“Goodness is the only investment that never fails.”
Henry David Thoreau
Today I made a pact with a friend that I would only look for good over the next 24 hours. I promised to ignore negative behavior, overlook faults, and skip anything that I could not look at with pleasure. My friend said it was not going to be easy, of course I did not agree, but my friend was right. It is not that good does not exist everywhere it is just that sometimes it takes work to see it. I learned that as you peel away the things you see wrong in someone, negative after negative may have to be lifted. I found that the result is often worth it as I saw people in a different light and now have the opportunity to decide if something good might come out of my discoveries.
In the meantime another day is rapidly slipping away and I still have a lecture to attend at Butler University this evening. So guess what, you probably know already, another dip into one of Ray’s past dailies.
March 29, 2002
Apparently a large number of you also have the same anti-sorehead bias I have. Yesterdays daily generated a lot of positive comment. A friend who is in Ukraine (probably to observe the forthcoming election) suggested that the proposed organization be named Association of Sourpusses, Soreheads and Educated Self-servers (ASSES). Another friend from the East has asked where he can send the names of proposed charter members. I would like to tell the candidates where to go but I don’t think they need one more thing to complain about.
Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it.
Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it.
Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
An unemployed man went to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor.
The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test. After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed as a janitor at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day." Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed by Microsoft."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10.00 in his wallet, he buys a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. In less than two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100.00 before going to sleep that night. Thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned. "What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"
"Well," replied the tomato millionaire, "I would be a janitor at Microsoft!"
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know, my son graduated first in his class from Stanford. He’s now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago." The second woman says, "You know my son graduated first in his class from Harvard. He’s now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, "You know my son; he never did too well in school. He never went to any university, but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?"
The woman then replies, "Oh, he fixes games… you know, hockey games, football games, baseball games…."
Craig said that on the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
Paddy was in America. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he’d allow the traffic to pass. He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
Murphy approached Mulligan’s bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said: ‘Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you’re not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil’s brew. Why don’t you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?’
‘Hang on, Sisters,’ spluttered Murphy. ‘How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it’s wrong to form such a rash judgment when you’ve never tasted the stuff?’
‘Very well,’ said Sister Marie. Till taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can’t go into the pub, so why don’t you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!’
‘OK,’ said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.
‘I’ll have a large gin,’ he said to the barman. ‘And can you put it in a cup?’
‘My God,’ said the barman, ‘that nun’s not outside again is she?’
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
It seems that every time our piano tuner John comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him that it should be done every six months, but I don’t really think about it until the piano sounds off-key. Last time he came over, I was on the defensive.
"If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion."
Without hesitating, he replied, "From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me."
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application.
"Say, Jim," Steve said to his pal, "how do you like your new job?"
"It’s the worst job I ever had."
"How long have you been there?"
"About three months."
"Why don’t you quit?"
"No way. This is the first time in 20 years that I’ve looked forward to going home."
"We’ve got to work to save our children and do it with full respect for the fact that if we do not, no one else is going to do it."
Stay well, do good work, and have fun.
Indianapolis, Indiana, USA
Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.
The editor is somewhat senile.