Ray's musings and humor

Things are going well!

“Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.”

Dan Castellaneta

 

 

My tests at the Cardiologist office yesterday were surprisingly good as far as my traditional electrical Arterial Fibrillation is concerned. That is great news. If the combination of my last operation and my new meds keep me in sync I’ll not have to keep more ablation surgery. Now the issue is my lack of stamina that we hope is not created by my heart value leakage. So here is the plan – 90 days of reduced external activity and 90 days of stamina building exercise and diet changes. As you can guess I would much rather stay portly and eat everything in sight while still running around tilting windmills but I better not until I get back in shape. I don’t want them to decide a heart valve replacement is in my future. So another 3 months of a semi active lifestyle after which I hopefully be back in action. Don’t say I didn’t give you fair warning.

My other good news was the great job the ATT techs did in installing my new fiber optic driven television and internet service. 5 TV sets now have access to more than 300 channels, the DVR holds 120 hours of video and I can record up to four channels simultaneously. The DVR capability may really pay off during the Olympics and at other times when there are many on the air activities going on at the same time.

~~~

I also installed the new Norton 360 security suite. What a difference that made, everything is faster, my protection level has gone up a couple of notches and my system is backed up to one of my external drives on the fly.

I just realized that my shock find that everything worked well is due to the fact that I just don’t expect everything to happen they way it was promised anymore. Yes, I know I may regret saying that but so far no catastrophe has struck to prove me wrong.

So it is a good day, 70 degrees outside, sunshine, flowers in bloom, my health appears to be on the mend, and everything works better and faster, at my age you can’t hope for much more than that.

~~~

“I’ve noticed that being with you, I smile more often, I anger a little less quickly, the sun shines a little brighter, and life is so much sweeter. For being with you takes me to a different place: a place called love.”

Unknown

~~~

"Tips For Working Hard"

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal email, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught – your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently.

One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" – a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed According to George Costanza of ‘Seinfeld’, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Appear to Work Late Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g.9:35pm, 7:05am, etc…) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed

8. Stacking Strategy It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc… Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

9. Build Vocabulary Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

~~~

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base."

Dave Barry

~~~

After just one year of marriage, Jill filed for divorce.

A friend, trying to console her said that you never know what a man’s like until you live with him.

"I should have left him right after the honeymoon. He didn’t even take me to Niagara Falls like he promised. All we did was drive through a car wash a couple of times, real slow."

~~~

I hate mornings. They’re so early

~~~

Two dapper old men sit on the porch of the retirement home every single afternoon. Two marriage-minded old ladies who move to the home set their sights on these most eligible of bachelors.

The first day, they dress up in their finest evening gowns and parade past the porch three times. The men don’t even look up. Every day for two weeks, the old ladies try something new to get their attention – new hats, new hairdos, new jewelry. But the men don’t give them a second glance.

Finally, the old ladies are so fed up one says to the other, "the only thing that’s going to get the attention of those old coots is a little flesh." The next afternoon, both ladies take off all their clothes in the bushes, then streak by the porch.

One of the old men says to the other, "My God, what did they have on today?"

The other codger shakes his head. "Can’t say for sure. But whatever they were wearing, it certainly needs ironing very badly."

~~~

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed. Never throw out anyone.

Audrey Hepburn

~~~

Two mothers are having a conversation about their children.

"How do you get your Pauly up so early on school mornings?" asks one of them.

"Oh, that’s easy," replies the other. "I just throw the cat on his bed."

"Why does that wake him up?"

"He sleeps with the dog."

~~~

“These things I warmly wish for you

Someone to love, some work to do,

A bit o’ sun, a bit o’ cheer,

And a guardian angel always near”

Irish Blessings quotes

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are more than 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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