Ray's musings and humor

Archive for July, 2007

I appreciate all that you do!

Measure wealth not by the things you have,

but by the things you have for which you would not take money.

 

 

Sorry gang, but I am worn out today so you will just have to get by with another visit to the past. Hopefully tomorrow I will have more stamina and will be able to think. See you then. Ray

~~~

July 17, 2002

My friend, Kiwanis International Past-President, Dr. Wil Blechman sent me this test. To me it is right on target.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier? The lesson:

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life.

~~~

"Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia!"

~~~

In a stationery store, I quickly picked out a card for my wife for our anniversary. The clerk was surprised by how little time it took me, and she began relating a story about another customer who spent a half-hour searching for the right anniversary greeting. Noticing the man lingering over one card after another, the clerk went to see if she could help.  "Is there a problem?" she asked. "Yes, there is," he replied ruefully.  "I can’t find one my wife will believe."

~~~

She said, I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

~~~

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

She replied, "Yes or No."

~~~

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells.

I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it….

Steven Wright

~~~

Two husbands, Bill and Bob, were discussing their married lives.

Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.

Then Bill said, "I’ve made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."

"Wow!" said Bob, "How do you manage that?"

"It’s easy," replied Bill.

"My last words are always ‘Yes, Dear.’"

~~~

It is not how old you are, but how you are old.

Marie Dressler

~~~

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer’s garden.

"I’ll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I’ll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer’s hand, "I’ll pick it up in about a week."  

~~~

The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.

William James

~~~

His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris’ Last Will and Testament.

"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 2 million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar and $250,000..

To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."

~~~

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

~~~

She said: While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.  

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"  

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You’d never get it all in one."  

[This is clearly a fantasy as no man who wants to live to see another sunrise would say this to his wife.]

~~~

Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.

Carol Burnett

~~~

Billy receives his homework back from the teacher. At the top it says that the homework was unsatisfactory and he must to do it again. He bursts out, "Well, that sucks!!!"

The teacher called his mother and told her that Billy has to do his homework over and some additional work because Billy used inappropriate language.

Whereas the mother replied, "Boy, that sucks, what did he say?"

~~~

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

~~~

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

~~~

You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips.

Oliver Goldsmith

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

Advertisement

I’m OK, I hope you are too!

“Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.”

Mary Anne Radmacher

 

 

Before I get on with the daily I need to clarify my health situation. Apparently I made it sound worse than it probably is. The Atrial Fibrillation that I am experiencing is not life threatening only debilitating. When I have a severe bout I can’t drive and need to rest, that’s all. I only delayed my Cardiac appointments one week, I did so in hopes that I would be able meet a previous obligation, and there is a good chance that I will be able to do so. The original health appointments would have prevented me from volunteering two out of the three days I am committed to work.

 

As you know an ill wind often brings some good. In my case my health message resulted in e-mail from some of you for the first time in awhile and that was good.

 

My old friend Vince sent this to me sometime ago, I have been saving it and now is a good time to see it again.

The most destructive habit…………………………Worry

The greatest Joy………………………………………Giving

The greatest loss………………….Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work………………..Helping others

The ugliest personality trait………………..Selfishness

The most endangered species……..Dedicated leaders

Our greatest natural resource………………..Our youth

The greatest "shot in the arm"………..Encouragement

The greatest problem to overcome………………….Fear

The most effective sleeping pill………Peace of mind

The most crippling failure disease…………….Excuses

The most powerful force in life……………………..Love

The most dangerous pariah………………….A gossiper

The world’s most incredible computer…….The brain

The worst thing to be without……………………. Hope

The deadliest weapon………………………..The tongue

The two most power-filled words…………….."I Can"

The greatest asset…………………………………..Faith

The most worthless emotion………………….Self-pity

The most beautiful attire…………………………..SMILE!

The most prized possession………………….. Integrity

The most powerful channel of communication…….Prayer

The most contagious spirit………………..Enthusiasm

~~~

We are all something, but none of us are everything.

Blaise Pascal

~~~

He said: Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.  

"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be much lower."  

My brother smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."  

~~~

I planted some bird seed…A bird came up…Now I don’t know what to feed it.

~~~

"Did you hear about Dr. Jones fighting with his girlfriend?"  

"No, I didn’t"  

"They got to yelling at one another, and he told her she was a lousy kisser."  

"Oh-oh. What did she do then?"  

"She decided to get a second opinion."

~~~

If you accept the expectations of others, especially negative ones, then you never will change the outcome.

Michael Jordan

~~~

An Irish woman goes to her solicitor to ask about getting a divorce.  

The solicitor asks, "Does he beat you?"  

"No, sorr."  

"Does he keep you short of money?"  

"No, sorr."  

"Is he a perpetual drunkard?"  

"No, sorr."  

"Is he unfaithful to you?"  

"Ah, we’ve got him there, sorr. He was not the father of me last child."  

~~~

Age is all imagination. Ignore years and they’ll ignore you.

Ella Wheeler-Wilcox

~~~

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular saleswoman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he wanted to look around alone before requiring her help, so she let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

~~~

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

~~~

Mary:  "Has your husband lived up to all the things he said before you were married?"

Nancy: "No, He’s only lived up to one of them."

Mary: "Which one was that?"

Nancy: "He said he wasn’t good enough for me."

~~~

The world is good-natured to people who are good-natured.

William Makepeace Thackeray

~~~

Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.

The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Pastor, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!"

~~~

There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.

John Andrew Holmes

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

I’ll do better!

“Promises are the uniquely human way of ordering the future, making it predictable and reliable to the extent that this is humanly possible.”

Hannah Arendt

 

 

One of the things that has really bothered me the most recently is that I am no longer as reliable as I have been in the past. Lately I have been having bouts of extreme fatigue, sometimes lasting for as long as a day or two. The thing that bothers me the most is that I have had to cancel an occasional class, miss a meeting, or postpone an appointment. That is not necessarily a big deal as I have been trying to avoid anything where my participation was critical or important. Unfortunately I have not been able to turn down every opportunity and now I have become worried that I may not be able to keep all of my commitments.

 

Naturally this has become a great concern to me as I don’t want to let anyone down. So here is the news, as many of you know I have had chronic atrial fibrillation (a-fib) for many years but it has normally taken me down only occasionally and has been pretty well controlled by my pacemaker and medication. Sometimes other problems have contributed to my loss of energy but not this time. Yesterday they read out data from my pacemaker and it showed that I am now in a-fib almost 40% of the time and I am averaging over 6.5 hours an episode, some lasting for days. So that was good news, we know what is causing my problems we just don’t know why it is getting worse. So the not-so-good news is that it looks like the solution will be a heart operation that solves the problem for 80% of those who undergo the procedure.

 

I have obligations to my Kiwanis club and others in the next 30 days so we are making some minor med changes that may help until I see my cardiologist and the heart surgeon next month, after I fulfill my obligations. I’ll do my best but if I let you down one of these days please forgive me. If all goes well I will re-establish reliable behavior in a few months and become a more reliable player.

~~~

Don’t lower your expectations to meet your performance. Raise your level of performance to meet your expectations. Expect the best of yourself, and then do what is necessary to make it a reality.  

Ralph Marston

~~~

Things that make you want to scream:

There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address…..

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in…..

There’s a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING…..

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came….

You slice your tongue licking an envelope…

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading…

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint…..

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing…..

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am….

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up…..

You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it…..

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing…..

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can’t find it…..

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up…..

~~~

We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aid,

but by an infinite expectation of the dawn.

Henry David Thoreau

~~~

Aging With A Smile

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I’m getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

I think I’ve reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." I’ve tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven’t made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.

~~~

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

George Eliot

~~~

Dear Abby,  

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.  

I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs…phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don’t know them."  

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi at all?  

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.  

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.  

So… is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?  

~~~

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men –

don’t and stop, unless they are used together.

~~~

When the waitress came to work the manager met her at the door.  

"Look," he said, "I want you to put on your cutest uniform, fix your hair lovely, see that your makeup is on neat and walk with that extra-sexy walk."  

"Something special on?" she asked.  

"No," he replied, "The beef is tough."

~~~

“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Can’t stay, gotta run.

Runners just do it – they run for the finish line even if someone else has reached it first.

 

 

I am on the run today between meetings, a out-of-town trip, and Doctor’s appointments I only have 15 minutes, so here we go again, another dip into the past.

 

July 12, 2002

My friend Judy has retired and obviously has found the best way to enjoy herself.

 

Dust if you must but wouldn’t it be better

To paint a picture or write a letter,

Bake a cake or plant a seed.

Ponder the difference between want and need.

 

Dust if you must but there’s not much time,

With rivers to swim and mountains to climb!

Music to hear and books to read,

Friends to cherish and life to lead.

 

Dust if you must but the world’s out there

With the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,

A flutter of snow, a shower of rain.

This day will not come around again.

 

Dust if you must but bear in mind,

Old age will come and it’s not kind.

And when you go and go you must,

You, yourself, will make more dust.

 

Remember, a house becomes a home when you can write "I love you" on the furniture….

~~~

"Life has two rules –

Number 1 – Never quit!

Number 2 – Always remember rule number 1."

~~~

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"

~~~

She said, you’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

~~~

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full…of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans…we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

You know you’ve crossed the midlife threshold when you’re in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don’t bounce back.  (It’s more like Splat!)

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves…and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.

Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!

Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself…and your chins follow suit.

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.

You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions– what is life, why am I here…how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?

~~~

Friendship is like a bank account. You can’t continue to draw on it without making deposits.

~~~

Two smart fellows were in an English pub. They called the publican over and asked him to settle an argument.

‘Are there two pints in a quart or four?", asked one.

"There be two pints in a quart, confirmed the publican.

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.

"Two pints please, miss, and they are on the house."

The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous so one of the fellows called out to the publican at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn’t you?"

"That’s right, he called back, two pints."

~~~

A sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave.

The sailor walked up to the man and asked, "When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?"

The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers."

~~~

The time it takes to rectify a situation is inversely proportional to the time it took to do the damage.

~~~

Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when one of them loses $500 on a single hand and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, they complete the hand standing up. But who is going to tell the wife? They draw straws, and Goldberg, always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is. Goldberg says "Gentlemen! I’m the most discreet guy you will ever meet. Discretion is mine middle name. Leave it to me." So Goldberg goes to the apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

"Your husband just lost $500 at poker," he says.

She hollers back, "HE SHOULD ONLY DROP DEAD!"

Goldberg replies, "From your mouth to God’s ears.

~~~

"Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house." -Steven Seagal

~~~

The teacher asked the children in the Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"NO"! the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven"?

Again, the answer was "NO"!

"Well," the teacher continued, "then how can I get to Heaven?"  In the back of the room, a 5 year old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead.

~~~

"I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone."

Bill Cosby

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

You’ll be glad you took the time!

“Good humor is one of the preservatives of our peace and tranquility”

Thomas Jefferson

 

I think tranquility is one of the greatest words in our language. It brings up visions of quite places and faraway shores. Tranquility is defined as an untroubled state; free from disturbances, a state of peace and quiet, and a disposition free from stress or emotion.

 

I worry sometimes that we search for tranquility in all the wrong places, we might think that it exists at the shore we will go to someday, or on that hammock we laid in as a child, all we know is that it is somewhere but it is not here. I don’t think it exists except within our selves. Too many of us get so wrapped up in the activities of our days and nights that we don’t allow ourselves the time to find the magic that comes from tranquility. When we learn that tranquility is ours for the asking we no longer have to look over the hill or for a lot of time to spend.

 

I find tranquility is often measured in minutes. For me it is the few minutes I rest before napping, often it is a brief period of solitude. I find it whenever I decide that it is more important than the things that often clutter my mind. Once I got use to the pure pleasure that comes from a few moments of tranquility everything else paled by comparison. I found that few things are more important than the gift of tranquility I give to myself a few times each day.

 

Everyone has to find their own way but I know when they do they will find one of the secrets of happiness and well being. When you return from your visit to tranquility you will be recharged, problems will be more manageable and you will enjoy life much more.

~~~

“When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere”

François de la Rochefoucauld

~~~

The traffic light wasn’t working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway — all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.

Again, he got around to the blonde’s corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.

Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn’t it about time you let the Catholics cross?"

~~~

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

~~~

He said: My kid brother, a strict vegetarian, travels abroad for long periods on business. When he got back from Europe one time, he called our parents’ home and told Dad he was about to pay them an unexpected visit. When Dad hung up the phone, he called to my mother. "The prodigal son is returning! Kill the fatted zucchini!"

~~~

Men always want to be a woman’s first love.

Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man’s last romance.

Oscar Wilde

~~~

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I’ll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

~~~

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

~~~

The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.

The father, though late for work, agreed to drive her if she’d direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes – but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.

The father asked his daughter why she’d led him around in such a circle.

The child explained, "That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It’s the only way I know."

~~~

Hors D’oeuvres  — A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.

~~~

The relatives of the family’s rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.

"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."

~~~

One of my greatest pleasures in writing has come from the thought that perhaps my work might annoy someone of comfortably pretentious position. Then comes the saddening realization that such people rarely read.   

John Kenneth Galbraith

~~~

The teacher has listed things she’d like to write on a student’s report card **  

1. Since my last report, the student has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.  

2. I would not allow this student to breed.  

3. This student has delusions of adequacy.  

4. The student sets low personal standards and then occasionally fails to achieve them.  

5. Student has been working with glue too much.  

6. When the student’s IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell.  

7. Student has a photogenic memory but the lens cover is glued on.  

8. The ‘Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.’  

9. If you give the student a penny for his/her thoughts, you would get change.  

10. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.  

~~~

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

~~~

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper. "Where does poo come from?" she asks. The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?" "Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

"And Tigger?"

~~~

"The more tranquil a man becomes, the greater is his success, his influence, his power for good. Calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom."

James Allen

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

What is evil?

At least two thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity, human malice and those great motivators and justifiers of malice and stupidity, idealism, dogmatism and proselytizing zeal on behalf of religious or political idols.

Aldous Huxley:

 

 

In yesterdays daily I said: ""I have decided to be intolerant of those who tolerate evil and who are unwilling to invest in eliminating it. While individually we can’t do much, we can do something. Let’s start be saying more often “let me help you.”"

 

I got this response from Eleni, she is an archaeologist living in Denmark. "Interesting and in relation with my blog too. But I would like to hear the definition of evil first."

 

I thought her comment was right on target. In this day and age too many use hate as a weapon and they often do so by declaring those that do not agree with them as evil. The far right declares the far left as being evil and the far left calls the far right evil. One issue groups declare all those who do not support their cause, evil doers.

 

Some of the accepted definitions for evil are:

·morally bad or wrong; "evil purposes"; "an evil influence"; "evil deeds"

·morally objectionable behavior

·having the nature of vice

·that which causes harm or destruction or misfortune; "the evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones"- Shakespeare

·tending to cause great harm

·the quality of being morally wrong in principle or practice; "attempts to explain the origin of evil in the world"

 

My concern is that the personal definitions of morality and vice are often subjective judgments that result in claiming someone or something is evil thus eliminating any requirement to find out more. When I wrote the daily yesterday I mentally defined evil as cruelty to others, doing harm to the innocent, graft that results in people starving and living in poverty, and other examples of the actions of those who hurt others.

 

More often than not evil is the result failing to “Do unto others as you would have tem do unto you,”

Thanks Eleni, you made me think. Ray

~~~

Nobody is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart, for his purity, by definition, is unassailable.

James Baldwin

~~~

Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House  

1. If you can’t find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it’s an improved screwdriver.  

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.  

3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair … but only if you are working alone.  

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can … many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.  

5. If it’s electronic, get a new one … or consult a twelve-year-old.  

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.  

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.  

8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.  

9. If something looks level, it is level.  

10. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.  

11. Above all, if what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, then it isn’t stupid.  

~~~

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.

Havelock Ellis

~~~

The decision to carry heart defibrillators on airplanes saved a passenger’s life on a Dallas flight. Unfortunately, his HMO only covers coronaries on round trip flights purchased 14 days in advance with a Saturday stay over.

~~~

An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. Often she worked late, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated.

One day a student came to her after class with an essay that had been returned. "I can’t make out this comment you wrote on my paper."

The teacher took the paper and, after studying it, sheepishly replied, "It says that you should write more legibly!"

~~~

Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid.

Harlan Miller

~~~

A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"  

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.  

"Yale," she replied.  

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"  

~~~

They told me I was gullible…I believed them.

~~~

Home Remedies:

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

~~~

In times of universal deceit, telling the truth will be a revolutionary act.

George Orwell

~~~

After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.

"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."

"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied… "You can’t make a living on that."

"Oh, don’t worry," the girl replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"

~~~

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Marcus Tullius Cicero

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

I support intolerance

“If a profound gulf separates my neighbor’s belief from mine,

There is always the golden bridge of tolerance”

 

 

I am a strong believer in tolerance of our differences. No matter your race, religion, age, nationality or political beliefs, you, like me deserve to be judged not by prejudice but rather by performance. Each of us has the responsibility to protect our own freedoms by protecting the freedoms of others.

 

That being said I would like to make a case for intolerance. William Somerset Maugham wrote many years ago that “Tolerance is another word for indifference,” and I believe that far too many of us have become so self-centered and so self-satisfied that we have become too tolerant and too indifferent. People often die of starvation because their inability to get food is tolerated by people just like you and me. Too many children lack an adequate education because so many citizens tolerate education systemic failures. Old folks die alone because no one cared enough to be with them. We tolerate crime as long as it does not affect us personally. Cities deteriorate only because too many of its citizens were indifferent. It truly is a sad state of affairs.

 

I wanted to share these thoughts with you and to let you know that I have decided to be intolerant of those who tolerate evil and who are unwilling to invest in eliminating it. While individually we can’t do much, we can do something. Let’s start be saying more often “let me help you.”

~~~

The true civilization is where every man gives to every other every right that he claims for himself.

Robert Ingersoll

~~~

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.

"Yeah, my mom have one," the other replied.

"What’s it for?"

"It’s a cussing machine," the second boy answered.

"Every time she stands on it she gets really pissed."

~~~

The aim of education should be rather to teach us how to think, than what to think.

James Beattie

~~~

Eager to make her mark in the world of business, the attractive new MBA took a job as executive assistant to the middle aged owner of a fast-growing computer software company.

She found the work challenging and the travel interesting, but was extremely annoyed by her boss’s tendency to treat her in public as though she were his girlfriend rather than a professional associate.

This was especially irritating in restaurants, where he would insist on ordering for her, and on calling her "dearest" or "darling" within earshot of the waiters.

When she told him how much it bothered her, he promised to stop, but the patronizing behavior continued.

Finally, as he led her into a four-star restaurant, she took matters into her own hands.

"Where would you like to sit, sweetheart?" he asked, with a wink at the maitre’d.

"Gee," she replied, "anywhere you say, Dad."

~~~

Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.

Ogden Nash

~~~

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

"Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha’ been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked."

"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it’s no wonder he walked!"

~~~

Rule for a happy marriage:

If your spouse isn’t talking to you, don’t interrupt.

~~~

She said: During my training as a medical-group receptionist, I was told never to recommend one of our doctors over another, but simply state who had available appointments. One day a woman came in and looked at me conspiratorially. "I’m a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows which doctors are good and which aren’t. Who do you think I should see?" Knowing my supervisor was listening close by, I tried to sound most professional. "Oh, I’m sorry," I replied. "I can’t recommend any of our doctors." "Well, you must know!" she said, heading for the door.

~~~

Is it my imagination…or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

~~~

Harry sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes but then the drawbridge got stuck. I swam across the river — see? My suit’s still damp — ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You’ll have to do better than that, Harry," said the boss. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes!"

~~~

All builders’ quotes and time estimates are complete fiction.

~~~

A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said "My husband just won’t go to church with me, I think he’s going to go to Hell."

This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell.

So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said "I try to be good – I’m sure I’ll make it to Heaven."

Another one said, "No, I did this bad thing. I won’t make it unless I mend my ways and I better start soon."

At this point they noticed that one of the ladies (the only single women in the group, and a blonde mind you) wasn’t saying anything. They turned to her and said "You’re such a nice lady, surely you’ll be going to Heaven?"

She says "No way! In fact, first thing in the morning, I’m going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!"

They were shocked and asked, "Why??"

"Well, you don’t expect me to live in a world without men, do you?"

~~~

"I feel so strongly about toilet graffiti, I signed a partition."

~~~

I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.  

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.  

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.  

"I don’t want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."  

~~~

“You may be deceived if you trust too much.

But you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.”

Frank H. Crane

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

Let the journey begin.

“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same.

Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.”

Don Williams, Jr.

 

 

Life is a journey and like all journeys it requires a starting place. I have a young friend who is just beginning his trip and he has shared with me some of his thoughts. In the process he has helped me see the life route in a different way.

Like all of ours his trip will last for a lifetime and he will see many sights along the way if he just stops and looks around. What my young friend faces now is making the choice between traveling as an explorer or following a route laid out by convention and advisors. Those who follow the predetermined path often ask “are we there yet,” only to find that at journeys end that nothing is there.

Fortunately the explorer relishes the adventure and when they get to the next turn they choose the direction that their interest takes them. Their life is one of choice after choice after choice, and it is their choice not someone else’s.

As we all know every journey starts with the first step and then it requires the next step but it does not require that the next step be the last step. The adventurer takes the first step and then takes another and then chooses where his third will take him and then goes on choosing his direction with each new step. As he travels he learns where not to go, what not to do, and more importantly he learns where his heart and interests lay. And do you know what, at the end of their journey they end up exactly where they want to be.

So I hope my young friend understands that he does not have to take the big job tomorrow, find wealth right over the hill, or save the world in a day. If he explores life I am confident that he will do great things and in the process find satisfaction and happiness.

Oh by the way, you can jump off the beaten path at anytime. Many like myself did not really explore until later in life, and like me their life has never been better!

~~~

“Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming … WOW! What a ride!”

~~~

THE AVERAGE SUTH’NER

The average suth’ner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.  

The average suth’ner knows pretty much how many fish make up a mess.  

The average suth’ner knows what general direction "cattywumpus" is.  

The average suth’ner knows that "gimme sugar" don’t mean pass the sugar.  

The average suth’ner knows when somebody’s "fixin" to do something, it won’t be long.  

The average suth’ner knows how good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.  

The average suth’ner knows what, "Well, I Swan…!" means.  

The average suth’ner knows ain’t nobody’s biscuits like Grandma’s biscuits!  

The average suth’ner knows a good dog is worth its weight in gold.  

The average suth’ner knows real gravy don’t come from a store.  

The average suth’ner knows when "by and by" is.  

The average suth’ner knows how to handle their "pot licker".  

The average suth’ner knows the difference between "pert’ near" and "a right far piece".  

The average suth’ner knows the differences between a redneck, a good ol boy, and trailer trash.  

The average suth’ner knows never to go snipe hunting twice.  

The average suth’ner at one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.  

The average suth’ner knows never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.  

The average suth’ner knows you may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll ’em up past the elbows.  

The average suth’ner knows you should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.  

The average suth’ner knows rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.  

The average suth’ner knows rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.  

~~~

Thousands of sperm samples, some stored by men who feared they could become impotent, were accidentally destroyed in a refrigeration tank at the University of Florida this weekend.

Luckily, they were all insured, so each man will be getting sperm of equal or better value in the mail sometime this week.

Jake Novak

~~~

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother’s meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it’s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it’s the one you gave me. But it just didn’t come out right, and I’m so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?"

Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe.

You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we’ll figure it out."

"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, ‘Take fifty cents worth of ground beef’ …"

~~~

Talent is only the starting point.

Irving Berlin

~~~

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse’s office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas.  

"Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.  

"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I’ve come to spend the day with him!"  

~~~

When all other means of communication fail, try words!

~~~

"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom’s uncle. "I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I’m not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle, "that’s exactly what I mean."

~~~

Live each day as if it were your last … someday it will be.

~~~

A bible-thumping preacher was really getting it going one Sunday, and in the heat of the Gospel, an attractive lady leaned out of the balcony a little too far, and fell over the railing.

As she passed the chandelier on the way down, the hem of her dress caught on part of the fixture, and she hung there with her dress pulled clear over her hips for everyone’s viewing pleasure!

The preacher, a sensitive sort, cried out, "Any man who dares to look shall be struck blind!"

An old fellow in the front row nudged his friend and said, "I’m gonna chance it. This left eye ain’t worth a damn, anyway!"

~~~

The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older.

~~~

Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet, my sister rushed him to the emergency room.

"He’ll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know."

~~~

Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go;

It is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.

Alice Mackenzie Swaim

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

Please don’t tell me!

What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t witness with your mouth.

Jewish Proverb

 

 

I was told the other day that someone nearby was getting big bucks for services rendered, you know the kind, something about the world’s oldest profession. I was taken aback by this and did not believe it at all. When I asked for proof, I was told that everybody said it so it must be true. Well I knew it could not be everybody because I am somebody. So I started to ask just anybody if they knew this to be a fact or if they knew somebody who did. After asking almost everybody I had found nobody who had heard any of it from anybody. So what I found out was that when someone tells you a rumor that is founded on what they say everybody says chances are nobody said it. Anybody who believes rumors based on nothing more than what somebody says everybody says often becomes part of the problem.

 

It is sad how whispers behind the back of someone can hurt someone when they never get a chance to tell their story. You get to decide what you want to do, but I will continue think well of everybody until I have factual reasons not to do so. I will not wallow in gossip that serves no purpose other than to hurt somebody. Life is too short to take a chance on missing a good person because someone has run loose with the facts.

~~~

If it’s very painful for you to criticize your friends – you’re safe in doing it.

But if you take the slightest pleasure in it, that’s the time to hold your tongue.

Alice Duer Miller

~~~

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip. He hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there’s any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he’s in luck, there’s a pizza place that just opened and they deliver. He gets the phone number and goes back to his room and orders a pizza.  

Thirty minutes later the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.  

The businessman takes the pizza and immediately starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What’s on this pizza?"  

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "Pizza have what you order: pepper only."  

~~~

Few people blame themselves until they have exhausted all other possibilities.

~~~

Kids Thoughts On Marriage

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. – Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. – Kristen, age 10 (isn’t she a treasure)

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. – Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. – Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. – Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids. – Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. – Lynnette, age 8

On the first date they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. – Martin, age 10  (who said boys do not have brains)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they’re rich. – Pam, age 7   (I could not have said it better myself)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. – Curt, age 7 (good point)

The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. – Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. – Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? – Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. – Ricky, age 10 (the boy already understands)

~~~

No one gossips about other people’s secret virtues.

Bertrand Arthur William Russell

~~~

Bill is getting into the shower just as his wife Jenny, is finishing up her shower when the door-bell rings.

After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the door-bell, Jenny gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before Jenny could say a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on".

After thinking for a moment, Jenny drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, Jenny replaces the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, Bill asks from the shower, "Who was that?

It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

Great!" Bill says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

~~~

Under a sign that said "Employees Must Wash Hands," someone scribbled:

I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.

~~~

Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.

En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked,

"Sir, do you know what we’re doing right now?"

The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window.

"Oh," he replied, "I’d say about 50, maybe 55."

~~~

Dance like no one is watching,

Love like you’ll never be hurt,

Sing like no one is listening,

Live like it’s heaven on earth.

William Purkey

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Tag Cloud