Ray's musings and humor

“Promise me you’ll never forget me because if I thought you would I’d never leave.”

Winnie the Pooh

 

Things are pretty hectic here in the Circle City. As always the last days leading up to the Indianapolis 500 are loaded with pre-race day events. I’ll again be working at the Speedway for the Salvation Army in the morning. I know that there is global TV and news coverage of the event, in fact there is so much coverage that the press has not reported that I have a grandson graduating from High School on Friday and a grand daughter that is graduating from Middle School tomorrow.

 

If your family is like mine you realize that the end of the school year coupled with graduations and all the other May events fills most of our days for at least part of the month. In my case I did not clear the decks so that I could concentrate on being available for what is going on in order to make sure I had enough time to do the daily everyday this week. I hope you have learned not to expect too much from me and will understand that I will stop the daily presses until next week. Don’t worry in my absence, I am fine. In fact today I was fitted with hearing devices that now allow me to understand what people are saying and I am in the process of learning what my wife has been telling me all these years. OK don’t laugh and there is no off button so I will be shifting from I didn’t hear you to I didn’t understand you.

 

So bye bye wherever you are. I’ll see you next week, and hear some of you too.

~~~

Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn’t music.

William Stafford

~~~

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?

Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?

Have you ever run into someone who was gruntled, ruly or peccable? 

And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all).  That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

~~~

A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin’, ironin’, cookin’, and scrubbin’. No wife of mine is gonna work.

~~~

She said: After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot.  Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily.

Wow," the woman said.  "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car."

"Actually," I replied, "that’s my husband."

~~~

College  — The four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

~~~

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.  After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I’ll go home."

~~~ I

If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work, and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

~~~

Your in trouble if:

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.

The little league puts you on waivers.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.

They pay your wages out of petty cash.

~~~

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza …

Dave Barry

~~~

Margaret was royally peeved! She was arguing with the druggist because her favorite cure-all could not be bought without a prescription. "Look, lady. You can’t have this without a prescription because it’s a habit-forming drug."

"IT IS NOT!!!!" Screamed Margaret! "I ought to know: I’ve been taking it regularly for seventeen years!"

~~~

Make God laugh, "Tell him your plans"

Ken Hall

~~~

"Johnny," said his teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your dealer $24, how many tons will he bring you?"

"A little over three tons, ma’am," said Johnny promptly.

"Why, Johnny, that isn’t right," said the teacher.

"No, ma’am, I know it ain’t," said Johnny, "but they all do it."

~~~

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

Winston Churchill

~~~

Bernie says to his wife Sarah, "Let’s go out tonight, darling and have some fun."

Sarah replies, "OK, but if you get home before I do, please leave the light in the hall on."

~~~

Our policy is to always blame the computer.

~~~

The young woman looked up from her hospital bed at the handsome doctor and said breathlessly, "They tell me, doctor, that you’re a real lady killer." The doctor smiled, "Maybe so. But the jury threw the case out of court due to lack of evidence"

~~~

Mom, I’ll always love you, but I’ll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

~~~

A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, but finally found a ninth to play. In desperation, they called on a new member, an Englishman, to join their team. During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park. "Run!" his teammates cried. "For God’s sake, run!" The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan’t run," he replied. "Why should I? I’m perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."

~~~

Life has no romance without risk.

Sarah Doherty

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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