Ray's musings and humor

All’s Well

“Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant”

Washington Irving

 

 

Some of you asked what my heart doc told me yesterday. First I want you to know that I try to be reasonably honest with my medical caregivers. It took me lots of years before I figured out that telling your physician that you are sustaining healthy habits when your not is pretty stupid. What comes to mind is leaving a doctor’s office proud of the fact you fooled him and then fainting from sleep deprivation, malnutrition, excesses, etc. So I started by offering the good news, which was I lost 21 pounds in the three months since my last visit. The bad news was I was still planning my exercise program as I have been for at least six months, I may not get much physical exercise but I do get lots of mental exercise as I visualize what I might do.

He had good news and bad news too. The good news is that I have gotten through the last three months pretty well so there are no med changes, no pacemaker changes, just try to lose some more weight and start exercising. The bad news was that I have to avoid strenuous activity, excesses, extended periods in the sun, and so on. I sure can live with that, that is my normal lifestyle anyway, that and afternoon naps. I don’t have to see him for six months unless I have a relapse or that my monthly telephone readout of my pacemaker reports a problem.

~~~

Now for today’s business, one of our readers told me that my last few Dailies were too depressing and I better leave reality for a day or two. So here is what I am going to do. I am going to page back in history and see if I can find a jovial Daily to use for this edition.

~~~

“The world is a looking-glass, and gives back to every man the reflection of his own face. Frown at it, and it will in turn look sourly upon you; laugh at it and with it, and it is a jolly kind companion.”

William Makepeace Thackeray

~~~

Ken tells us not to go for looks; they can deceive. Don’t go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

~~~

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age."

 Robert Frost

~~~

A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don’t really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."

~~~

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Steven Wright

~~~

My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.

One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I’d love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn’t until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom’s feet on the kitchen floor.

~~~

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.

Dave Barry

~~~

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"It’s okay, Dad" the boy said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

~~~

Don’t judge your wife too harshly for her weaknesses. If she didn’t have them chances are she would have never married you.

~~~

A mother was worried that her three-year-old son was unusually precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist.

"Right," said the shrink, "We’ll just try a few simple tests." To the boy, he said "Say a few words – anything that comes into your mind."

The boy turned to his mother and asked, "Does he want logically constructed sentences or just a few random and purely isolated words?"

~~~

You have to dance like nobody’s watching, and love like it’s never going to hurt.

~~~

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women’s breast implants. The I-Breast will cost $499 to $599 depending on size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

~~~

Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.

~~~

Finkelman just arrives in America and needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven. After a successful initial interview with the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager.

"You say you have experience selling books?"

"Lots of it," replies Finkelman.

"And you have a Master’s in American history from the University of Michigan?"

"Correct," replies Finkelman. "History is my field of study."

"Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in our firm."

While the sales manager is making a few notations, Finkelman, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls. Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine looking men. Your partners?"

~~~

“May your thoughts be as glad as the shamrocks, may your heart be as light as a song, may each day bring you bright, happy hours that stay with you all the year long.”

Irish Blessings

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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