Ray's musings and humor

Enjoy

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”

Robert Brault

 

 

 

The day has really gotten away from me. Besides my regular Thursday meetings I got e-mail telling me that my flight back to Indianapolis in January had been cancelled. I spent a major part of the morning on hold only to discover that they had no workable alternatives, fortunately I was able to get a full refund. I then had to search for flights and live with the fact that today’s prices are higher than those of months ago, plus I no longer get the checked baggage waiver. I was able to find something and used some of my frequent traveler points to pay the fare. Let’s hope that is the last of the glitches.

I have to run now so I’ll send you a previous Daily. As I said yesterday there will be no Daily tomorrow as I will be volunteering for the Salvation Army. Have fun this weekend and I’ll see you Monday.

Ray

~~~

Here is one of my very early Dailies, it was published on December 11, 2000.

 

It was on this day in 1946 that the United Nations established the United Nations International Children’s Emergency Fund (UNICEF) to provide relief and support to children living in countries devastated by war. I have been fortunate to be able to devote the last 6 years to Kiwanis International and UNICEF’s global effort to eliminate the worlds leading preventable cause of mental retardation, iodine deficiency.

~~~

Why do people who know the least know the loudest?

~~~

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn’t get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."

And so God created Man in his own image; male and female he created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry’s. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You’re running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO’s.

~~~

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Charlotte Whitton

~~~

How does Alice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend John.

"Oh, she’s not pregnant," John replied, "she’s expecting."

"What’s the difference?" Bob pressed.

"Well, John explained, "She’s expecting me to cook dinner, she’s expecting me to do the housework, she’s expecting me to rub her feet…"

~~~

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

~~~

As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other. "They’re so thoughtful," Barb said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked on David’s loving parents, and even the coffee in bed. "Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"

"It sure does," replied David. "And I take after my mom."

~~~

"My doctor told me he’d have me on my feet in two weeks. He was right. I got his bill; I had to sell my car."

Rodney Dangerfield

~~~

WISE ADVICE FROM CHILDREN

"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals." – Donna Maria G, age 9

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you." – Rob P, age 8

"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it." – Steven B, age 8

"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God’s Bill of Wrongs." – Susie F., age 7

"Doctors automatically know what’s wrong with you. They have a sick sense." – Beau M., age 10

"My dog had worms. I think he was going fishing." – Emma B., age 4

~~~

"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled: ‘Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.’"

~~~

She told me why it’s good to be a woman……….

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Taxis stop for us.

We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.

There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren’t listening anyway.

~~~

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.

~~~

Remember, it’s not your job to get people to like you; it’s your job to like people.

~~~

If you have a minute please visit me at my Holiday Web Page.

Ray

 Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

 

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://starkreality.ning.com/profile/Ray currently there are about 1500 readers from all over the world.

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