 readers from all over the world.

 

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