Ray's musings and humor

Younger today than yesterday

“It takes a long time to grow young.”

Pablo Picasso

 

 

 

It is another of those days. Blood test, followed by Dentist, followed by a family event, followed by an evening celebrating Christmas at the Symphony and if that wasn’t enough it is my son’s birthday. Write the Daily? Sorry not today, so let me go back and see what I can find from another day.

First sent December 17, 2001

Today is my son’s birthday. I remember when I was 20 times older than he was, now I am not even twice his age. I don’t think it is a case of him speeding up, but rather of me slowing down.

~~~

It was on this day near Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, that Orville and Wilbur Wright made the first successful flight in history of a self-propelled, heavier-than-air aircraft. Orville piloted the gasoline-powered, propeller-driven biplane, which stayed aloft for 12 seconds and covered 120 feet on its inaugural flight. While the flight was a lot quicker than non-stops these days, I understand that the on-board service was really poor.

~~~

The Doctor says "You’ll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

Henny Youngman

~~~

The kids tell us:

PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE ?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)

"It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)

~~~

If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of unsolicited advice.

Frank G. McInnis

~~~

She told me that:

  • Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
  • Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
  • Because I’m a man, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger — I mean, how the hell could he know where we’re going?

~~~

An alibi is the legal proof that a person wasn’t where he was and, therefore, couldn’t do what he did.

~~~

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

~~~

A psychiatrist was trying to comfort a new patient who was terribly upset. "You see, Doc," the patient explained, "my problem is that I like shoes much better than I like boots."

"Why, that’s no problem," answered the doctor. "Most people like shoes better than boots."

The patient was elated, "That’s neat, Doc. How do you like them, fried or scrambled?"

~~~

The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name

~~~

The British Military writes officer fitness reports. The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are ACTUAL EXCERPTS taken from people’s "206’s"….

– His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

– I would not breed from this Officer.

– This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t-be.

– When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

– He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

– He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

– Technically sound, but socially impossible.

– This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope – always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

– This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

– When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

– Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

– She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

– He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

– This Officer should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.

– In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

– This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

– The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

– Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

~~~

You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

~~~

A busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?"

Her daughter, back from college, noticed Mother’s sign. Beneath it she taped her reply: "No — DOOR! Trust me. I went to college."

~~~

The Earth Is Full – Go Home

~~~

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like everything, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him…

"Lets see yer fishin’ license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young feller, "But my friend back there, well, he don’t have one…"

~~~

"Prayer is asking for rain,

And faith is carrying the umbrella."

Barbara Johnson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 

Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

 

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://starkreality.ning.com/profile/Ray currently there are about 1500 readers from all over the world.

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