Stress is an ignorant state.
It believes that everything is an emergency.
Nothing is that important.
I hope you can hear me. Ray is taking a long nap so I have to keep my voice low. He worked at a charity fundraiser this morning and got home beat. I did not want to wake him up or wait to put out the daily so I looked in his files and pulled out some old stuff for today. Thanks for your understanding.
August 15, 2003
In this day and age we are all expected to stay stressed. Those of us who stay calm and are committed to a more relaxed life are often viewed with suspicion. Obviously we don’t have ambition, nor do we understand just how bad everything is. So if you are being discriminated against because you lack acceptable levels of stress follow these tips. You’ll have no trouble if you practice these clinically proven methods:
- Never Exercise – Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.
- Eat Anything You Want – Hey, if cigarette smoke can’t cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn’t likely to.
- Gain Weight – Work hard at staying at least 25% over your recommended weight.
- Take Plenty of Stimulants – The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
- Avoid Relaxation Practices – Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. The ‘perpetual work’ ethic is good for staying stressed.
- Get Rid of Your Social Support System – Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that you concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.
- Personalize All Criticism – Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don’t take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!
- Males and Females Alike – Be Macho. Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!
- Become a Workaholic – Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.
- Discard Good Time Management Skills – Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.
- Procrastinate – Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.
- Worry about Things You Can’t Control – Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.
- Become Not Only a Perfectionist But Set Impossibly High Standards – and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don’t meet them.
- Throw Out Your Sense of Humor – Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn’t be treated as one.
The superior man is satisfied and composed; the mean man is always full of distress.
Cowboy: "Well, I suppose you’ve been alright. You’ve been a decent horse, I guess. A bit slow sometimes, but a decent horse, and…"
Horse: "No, you stupid idiot I didn’t ask you for FEEDBACK! I said that I wanted my FEEDBAG!"
She didn’t know it couldn’t be done so she went ahead and did it.
Do you remember when you said to the kids?
Don’t ask me, ask your mother.
Were you raised in a barn?
Get your elbows off the table!
If you forget, you’ll be grounded till the end of the world.
You call that a haircut??
"Hey" is for horses.
This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
Turn off those lights. Do you think I am made of money?
Don’t give me any of your lip, young lady!
You call that noise "music?"
We’re not lost. I’m just not sure where we are.
No, we’re not there yet.
As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.
I’ll tell you why. Because I said so. That’s why!
So you think you’re smart, do you?
What’s so funny? Wipe that smile off your face.
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times.
You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do.
This is your last warning!
I’m not just talking to hear my own voice!
What do you think I am a bank?
What part of NO don’t you understand?
I don’t care what other people are doing! I’m not everybody else’s Father!
Hey, did you hear me talking to you?
Don’t use that tone with me!
Am I talking to a brick wall?
If I catch you doing that one more time, I’ll..
Act your age.
Don’t make me stop the car!
What did I just get finished telling you?
If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don’t know. I’ll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door."
You have to be careful about being too careful.
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me. The whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That’s not true, Mary. Lots of people don’t even know you."
"There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who don’t."
This woman’s husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? My goodness, how big was it?"
Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."
Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.
Stay well, do good work, and have fun.
Indianapolis, Indiana, USA
Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.
The editor is somewhat senile.