Ray's musings and humor

Archive for May, 2008

The future is yours what are you going to do with ie?

As soon as you trust yourself, you’ll know how to live.

Goethe

 

 

As most of you know these are not the best of times for far too many people. Jobs have been lost, savings decimated and some have even lost their home. I am running into more and more people that are devastated and who are trying to deal with their problems and get on with their lives.

While I sure don’t want to downplay their pain and hardship I do get excited when someone decides that they will take this opportunity to find out what will make the rest of their life better than what it has been. Unfortunately making the decision to invest in a new compatible and rewarding future is not always easy. As some of you know I spend many hours with old and new friends as they go through the process of deciding what to do and how to do it.

The thing that always surprises me is how few really know themselves and who are willing to spend time and energy deciding what it is that will give them what they want. Most of the time I ask people to do some personal brainstorming, that is jot down everything they can think of that would make them happy in a job. I don’t care if it is the color of the paint on the wall, free coffee, helping people, utilizing their walk-on-water skills or anything else. What I find far too often is that many find the task too hard. They don’t write down the color on the wall because they think that is too frivolous, they don’t put down that they don’t want to be a boss because they think everyone is supposed to want to be a boss and if they don’t become one they will not be a success. The list goes on and on to the point that they talk themselves out of taking any chance to be happy. The only person that loses is themselves and it does not take long for them to lose confidence and resign themselves to failure. Sometimes it takes us hours, days and even weeks but usually we get there and you know why, it is because finally they see it is alright to be themselves and to trust themselves. You can’t strive for happiness if you don’t know what it is. The thing is, most of us do know, we just have to let it out.

 

On occasion in the past I have shared with you the wisdom offered by Marie-Pier Charron a Canadian lady who I respect; here is what she has to offer us on the subject.

 

Stop second-guessing yourself. Really. If you want something intensely, it probably is what you need (or it will lead you to it). If you really enjoy doing something, it may very well be part of your mission. No need to look too far. What fills you with joy is what you are meant to do.

Maybe it doesn’t make sense, maybe it’s completely different from what you’ve always done and what you’ve always believed about yourself… but don’t let that stop you.

Life is so much simpler when we trust our inner guidance, when we let ourselves want what we want. That’s part of what going with the flow is about…

Do you want a life that flows? Trust yourself.

Marie-Pier

~~~

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.”

Sven Goran Eriksson

~~~

I don’t get alot of time for my lunch hour, so I stopped by a burger drive-through for a quick lunch to eat on the way back to the office. I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29. The cashier’s voice came over the drive-through intercom box. . . . "that’ll be $4.83, please drive forward."

"Wait a minute. What? $4.83? For a $4.29 meal? That’s 54 cents tax! That can’t be right," my mind raced. Tax is 8 cents on the dollar here in Mobile and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 (29) of 8 cents would be about 35 cents for my tax. I’d heard of window workers overcharging drive-through customers and skimming the money for themselves. Someone did just that to me at a Hardees couple of years ago. So since then, I’ve always paid attention when I order food at drive-through places. I didn’t have my calculator with me, so I got out a pen and paper and did the long division since there were 2 cars ahead of me yet. Plenty of time to figure this out before they would ask me to pay at the window. Let’s see … 483/429 … over 12 percent tax! When I got to the window I handed her a 5 dollar bill and asked, "What’s the sales tax here in Mobile?"

That threw her off. She didn’t know.

I said "$4.83 for a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can’t be right. Too high. Can I talk to the manager?"

She gave me my change and called the manager.

So the manager comes over. I ask what the sales tax is in Mobile, and she says 8 percent. I say that I just paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal and that’s over 12 percent sales tax!

She got a funny look on her face and said that maybe the computer had rung it up wrong or had charged me for the biggie size. (biggie upgrade was 35 cents – which would be 4.64 plus tax which would put the total I owed over $5, so that can’t be right either.) After a quick check, she admitted it was supposed to be 4.63, and opened the drawer to give me my extra change.

"A-HA!" I thought to myself. "Six years of Engineering school has sooo heightened my mental mathematical adeptness that I can do percentages in my head, and thus my superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to overcharge me."

With a very smug look across my face, I took the twenty cents she handed me, proud of my staggering victory, and promptly drove off. . . .without my food.

~~~

We can’t take any credit for our talents. It’s how we use them that counts.

Madeleine L’Engle

~~~

Did you hear about the priest in Ireland, who kept running down the English?

He would renounce his congregation of sinners by yelling, "If you don’t act better you’re all going to hell with the Englishmen!"

One day the bishop called him in, and told him that if he didn’t quit denouncing the English, he would be demoted and transferred. The priest agreed, and in his next sermon, he told the story of the betrayal of Jesus. "Jesus looked at all of the apostles one at a time and said, ‘Tonight, one of you will betray me!’ Peter said, ‘It is not I, is it master?’ Jesus just looked at Judas. Judas, realizing the steady gaze of The Lord upon him said, ‘Blimey govenor, you wouldn’t think it was me would you?’"

~~~

I’m just moving clouds today. Tomorrow I’ll try mountains.

~~~

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time, so she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was.

She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for! ?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims.

I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I’m talking to a wall.

~~~

“Don’t wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”

Mark Victor Hansen

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are more than 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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Sometimes it is not easy!

The capacity for getting along with our neighbor depends to a large extent on the capacity for getting along with ourselves. The self-respecting individual will try to be as tolerant of his neighbor’s shortcomings as he is of his own.

Eric Hoffer

 

 

The good news is that I am coughing more productively, I am sleeping better, I don’t ache quite as bad and my medications seem to be working. Now if I could just get my brain working better I’ll be fine.

I have noticed lately that I am assessing my actions more than ever before. I seem to be getting less tolerant of bureaucracies, red tape, and long group decision making processes. When I couple that with strong feelings about what might be done when I know I don’t have the ability to impose my will on others, nor should I, I understand why I get frustrated.

I have always had to work hard to try to see the world from other peoples viewpoint. I like most people tend to draw conclusions primarily on the world as I see it forgetting that not everyone sees the world from the same place I stand. It is also presumptuous to think my answers will work in all situations or even to believe too strongly that they were right in the first place.

The difficulty I often face is to balance my strong beliefs in doing all we can with the realization that my leadership days and my authority are behind me and it is time to let others lead. So I never know if others tolerate my behavior, appreciate my concern or even sometimes believe that I have something to contribute. Like I have said before this is as good as I get so I am dependent on you to decide if it is good enough. Just don’t give me an assignment where I am important or critical to success as my health sometimes drags me down and when I don’t perform I really feel guilty.

Here is something I picked up almost ten years ago that I should take more to heart.

Until my angst meets with calm

Until my sadness meets with joy

Until my tears meet with laughter

Until my loneliness meets with meaningful connection

Until my dreams meet with reality

Until my reality approaches my dreams

Until…. then … I will be the best I can be. I will do what I can and forgive myself for what I cannot yet do. I will be patient with myself. I will value the learning experience. I will be grateful for what I have, what I know and who I am.

Until tomorrow, I will live today, for today. Today, I will remember the past but choose not to live there any longer. I pledge to continue to learn to love myself and to live my life in the here and now. Today is a gift and it is all I that I know I have. Being in the moment of today is why they call it the present, it is a present.

By Ms. A.J. Mahari

~~~

The problem to be faced is: how to combine loyalty to one’s own tradition with reverence for different traditions.

Abraham Joshua Heschel

~~~

After years of wondering why he didn’t look like his younger sister or brother, Mark finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were son," his mother said, as she started to cry softly. "But, it didn’t work out and they brought you back."

~~~

The trouble with current times is that the future is not what it used to be.

~~~

Women who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage.

* On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could help with his laundry?

* To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local adult bookstore?

* Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of "Gilligan’s Island" at least four times?

* Is it unclear to some people whether that’s a mustache or just a lot of unruly nose hair?

* Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own stack of ketchup packets?

* Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon?

* Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase "Industrial Strength?"

* Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman?

~~~

Men who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before proposing marriage.

* In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as "that square thing?"

* Does she use the phrase "you know" more than twice per sentence?

* Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon.

* Have you noticed her name tattooed on three or more local bikers?

* Have you noticed three or more local bikers’ names tattooed on her?

* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old boyfriend’s?

* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay Packers?

* Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in-a-Drum?

* Has she ever used the word poo-poo?

* If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?

~~~

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.

Alexander Graham Bell

~~~

Dearest creature in creation, study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it’s written.) Now I surely will not plague you, with such words as plaque and ague. But be careful how you speak: Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery, Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles, Exiles, similes, and reviles; Scholar, vicar, and cigar, Solar, mica, war and far; One, anemone, Balmoral, Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel; Gertrude, German, wind and mind, Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet, Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. Blood and flood are not like food, Nor is mould like should and would. Viscous, viscount, load and broad, Toward, to forward, to reward. And your pronunciation’s OK When you correctly say croquet, Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour and enamour rhyme with hammer. River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, Doll and roll and some and home. Stranger does not rhyme with anger, Neither does devour with clangour. Souls but foul, haunt but aunt, Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very, Nor does fury sound like bury. Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth. Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath. Though the differences seem little, We say actual but victual. Refer does not rhyme with deafer. Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer. Mint, pint, senate and sedate; Dull, bull, and George ate late. Scenic, Arabic, Pacific, Science, conscience, scientific.

Pronunciation — think of Psyche! Is a paling stout and spikey? Won’t it make you lose your wits, Writing groats and saying grits? It’s a dark abyss or tunnel: Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough — Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? Hiccough has the sound of cup. My advice is to give up!

~~~

I have found that the greatest help in meeting any problem with decency and self-respect and whatever courage is demanded, is to know where you yourself stand. That is, to have in words what you believe and are acting from.

William Faulkner

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are more than 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

I’m sick

If I had my way I’d make health catching instead of disease.

Robert Ingersoll

 

 

Looks like my flu/cold is another bout of bronchitis, I have been going downhill fast and have had to cancel a lunch today and breakfast tomorrow. I am of to the Docs this afternoon and require my wife to drive. So they’ll probably add meds to all the chicken soup I have been drinking these last few days. So you’ll have to forgive me for another Daily from long ago.

 

Ray’s Daily published May 8, 2002

Well it was a record setting day in Indianapolis yesterday. We had the highest amount of rain on a May 7th in history, with more rain before yesterday and more today. People often joke that we have no mountains or ocean in Indiana, we may not have them but we sure have become one big lake.

The other record was one of voter apathy. It was primary day yesterday. When I went to the polls yesterday morning I was the only one there, I commented that I was glad to have beaten the rush, only to find out I was the rush. The sad part of such low turnout was that it was the final election for school boards and a chance to select the eventual winners in what will be uncontested races in November. It is sad when we are so caught up with high profile races that we ignore the offices that have a major effect on our day-to-day lives.

What a difference six years makes as you probably know Indiana became a major battleground for the election of the Democratic Presidential candidate. My fellow citizens turned out in record numbers. I am sorry to again report that local elections again got lost in the shuffle. Ray 2008

~~~

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.

Margaret Thatcher-

~~~

Ken sends us these airline quotes, some we have had before but they are worth retelling.

         On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.

         "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft."

         "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

         As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

         After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

         From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised."

~~~

When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?

Steven Wright

~~~

Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet.  The trouble with most diets is that you don’t get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don’t get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).

Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over.  Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem?

Well, now there’s the new Toddler Miracle Diet!  Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim.  It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.

After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet.  It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor — otherwise, you might have to see him afterward.

Good luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast:  One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.  Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.  Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch:  Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner:  A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

Bedtime snack:  Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast:  Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch:  Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor).  One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack:  Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt.  Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.  Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner:  A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril.  Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast:  Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair.  Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.  After breakfast, pick up yesterday’s sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch:  Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Spit several bites onto the floor.  Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner:  Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast:  A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.  Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar.  Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch:  Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner:  A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk.  Leave meatball on plate.  Stick of mascara for dessert.

~~~

I’m on a diet because my skin doesn’t fit me anymore.

Erma Bombeck

~~~

A man went to apply for a job.  After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It’s called the door!"

~~~

Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms or lack there-of of Pamela Anderson.

"I say she’s highly over-rated," said one. "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs, that figure, and what have ya got?"

"My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh….

~~~

"If you live in New York, even if you’re Catholic, you’re Jewish."

Lenny Bruce

~~~

She said:

There are only two things to worry about.

Either you are well or you are sick.

If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.

But if you are sick, there are only two things to worry about.

Either you will get well or you will die.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.

If you die, there are only two things to worry about.

Either you will go to heaven or hell.

If you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you’ll be so busy shaking hands with friends you wouldn’t have time to worry!

~~~

"We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us, but we sip little by little at a truth we find bitter."

Denis Diderot

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are more than 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Must it be this way?

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.

Stacia Tauscher

 

 

I am still struggling a little bit with my flold (I am not sure if it is the flu or cold) so Your going to have to put up with another daily from long ago.

~~~

Ray’s Daily published May 7, 2002

This is truly a big week for us. The UN is going into special session in New York to hear the progress that has been made in the ten plus years since the global Summit for Children. There have been some significant successes, our effort to eliminate iodine deficiency is one of them. But there are still many challenges ahead and I am hoping that the heads of state and senior government leaders from around the world attending will rise to the challenge.

Every day I learn more about how devastating the warfare that is going on in various parts of the world is on children. We have all heard of kids killed in crossfire, kids loosing limbs because of landmines, thousands dying of malnutrition, but there is more. Kids are dying from measles because health workers can’t reach them to give them the shots they need, polio persists in around 30 countries because kids are kept from receiving inoculations. Kids are forced into armies when they can barley hold a gun. They deserve better, they deserve a chance.

I have a number of friends and colleagues who will be in New York for meetings associated with the special session, and Kiwanis will have representatives in the audience at the general assembly. I wish I was with them, but I know their commitment to children is great.

I often wonder if we don’t care, why should anyone else care. The trauma created in the lives of children of the world will have devastating effect on the world in which my grandchildren will reside in the years ahead. I owe to them to do what I can.

Oh by the way I talked to a friend in the Philippines, our Kiwanis International President-designate, this morning and he told me to say hi to the queen when I am in London this weekend, I hope I can fit her in to my schedule.

I am saddened by the fact that today, six years later things are just as bad if not worse for the children of the world. Is it any wonder that so much evil exists in the world when we train our youngest to expect only violence, pestilence, and inhumanity. Ray 2008

~~~

He who merely knows right principles is not equal to him who loves them.

Confucius

~~~

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok.  Right click again.  Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir.  Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote click’."

~~~

You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.

~~~

They have found, at the base of Mount Horeb, an ancient cave, unopened for three thousand years. Apparently this cavern was used by the Israelites to store and repair all the army’s rolling stock. There were hundreds of vehicles in all stages of repair that will keep archaeologists busy for years.

On of the mysteries was a container holding dozens of pieces of parchment that were apparently made to be carried on an upright spear into battle. The parchments were rolled into separate groups and, when the language scholars deciphered them they fell into several distinct groups — each containing a similar set of words.

The group with the most banners was a thick one with the same words on each. These apparently proclaimed, "Shout Huzzah if you love Moses.

Another group had wording which showed the Israelites grasp of the calendar, as they said, "In the name of Cain, Celebrate National Brotherhood Week."

There were some that were apparently done to remind the people of the wrath of God, as they were printed with the slogan, "If you can see Sodom, you’re too darned close."

It is amazing to find how safety minded the ancient people were. There were several banners which bore the writing, "Remember Goliath: support the ban on unlicensed slingshots."

Finally, to indicate how the Israelites revered their elders, they found many banners that simply said, "In the name of Methuselah — be kind to senior citizens."

~~~

The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way.

Josh Billings

~~~

A Jewish gentleman stood before a delicatessen display counter and pointed to a tray. "I’ll have a pound of that salmon," he said.

"That’s not salmon," the clerk said, "it’s ham."

"Mister," the customer snapped, "in case nobody ever told you, you got a big mouth!"

~~~

"I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys."

Rodney Dangerfield

~~~

The sermon had been going on too long, and the Minister should have been able to see the congregation getting more than a little restless; he droned on none-the-less for yet another 15 minutes.  Finally he paused and said, "What else can I say Brothers and Sisters?"

"How about ‘Amen’ Preacher?" said a hungry soul from the rear of the Church.

~~~

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.  One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

~~~

The restaurant was so bad, the doggie bags had a warning: Not for consumption by real dogs.

~~~

Harry Epstein was downtown with his wife and four little children when he decided to take a taxicab home.

Approaching a cab driver, he demanded, "How much will you charge to drive us to the Bronx?"

"I figure $2 apiece for you and your wife," said the driver. "I’ll take the four kids along for nothing."

Harry Epstein turned to his children and said, "Jump in kids, and have a nice ride home. Momma and I will take the subway."

~~~

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

~~~

I am passing this on to you because, I think I have found inner peace.

I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started.

Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine, and a box of chocolate candy.

I feel better already.

~~~

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.

ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPÉRY

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are more than 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Thanks for sharing your heart!

Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation’s compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain loving one another.

Erma Brombeck

 

 

I have been a little under the weather today. I know it can’t be the flu, after all I did do the right thing and got my flu shot months ago. Must be a cold, I have all the usual stuff – cough, runny nose, sore throat, aches and pains and ready to sleep.

That is the bad news, the good news that has made me feel much better. I got a call from a friend who is coordinating the volunteers who will assist my Kiwanis Club medals are presented to the athletes at our areas Annual Special Olympics competition, he told me that many of my Central Indiana friends and their friends have volunteered to help. He said that when he left town this past weekend he worried that we would not get the one hundred or so volunteers we needed since sign up was lagging previous years rates and that he had prayed for a small miracle. I knew that this was problem so I sent out an invitation to many of my local friends to join us for the event. Boy did they respond we are well on our way to having what we need to make this the best Special Olympics yet, thanks to those you who will help. We’re not there yet but we are close.

I know of no greater feeling than sharing in the joy that these athletes display as they that work so hard to overcome their disabilities as they compete. They truly are all winners and I am glad that we have been given the opportunity to present each of them with a medal in an Olympic type ceremony. They mount the Olympic style presentation platform near their event’s location while the Olympic theme is played. It is then that our volunteers place medals around each athletes neck to the cheers of those in the audience.

My friends who have participated in previous years have been moved by the sprit of these very special people. There is something special in those moments when we share our humanity with others and I feel very fortunate that so many of my friends are willing to do just that. I am also happy that my health and the sit down job they have given me will allow me to experience all that will be good about that day.

~~~

"Every human being is important and all human beings owe something to their fellow inhabitants of this planet."

Wallace Campbell

~~~

"Kids Takes On Life"

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." – Del, age 6

"Shake your hips and hope for the best." – Camille, age 9

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs … and don’t worry if their parents are right there." – Manuel, age 8

"Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love." – Alonzo, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." – Bart, age 9

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love." – Bobby, age 9

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold … Other people care more about the food." – Bart, age 9

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." – Sarah, age 9

"See if the man has lipstick on his face." – Sandra, age 7

~~~

We live by hope. We do not always get all we want when we want it. But we have to believe that someday, somehow, some way, it will be better and that we can make it so.

Hubert H. Humphrey

~~~

After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness. My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. "Oh, you’re welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, … "And will your grandmother need a rental car?

~~~

Nothing improves memory like trying to forget.

~~~

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn’t care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common — they were both pathological liars.

~~~

Happiness is mostly a by-product of doing what makes us feel fulfilled.

Dr. Benjamin Spock

~~~

A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds, on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county.

"Don’t be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We’re not hurt."

Mary continued to cry. "I’m not scared," she responded between sobs. "I’m happy ’cause this is the first time in 14 years we’ve been out together."

~~~

Of course I don’t look busy…I did it right the first time!  

~~~

The young secretary was describing her evening’s exploits to a friend. "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."

"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly, "Then what happened?"

"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said.

"You didn’t weaken your resolve did you?" asked the friend.

"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let HIS mother worry…"

~~~

Children will not remember you for the material things you provided, but for the feeling that you cherished them.

Richard L. Evans

~~~

While I was taking a Law course, the ‘Audi alteram parten’ rule was explained to us.

Translated it means "To hear the other party"

After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn’t understand the rule.

Responded one man "My Wife"

~~~

"It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are more than 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

The time to act is now!

If liberty and equality, as is thought by some, are chiefly to be found in democracy,

they will be best attained when all persons alike share in the government to the utmost.

Aristotle

 

 

This has been a heck of a few days. As those of you who live in the U.S. know the state I live in (Indiana) has become the hotbed of presidential politics. Tomorrow we have our primary elections where those who vote Democratic will decide if Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama wins the most delegates from our state to the Democratic nominating convention. So far the two candidates are running so close that neither has the delegates needed to win and many of the political pundits think that what happens here tomorrow can make a huge difference in the final outcome.

This weekend we have had the news media from all over in our city covering the campaign. Both Obama and Clinton have been everywhere we turn. In fact last night they both spoke at a huge democratic dinner that was also attended by party chairman Howard Dean.

I have lived in Indiana for more than 30 years and there has never been anything like this before. As often as not the choices had already been made by the time we voted in our primary as is the case on the Republican side this year with John McCain been chosen many weeks ago.

While all the hoopla was going on I had the good fortune to attend a non-partisan lecture made by Senator Dick Lugar at a local university. The senator again demonstrated his statesmanship by rising above petty politics and sharing with us what is going as our government tries to deal with the International food crisis, the exploding energy costs, the threat from global warming and the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. I have the highest regard for our senator and have had for all the years I have known him and that goes back to when he was the mayor of Indianapolis in the 60’s. I just wish all Americans had a chance to listen to this voice of reason.

I’ll vote tomorrow, but not in the Democratic primary. I am represented in congress by a member of the House of Representatives who needs to be replaced and because of the way our congressional district is gerrymandered he can only be unseated by another Republican. Fortunately there is an excellent candidate that can do just that if my fellow Republican voters choose wisely. I am sorry that my voice will not be heard in the presidential race but I only have one chance to try to make sure that the right man gets elected to the House.

I hope that when you get your chance to vote you will do so wisely. Please learn as much as you can about what is going on so that your vote is based on the issues and not sound bites and 30 second images, after all it is our country and if we mess up we only have ourselves to blame.

~~~

Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

George Bernard Shaw

~~~

"Actual Excerpts"

The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers:

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere else again.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off- head illusion.

Blue Cross and salary.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Great Dames for sale.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

~~~

You must arrange in advance for pleasant memories.

~~~

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too!"

~~~

There is a time when we must firmly choose the course which we will follow or the endless drift of events will make the decision for us.

Herbert V. Prochnow

~~~

"Great TIPS"

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers. Don’t throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you’ll have enough to insulate your loft.

X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have he oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

~~~

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little.

Edmund Burke

~~~

At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I’d like to know why," she scoffed.

The clerk thought a moment and then suggested, "The horses are a lot older now?"

~~~

The citizen can bring our political and governmental institutions back to life, make them responsive and accountable, and keep them honest. No one else can.

John Gardner

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are more than 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

How do you measure success?

“You have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need.”

Vernon Howard

 

 

I was with a new friend this morning for a few hours. We talked about a lot of things; one being how we decided what we really needed and what had value to us. As I was driving away it dawned on me how we can free ourselves by choosing less because we don’t really need to acquire everything. Living simply provides us with the time to pursue our interests and to perform service to others.

As you know I struggle sometimes with all the opportunities for service that abound in our world. I say yes more than I should and today I started to realize these opportunities are like material things. Do I really have to strive to take advantage of every opportunity? Of course you know the answer, I do not. I decided that I should inventory what I have and what I think I might want, but I also plan on inventorying what I do and what I might do.

I am glad I get to meet people like my new friend; they help me see the world as it is and sometimes as it should be. And they help me see and understand myself and that ain’t bad. If the truth be known it is up to each of us to define our own success and how we measure it terms of things or deeds. Here is what advertising executive John Follis came up with when he was deciding how he would measure his success.

 

What "Success" Is. To Me.

To have the ways, means, time and guts to choose and follow my own path.

To dissolve the line between who I am and what I "do."

To make decisions based not on fear, guilt, money or politics but rather what truly feels right.

To have much love, passion and fun in my life.

To be healthy in body, mind and spirit.

To have enthusiasm when I wake up, and peace of mind when I go to bed.

To use my unique gifts in a way that makes a positive difference in many peoples’ lives.

To inspire and motivate others.

To be able to make people laugh — including myself.

To know that I’m on the right path and not alone in my journey.

To live with the understanding that "getting there" isn’t half the fun, it’s most of it.

To make the most with what I’ve been given.

To take advantage of every opportunity and face every fear.

To live having true friends and die having no regrets.

To be able to experience death not as a "grim reaper", but rather as a welcomed sleep after a good, long day.

 

What about you, can you inventory your needs and then write down your own definition of "success"? It is up to you define your own success measurements and then decide if you are willing to do periodic self appraisal to make sure you are on the track you have chosen for yourself.

~~~

Who is blind? He who can see no other world. Who is dumb? He who can say nothing pleasant about his lot. Who is poor? He who is troubled with too many desires. Who is rich? He who is happy with his lot.

Indian Proverb

~~~

The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them. After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.

A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn’t like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.

The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you’re gonna eat," he asked.

The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don’t look too appetizing."

The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"

The Chaplain smiled and hit the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."

The kid said, "Yeah, man, I’d appreciate it."

The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half

~~~

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who can do nothing for them or to them.

Malcolm Forbes

~~~

She said: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger’s side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.

"Hey," I announced to the technician. "It’s open!"

"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

~~~

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

~~~

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won’t you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool – nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery.

~~~

Sign pinned to army barracks door: "Shut the door, stupid!  Not you, sir."

~~~

During my senior year, I reluctantly took a required psychology course. On the first day, the professor commented on each student’s major, trying to provoke a response. It was working, because some students were becoming defensive. When it was my turn, I told him I was a music major.

"So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of you wasting your education to study music?"

"He’s just thankful," I shot back, "that I didn’t go into psychology."

~~~

We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.

Mother Teresa

~~~

A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all of his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.

Twice he stopped, counted his parcels and searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.

When he reached home, his daughter ran out, stopped short and cried, "Daddy, where’s mommy?"

~~~

Remember: Be obedient to your cat.

~~~

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead, she sat back and said, "If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me!"

~~~

“All the really valuable things you own are things you can’t photograph.”

Author Unknown

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are more than 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Hooray, it’s Mayday

“May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day. May songbirds serenade you every step along the way. May a rainbow run beside you in a sky that’s always blue. And may happiness fill your heart each day your whole life through.”

Irish Blessing

 

 

Here we are May Day already. My problem is that someone seems to have taken the Maypole or is it that I am the only one old enough to remember them. In any case I hope the world is in bloom where you are, here in Indianapolis it has been amazing, all the trees decided to bloom at the same time and the ground is covered with a floral rainbow of colors. It is not the best of times for far too many people but I do appreciate mother nature reminding us that there is beauty around us if we just stop long enough to look.

Now onto business, I am again providing those of you in the U.S. a list of the special monthly activities as a public service. This is a good time to sit down and plan your month. It is:

Better Hearing, Better Sleep, and Breathe Easy Month – Since most of what I hear is not all that good I plan on wearing my hearing aids less, sleep more and breathe easy primarily by exercise avoidance.

Date Your Mate Month – I tried this last year but she turned me down, she had a better offer.

Fresh Florida Tomato Month – here we go again, Florida claiming to grow real tomatoes when we all know they are grown right here in Indiana.

Gazpacho Aficionado Time – I love Gazpacho but I find the Aficionado meetings too dull.

Good Car Keeping Month – I will not get rid of my cars they work good enough for me.

Mental Health Month – I am trying to figure out what I can do wild and crazy so that I can participate in the get well exercises.

National Arthritis and National High Blood Pressure Month – I have both but see absolutely no reason to celebrate the fact that I do.

National Senior Travel Month – Watch out this month if you see us out looking totally lost you’ll know that we are trying to do our part by driving around.

Revise Your Work Schedule Month – I am sorry I don’t have one to revise, what should I do?

Peace Month – Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone in the world decided that the time for peace and goodwill had come. I worry that our children and grandchildren will miss what life was like when we did not have so many of the world’s young at war. We at least can pray for peace and instill in our children the desire to do all they can to build a better world.

~~~

“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.”

Jimi Hendrix

~~~

This essay, by Hugh Gallagher, won first prize in the humor category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards. It appeared in the May issue of Literary Cavalcade, a magazine of contemporary fiction and student writing published by Scholastic in New York City. Gallagher, who is eighteen, grew up in Newtown Square, Pennsylvania, and will attend New York University this fall.

ESSAY

IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.

I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I can cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international circles.

Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

~~~

Last night I dreamt I had insomnia.

~~~

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee please!!"

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN’S tee kindly back up to the men’s

tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled:

"Would the man on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee, PLEASE!

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"

~~~

I had dinner with Garry Kasporov the chess master.

Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt.

~~~

A wild-eyed man dressed like Napoleon with his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist’s office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that. Lie down on the couch and tell me about your problem."

"I don’t have a problem. In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want. Money, women, power, everything! But I’m afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."

"I see," said the doctor. "And what seems to be her problem?"

"For some strange reason, she thinks she’s Mrs. Schwartz."

~~~

You pile up enough tomorrows and you’ll be left with nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to make today worth remembering.

Meredith Wilson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are more than 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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