Ray's musings and humor

He’s semi-back

 

 

Hi all. I am sorry to say my rear is still draggin’ and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I know I had to write something today so I am here and at least it gives me the opportunity to thank all the well wishers for their messages. Like my computer reported I have had a temporary health setback and will be trying a different drug next week while I spend three days or so in the hospital appreciating the nurses, reading some, listening to books on my I-pod and just laying around. No knives, no IV’s, just heart monitors; my son calls it my SPA visit.

I have felt bad that I have had to cancel or delay so much this week and will have to do it again for the next week or two. In most cases I would not have been very effective anyway so I am sure I was not overly missed and in some cases people were probably gratified that I did not show up. Hopefully both Spring and I will bloom again soon and I will catch back up.

I am hoping that either my computer or I will have a Daily tomorrow but if we don’t it will be back soon. I do know that we will be shut down for most if not all of next week. While I am gone please stay out of trouble and don’t do anything wild and crazy, at least not until I return so I can join you.

Ray

~~~

Many of you have written that you have enjoyed this weeks Dailies from the past that I am going to take the easy way out and do another one.

 

March 6, 2001

More of lessons from life:

We don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

If you don’t want to forget something, stick it in your underwear drawer.

You shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

~~~

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
~~~

Melinda sent these actual announcements from synagogue newsletters and bulletins.

  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC (Jewish Community Centre). Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
  • Rabbi is on vacation.  Massages can be given to his secretary.
  • Mrs. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
  • The Men’s Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
  • We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary.  All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
  • If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
  • The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue’s new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours."

~~~

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

~~~

Diana says she is glad she is a woman because:

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Taxis stop for us.

We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.

We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.

There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.

We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren’t listening anyway.

~~~

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

~~~

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. Doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him.  The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.  A country doctor was able to cure him and as the doctor was leaving after a week’s stay, the Texan said, "Doc!  I am a man of my word.  You name it and if it is humanly possible I’ll get it for you."

"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs that would be fine."

With that the doctor left.  The doctor didn’t hear from the Texan millionaire for some months.  Then one day he got a phone call from the millionaire.

"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs.  The reason it took so long is that two of them didn’t have swimming pools and I didn’t think they were good enough for ya.  So I had pools installed and they’re all ready for you now!"

~~~

Lovka’s Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.

~~~

On a stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.  As traffic began to pile up in all directions, a woman rushed to help him.  As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It’s all right, honey.  I’ve had a course in first aid."

She stood up and watched as he took the man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.  Then she tapped him on the shoulder. "When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I’m already here."

~~~

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

~~~

I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers. My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn’t lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "when as other five came along, I started dressing you alike so we won’t pick up any that don’t belong to us."

~~~

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

~~~

An English teacher spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students’ written work. One overly busy day she sat at her desk rubbing her temples. A student asked, "What’s the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again, "Er… What was the matter?  What has been the matter? What might have been the matter?"

~~~

It really bothers me when people cut me o…

~~~

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old,

you grow old because you stopped laughing.

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

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