Ray's musings and humor

“Celebrate the happiness that friends are always giving, make every day a holiday and celebrate just living!”

Amanda Bradley

 

 

I did it again; I have more to do today than I should. While the rest of our city celebrates Indianapolis being chosen to host the 2012 Super Bowl and many other of our citizens enjoy todays festivities at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway‘s prelude to the Indianapolis 500 race this weekend I’ll be doing mandatory stuff. I have medical tests scheduled, a seminar, a lunch meeting and a dinner meeting. I am hoping to find an hour or two to nap or that I will find someone at the dinner meeting to nudge me awake periodically. So instead of trying to write something fresh let’s you and I see what I wrote on this day a few years ago.

 

May 21, 2003

I hope you enjoyed National Employee Health and Fitness Day today, since I only work part time I was successful in avoiding most of it. And I will tell you another thing I will be glad when National Senior Smile Week ends, my jaw is getting sore.

~~~

An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life.

He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf is evil—he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other is good —he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.”

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

~~~

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

Leo Buscaglia

~~~

Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a 10 ton truck and landed up in hospital in intensive care. His best friend Morris came to visit him. Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She’s so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."

"What does she read?"

"My life insurance policy."

~~~

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history — with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."

Mitch Ratliffe

~~~

With only two tellers working at the bank, the line I was standing in was moving very slowly.  As I waited, I began to fill in my withdrawal slip. Not sure of the date, I turned and asked the woman behind me. "It’s the fifth," she replied. From the back of the line a man advised, "Don’t write it in yet!"

~~~

The teacher wrote "Like I ain’t had no fun in months" on the board and then she said, "Timmy, how should I correct that?”

Timmy replied, "Maybe get a new boyfriend ?"

~~~

"I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."

Stephen Bishop

~~~

A congregant asked his Rabbi, "Rabbi, you’re a man of God. So why is it that you are always talking business when I, a businessman, am always talking about spiritual matters when I’m not at work?"

"You have discovered one of the principles of human nature," the Rabbi replied.

"And what principle is that, Rabbi?"

"People like to discuss things they know nothing about."

~~~

Discover wildlife!  Have kids!

~~~

A doctor was awakened at four in the morning by a caller who demanded to know how much he charged for a house call.

"Twenty-five dollars," muttered the sleepy physician.

"How much is an office visit?" demanded the caller.

"Fifteen dollars."

"Okay, Doc," said the caller. "I’ll meet you in your office in fifteen minutes."

~~~

Well Bill, how are you getting on with trying to date that new cocktail waitress?"

"Not so bad. I’m getting some encouragement now."

"Really, is she beginning to smile sweetly at you or something?"

"Not exactly, but last night she said that she’s said ‘NO’ for the last time."

~~~

Lord, if I can’t be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

~~~

My boss’ wife Sherry was exasperated with her younger sister, who bought an unreliable car and called for a ride every time it broke down. One day Sherry got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" she asked. "My brakes went out," her sister said. "Can you come to get me?" "Where are you?" Sherry asked. "I’m in the drugstore," her sister responded. "And where’s the car?" "It’s in here with me."

~~~

Murphy’s Technology Law #2:

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

~~~

Three men were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in Ohio. One man was from Texas, one from Florida, and one from Kansas. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives. The guy from Texas began by saying "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."

Then the man from Florida spoke up "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do all of the grocery shopping, and all of the house cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry, the shelves were filled with groceries".

The fellow from Kansas was married to an enlightened woman who had grown up in rural Kansas. He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well, the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But by the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye.

~~~

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

Mae West

~~~

A woman sees a beautiful tennis bracelet in a jewelry store window.  She goes in and asks the clerk if a small deposit will hold it until her husband does something unforgivable.

~~~

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde

~~~

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don’t have to take it so hard.  It isn’t that serious."

"It isn’t?" cried the motorist.  "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

~~~

They do not celebrate getting older; what they do celebrate is becoming better.

Marlo Morgan

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are more than 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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