Ray's musings and humor

4…3…2…1

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Mark Twain

 

 

We had a great Christmas and I hope you did as well. I had put on my Christmas list that I would really like something I really wanted but did not know what it was and you know what? I got a few, I don’t know if it is because others in my family are psychic, they’ve known me long enough to understand me, or it is just that I like everything, probably a little of each. All and all another great Christmas that caps a generally good year.

 

So now we begin the pre-New Years packing ritual a time when we pack more than we should and forget things we need. Fortunately we have been doing that most of our lives so we don’t have to worry about it being a symptom of aging. So my dear friends, as each of you is celebrating the New Year we will be at sea wishing we had remembered something we should have brought and remember all the things that have made our lives what they are.

 

I am not sure when the daily will have to shut down but I know it will be no later than this Friday. While I am gone I would appreciate your keeping the peace, smiling often, having some fun, and being there when we return.

 

We will be traveling with a couple of dear old friends and that is always good and if this cruise is like all our others we will be starting a few new friendships as well. Of course I will miss all of you, but honestly not too much. I will set aside a little time each day in the casino, while on shore, or at a meal to enjoy myself in your name, see I do care. Be good if you can, if you can’t at least get pleasure from what ever it is and try to make sure no one sees you.

~~~

The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.

~~~

These are from an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?" –Age 15

"It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like they do for the queen’s. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends." -Age 8

"I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween." -Age 13

~~~

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

~~~

Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:

~ Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, "I told you so."

~ To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.

~ Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.

~ Look out your window often. If you see a large, zigzag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.

~ For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a majority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did not come from the tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out-of-control fires that consumed most of the city.

~ A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep, and work in doorways.

~ Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes.

~~~

A vacation is what you take when you no longer can take what you have been taking.

Earl Wilson

~~~

The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got.  He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line.  "A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits," he told them.

After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served. A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn’t like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.

The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you’re gonna eat ?" he asked.  The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don’t look too appetizing."

The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"  The Chaplain smiled and hit the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."

The kid said, "Yeah, man, I’d appreciate it."

The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.

~~~

A crisis is when you can’t say "Lets forget the whole thing". 

~~~

Since I won’t be with you for New Years I thought you might benefit from the following advice.

If you are sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

  • I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
  • Stop exercising. Waste of time.
  • Read less.
  • Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
  • Procrastinate more.
  • Drink. Drink some more.
  • Take up a new habit: smoking.
  • Spend more time at work.
  • Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.
  • Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
  • Start being superstitious.

~~~

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to."

Rita Rudner

~~~

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one.  Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you’re a man, that’s interesting.  I’m a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars!  There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.  This must be a sign that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely.  This must be a sign!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here’s another miracle.  My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break.  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.  The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren’t you having any?"

The woman replies, "No.  I think I’ll just wait for the police."

~~~

“I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it, but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor”

Oliver Wendell Holmes

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: