Ray's musings and humor

If we don’t go crazy once in a while, we’ll all go crazy.

Hawkeye

 

 

I am on the run again today so I have gone back seven years to find a daily for us.

Wednesday

February 28, 2001

 

On this day in 1983"M*A*S*H" closed out its TV. Can it really be 18 years ago? (Now 25 years) It was one of the highest rated shows of all time. The shows hold up even today.

~~~

Some of the ways to stay happy:

*Return everything you borrow.*

*Stop blaming other people.*

*Live within your means and within your seams.*

*Be humble.*

*Every day, do something nice and try not to get caught.*

~~~

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings.

They did it by killing all those who opposed them.

~~~

He said you can’t win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don’t work enough, you are a good for nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp. If you don’t, you are an insensitive bastard.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination. If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain. If you don’t, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something. If you don’t, you are not thoughtful.

If she has a headache, she is tired. If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.

~~~

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

~~~

My two-year-old cousin scared us one summer by disappearing during our lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when we found Matthew playing calmly in the woods.

"Listen to me!" his mother said sharply.  "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?"

Matthew thought about that for a moment and said,

"Okay, Disney World."

~~~

"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."

H. L. Mencken

~~~

She said:

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving? A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A. If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.  Why? A. Cause you’re fatter then they are.

~~~

"Success is just a matter of luck. Ask any failure."

~~~

A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.

"Don’t play with your food," one second-grader cited.

"Don’t be loud," said another, and so on.

"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.

Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."

~~~

[On the death of a promiscuous actress]: She sleeps alone at last.

Robert Benchley

~~~

MORE GREAT SIGNS

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: "No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted."

Official sign near door:  Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby:  Window frightened.

Seen in a health food store: "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot"

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."

~~~

Success isn’t permanent and failure isn’t fatal.

Mike Ditka

~~~

Laws and Rules

* Weiner’s Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* Isaac’s Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

* Kenny’s Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person’s name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary – If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

~~~

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

~~~

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two- letter word, and that is "UP."

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP.

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special, and this is confusing.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn’t rain for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I’ll shut UP.

~~~

There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.

John Andrew Holmes

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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