Ray's musings and humor

Archive for March, 2008

Ray’s Health Report

 

Ray made it back from his day with the physicians yesterday a little droopy. Today I think he still is trying to reset his energy but also I know he was disappointed in what he learned. When they read out his pacemaker’s memory it showed that he was in Atrial Fibrillation and has had number of occurrences since his last operation. Of course that was a disappointment since he had hoped that the two recent operations had totally cured him but unfortunately it did not. The good news is that the problem has not been as severe, yet on occasion it does knock him off stride.

It is possible that starting him on new medications can reduce or eliminate the problem; the medicine they want to try does so in about 70% of patients with similar difficulties. The medicine they will use has some nasty side effects in about 2% of those taking it, if heart failure can be called a nasty effect. So here is the deal he is going back in the hospital for three or more days for observation while they start him on the new drugs, if all goes well he’ll be back at full speed soon. He is hoping that he will be able to be admitted next Monday. Right now he is doing fine just disappointed and worn out. He has had to back out of a number of activities for a little while at least. I told him I was going to send out another of his old dailies today and expected him to write a new one tomorrow.

Oh yes, he told me to thank those of you who have wished him well and to tell you he is fine, it is just another short term glitch that soon will be resolved.

Have a good day!

Ray’s Computer

~~~

March 5, 2001

Today is Custom Chief’s Day in Vanuatu.

I bet you are really ready to celebrate.

 

 

OK, today lets all:

*Strive for excellence, not perfection.*

*Be on time.*

*Don’t criticize anyone for 24 hours.*

*Be kind to other people.*

*Be even kinder to unkind people.*

~~~

A t-shirt on the back of a passing motorcyclist said if "You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off."
~~~

There really is a difference

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

~~~

"Don’t ya just hate it when you see one of those road signs that says ‘Draw Bridge Ahead’ and you don’t have a pencil."

~~~

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Nancy, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that’s over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.

The boss pressed on, "Who told you that you could come and go as you please around here ?"

Nancy simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, …."My lawyer."

~~~

David was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his wife.  He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

"David!!  David!!  Put down that paper and let’s talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today.  What do you suggest?"

David put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then said, "How about two minutes of silence?"

~~~

Doesn’t "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

~~~

Chet: How does Wilma like being pregnant, Bert?

Bert: She’s not "pregnant." She’s "expecting."

Chet: Oh!

Bert: She’s expecting me to do more housework. She’s expecting me to cook dinner. She’s expecting me to rub her feet, etc.

~~~

I asked a girl what her sign was, and she said "Stop".

~~~

From Frances:

What a Difference 30 yrs. makes:

1970: Long hair, 2000: Longing for hair.

1970: The perfect high. 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: KEG. 2000: EKG

1970: Acid Rock. 2000: Acid Reflux

1970: Moving to California because its cool. 2000: Moving to California because its warm.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems. 2000: Roughage.

1970: Paar. 2000: AARP

1970: Killer weed. 2000: Weed killer

1970: Hoping for BMW. 2000: Hoping for BM.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint. 2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones. 2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principals office. 2000: Calling the principal’s office.

1970: Peace sign. 2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut. 2000: Children begging you to get their head shaved.

1970: Passing the drivers test. 2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: "Whatever." 2000: "Depends."

~~~

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway

~~~

Taking up painting, an asylum inmate worked for weeks on his masterpiece.  When he finally showed it to asylum doctors, they were stunned.  The canvas was entirely blank.

"Ummmm, yeah, it’s lovely," said one psychiatrist, "but, er…what is it?"

"Why," the inmate proudly replied, "it is a painting of the exodus from Egypt."

"I see," said another doctor.  "Actually, what I don’t see is the Red Sea."

"Ah," said the inmate, "it’s been parted…driven back, as it says in the Old Testament."

"And the Israelites?"

"They have already passed through."

"And what of the Egyptians?" demanded another.

"Are you blind?"  said the artist, growing indignant. "They haven’t arrived yet!"

~~~

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

~~~

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That’s right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn’t have any change for a reward."

~~~

"It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do NOT care who gets the credit."

Harry S. Truman (1884-1972) 33rd U.S. President

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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He’s at the Docs

 

Well the boss is up and about today but I think it is only because he has critical Doctors appointments. This morning it is his lung doc and later today he has lab tests and visits with his heart guys.

Like I said yesterday I told him I am not sending any new Dailies until his energy returns, his docs have told him how he is doing and his load is reduced. I would hope I’ll be able to let him back on stream on Thursday but we’ll see.

So here is another one he wrote years ago.

Ray’s Computer

~~~

March 4, 2005

 

Recently we learned that the life expectancy of those of us who live in the U.S. has again increased. I also saw recently that most of us have more material things than anyone in history. We are generally healthier and wealthier. Our kids have more than we ever dreamed possible. Since this is the case, why is it being reported that there is more unhappiness, worry, and depression than in the past. I recently read an essay that reported that no matter how much money each of us makes we still feel we need more. If our neighbor has a new whiz-bang why do we feel we must have one too, and hopefully a better one at that.

I am as guilty as most since I don’t really want for much. I have more devices, gadgets, toys, electronics, books, records, CD’s, and stuff, than I can ever use. I wonder if we have so much that we have lost the ability to savor something exceptional. It is almost like we have eaten so often at good or fine restaurants that we take good food for granted. I am beginning to think we should occasionally follow Henry David Thoreau’s lead and revisit the simpler life.

Just like I strive to place value on my friendships I hope I can place value on that which is valuable. It is not the quantity of our toys that measure each of us, it is the quality of the lives we lead. Another thing that bothers me is how much time is taken up in meaningless pursuits. Do I really have to read every magazine, visit every web page, see every movie, visit every restaurant. I hope you agree that it is sad that so many of us spend most, if not all, of our time just using it, instead of investing time in the things that enrich our lives. For what it’s worth I don’t think spending long periods playing video games increases the quality of life.

~~~

If I shall sell both my forenoons and afternoons to society, as most appear to do,

I’m sure that, for me, there would be nothing left worth living for.

Henry David Thoreau

~~~

He Said:

There Are Ten Commandments of Marriage.

Commandment 1: Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning…

Commandment 2: If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep…

Commandment 3: Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen…

Commandment 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is…

Commandment 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one…

Commandment 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish…

Commandment 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife…

Commandment 9: Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste…

Commandment 10: A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished…

Again this does not reflect the viewpoint of the editor. The rules bar any such opinions.

~~~

Ain’t it hell though to reach your "September Years" and discover that you blew the best of July and August.

~~~

Have you noticed in the movies that:  

All teenage boys have some kind of "do not enter or else" sticker or sign on their bedroom door.

Something very very bad always happens when someone says "How bad can it be?" or "Can things get any worse?"

While crossing wobbly old rope bridges, the hero will always state "don’t look down." Then the female will say, "too late," prompting the wooden board she next steps on to break and she falls through, and is left dangling high above a river that’s always full of hungry, man-eating crocodiles.

Any teen comedy usually ends with a prom no matter the time of year.

If the hero is running, the henchmen’s machine-guns will always give off sparks behind the hero’s feet and never actually hit him.

Heroes/villains, especially when wearing bulky, heavy, long black trench coats, can jump easily from rooftop to rooftop, always able to clear alleys ten to fifteen feet wide.

If a parent goes to their child’s bedroom and they are already in bed asleep, the parent will approach the bed and say something kind to the sleeping child before brushing their hair into place and kissing them on the forehead.

If there happens to be a high-rise building in an action/ disaster film, you can always expect an oblivious Hispanic janitor listening to salsa on his headphones.

Be extremely cautious around cremation urns, because somehow it’s going to get knocked over.

If there is a dangerous man breaking into a house, only the mother and daughter will be home. The mother will then usher the child into a closet and tell her to stay there, and the closet will always have those blinds with little slits in them that the child can look through. The bad man will always approach the closet, but will never look inside before leaving.

An alcoholic can always chug down a gallon of whisky without vomiting, getting really drunk, or burning their throat. He’ll chug it down, wince, and go "Aahhh!"

If there is about to be a huge disaster like an alien invasion or the world is about to be plunged into a new ice age there will always be a smart character who can see what’s going to happen well before it does, but is ignored and made fun of by everyone until its too late.

In a gunfight, the hero can hide behind any object even if it is very thin and no bullets will pass through.

In a movie with a Chinese bad guy, the guy ALWAYS hangs out in China Town and his hideout is ALWAYS in a Chinese restaurant.

The hero may get shot in the arm at the very end.

If a number of people are knocked out with gas or otherwise, they will all wake up at approximately the same time.  

~~~

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

~~~

For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions:

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being—a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one’s absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one’s joys and sorrows."

To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement.

Finally, she responded, "I think it’s a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?"

~~~

"Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."

Ann Landers

~~~

A sign was placed at the entrance of the large machinery plant. It said:

"Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist."

~~~

A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone.

Henry David Thoreau

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

I sent him to bed.

 

Ray is under the weather today and he will be at Doctors most of the day tomorrow for follow up cardiac tests, etc. I don’t know what’s up but he does not seem to have his usual energy, of course it may just be laziness. Anyhow he has a somewhat overloaded week and already has had to cancel two events because he is planning to put his head under the pillow and rest.

I am sure everything is fine but I told him I would not send you any daily he might write in the next few days since I was going to do what he does once in awhile and send you unedited copies of old dailies. He was not happy but since I control the transmit button there is nothing he can do about it.

Have a good day!

Ray’s Computer

~~~

March 3, 2005

Last Tuesday evening my oldest daughter and I went to see the musical, Beauty and the Beast, at a local equity theatre. It was great; the staging was especially good.

You might remember the story. A prince is turned into a beast through a curse. The only hope for the prince and his entourage is for him to fall in love with a woman and for her to in-turn fall in love with him. As the show develops the beasts true inner self comes through and of course they fall in love and he again becomes the prince.

While the story is a fairy tale of sorts, it does carry an important message. That is, if we spend the time to get through our prejudices and other peoples external images, we often will find a good heart and inner beauty. Too often we immediately lose interest in someone new because they don’t look like us, come from a different culture, or have some perceived flaw. Unless you have found that all of your first impressions were accurate, you have already found that it is when we dig deeper that we find the true person. If you are like I am, you can always use a new friend, mentor, or interesting companion. And you never know where you might find them. If you take a moment to take a real interest in those you meet while learning a little bit about them, you will often discover someone special. I know that is what happened to me when I met many of you.

~~~

Beauty is in the heart of the beholder.

~ Al Bernstein ~

~~~

Theology, kid style ………

1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda

2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce

3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet

4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison

5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene

6. Dear God, is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita

7. Dear God, I bet it’s very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy

8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glen

9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis

13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don’t do any now? Billy

14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter

15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry

16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What’s up? Don’t forget. Mark

17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn’t sound right. What do you say? Marsha

18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Barbara

19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny

20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles

21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can’t you do that with the moon? Jeff

22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank

And, saving the best for last . . .

23. Dear God, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Thomas

~~~

Where our work is, there let our joy be.

Tertullian

~~~

She said:

Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like Blenders. You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.

Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth,& they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say.

Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like Mascara. They run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

~~~

Men and women know they’ve reached middle age when they notice kids are getting noisier and the latest music is getting worse.

~~~

The service area was located on a main highway leading to the beach. The pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to tank up.

When a rusty old van containing a very tired looking couple and six screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants.

"Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there. Are they all yours or is this a picnic?"

Wearily, the driver replied, "Yes they are all mine and it’s NO picnic!"

~~~

186,000 miles/sec. Not just a good idea, it’s the LAW.

~~~

A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago. On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.

The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home. "Mr. Katz, I’m asking you, as the oldest member of the community," said the rabbi, "what is our synagogue’s custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?"

"Why do you ask?" asked Mr. Katz.

"Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down… "

"That," said the old man, "is our custom."

~~~

Book (n): a utensil used to pass time while waiting for the computer repairman.

~~~

For years a farmer lived on the border of Iowa and Minnesota and never knew what state he actually lived in.

Finally an official surveyor came to the farm to determine his residence.

"Sir, it turns out that you live in Iowa."

"Whew." the farmer sighed.

"Why so relieved?" the confused surveyor asked.

"No more Minnesota winters," came the farmer’s reply.

~~~

That which is striking and beautiful is not always good;

but that which is good is always beautiful.

~ Ninon De L’Enclos ~

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

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