Ray's musings and humor

Archive for November, 2006

Nuts!!!! I forgot how old I am.

There is always some specific moment when we realize our youth is gone;

But years after, we know it was much later.

Mignon McLaughlin

 

 

There is a lot of truth in the McLaughlin quote above. In fact I am not sure we ever believe that our youth is gone, at least I don’t. I never thought I would get to the point where I could say that someone was young when they were only in their sixties, but I have.

 

Some say that you are only as old as you feel. With my arthritis, challenging eyesight, and occasional infirmities; you would have to consider me pretty old if it was measured by how you sometimes feel. But I have come to believe that age is all mental. I look around and find all kinds of people whose open minds and positive attitudes radiate a youthfulness often missing in those of lesser age. Hanging out with them and the truly young spills over into my world and is the source of much pleasure.

 

Now I have to get personal. I like the senior discounts, I like getting to the point where I don’t worry too much what others think, and I like the freedom that comes with unchaining myself from work and other commitments. But if the truth be known I am also grateful for those who find it easy to forgive my failings because they think I am old. A recent example was this past week; the Nationalities Council of Indiana held a meeting where I was elected to their board of directors, it is kind of a big deal right? The problem was that I completely spaced out the meeting and did not go. As penance I have made arrangements to meet with the council president next week so that I can be duly chastised. I hate to occasionally exhibit some senility but at least now they will know not to expect too much.

 

I do worry some about how people’s names seem to fade more quickly from my memory. Possibly the reason that they do slip away is that my mind is continuously being loaded up with new things resulting in it’s being overloaded, after all I have been filling it for a long time. Everyone knows that when something overflows something has to go in order to make room for the new. That’s my story and I’ll stick to it. Since I can’t control what spills I now put Post-It notes everywhere, load a kitchen calendar with entries, and set my computer to provide me alerts every few hours for days before an event. I also am now faithfully carrying my Palm Pilot at all times. Now when I am too spacey I know it is due to global warming, tainted food or some witch doctor in Haiti putting pins in a doll; I know it can’t possibly be because I am getting older.

~~~

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

Mark Twain

~~~

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

* To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."  

* If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.  

* To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.  

~~~

I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.

Stephen Leacock

~~~

These are from an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?" –Age 15

"It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like they do for the queen’s. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends." -Age 8

"For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out." -Age 6

"When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell." -Age 5

"If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started." -Age 15

~~~

The reason people blame things on the previous generation is that there’s only one other choice.

Doug Larson

~~~

Two sisters spent two weeks in Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans. No matter where they went, they were subject to rude behavior from waiters, store clerks, pedestrians, etc. After awhile, it started to irritate them.

One day, in Paris, one sister went shopping. She entered a store and started looking around. She was the only customer in the store. As she was looking through the clothes on the rack, a clerk hurriedly approached her and very abruptly asked if he could help her.

The sister was used to this bad treatment by now and she politely declined his help. She continued to look at the clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was staring at her.

Defiantly, she continued to look through the clothes. When she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her heels, with her head held high and left the shop.

As she left, she noticed that the sign on the store read, "Dry Cleaners."

~~~

Before resolving to jog five miles a day, visit a cardiologist to have your heart examined, a podiatrist to have your feet examined and a psychiatrist to have your head examined.

~~~

Jill:  I had to take the bus the other day, and a gentleman asked his young son to give up his seat "for the lady" – ME!

Mary:  Well, that was just common courtesy, right?

Jill:  I don’t know.  The boy was sitting on his father’s lap!

~~~

Summer camps are places that are staffed by seventeen-year-old counselors, which is amusing since you wouldn’t trust them with your car, but with your kids it’s okay.

~~~

A psychiatrist was trying to comfort a new patient who was terribly upset. "You see, Doc," the patient explained, "my problem is that I like shoes much better than I like boots."  

"Why, that’s no problem," answered the doctor. "I like shoes better than boots."  

The patient was thrilled, "That’s neat, Doc! How do you like them, fried or scrambled?"  

~~~

It’s more fun to color outside the lines.

~~~

While waiting to register at a hotel, I overheard the couple ahead of me asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.

Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don’t know. We’ve been sharing the same bed for 44 years." "Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.

Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."

Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want to be able to punch him."

~~~

Father Time is not always a hard parent, and, though he tarries for none of his children, often lays his hand lightly upon those who have used him well; making them old men and women inexorably enough, but leaving their hearts and spirits young and in full vigour.  With such people the grey head is but the impression of the old fellow’s hand in giving them his blessing, and every wrinkle but a notch in the quiet calendar of a well-spent life.

Charles Dickens

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Love Works!!!

 “The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”

Morrie Schwartz

 

 

When I was younger and not even that many years ago I found it hard to use the word love. The word was filled with all kinds of baggage created possibly by cultural conditioning that made it a word filled with images of romantic love. You can imagine my surprise when I recently realized that I was closing all kinds of messages with, “Love, Ray.” I was amazed to find that it now flowed so naturally to paper and how right it felt. Possibly I have matured to the point that I understand what Mother Theresa, Anne Frank, and others have said to us. While I have not arrived at the point that I love everyone no matter what they do, I do find peace in finding more to love each day. There is much to be said for expecting to find good in others rather than fearing that we might be hurt if we are too receptive to others.

 

If we don’t love one and other, who will? And if we do love each other why not say that we do more often?

 

Alabaster Boxes

Author Unknown

Do not keep the alabaster boxes of your love and tenderness sealed up, until your friends are dead. Fill their lives with sweetness. Speak approving, cheering words while their ears can hear them and while their hearts can be thrilled and made happier by them. The kind things you mean to say when they are gone, say them before they go. The flowers you mean to send-use to brighten and sweeten their homes before they leave them. If my friends have alabaster boxes laid away, full of fragrant perfumes of sympathy and affection I would rather they would bring them out in my weary and troubled hours and open them, that I may be refreshed and cheered when I need them. Let us learn to anoint our friends beforehand. Post-mortem kindness do not cheer the burdened spirit. Flowers cast no fragrance backward over the weary way.

~~~

“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter.”

James Earl Jones

~~~

She said: My husband, Jim, was playing piano in an intimate and dimly lit club. He couldn’t help but notice a couple locked in a passionate embrace on a love seat right in front of the piano. They were rather distracting, but finally they came up for air long enough to make a breathless request. "Uh, could you play ‘After the Lovin’?’"

"Sure thing," Jim agreed. "Just let me know when you’re through."

~~~

Only when we give joyfully, without hesitation or thought of gain, can we truly know what love means.

Leo Buscaglia

~~~

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her of it.

Keenan:  What on earth is she doin’ at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin’ for me to come home.

~~~

He told me: My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

~~~

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted By the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That Afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army Dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking For Herman for 51 years.

~~~

"Everybody is somebody because God has created us with unique skills and abilities."

"Too many folks fall into the shameful pattern of ranking people and judging some as nobodies."

Anonymous

~~~

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents."

"Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don’t want a divorce," she replied. "I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me."

~~~

What do people in China call their good plates?

~~~

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.

"Ohhh, it’s my girlfriend." he said.

"Oh yeah? What’s the problem?"

"When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said, "she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."

~~~

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back.

The rain falls soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Irish blessing

~~~

One of our neighbors is making interesting plans for the future. She says when her husband dies, she’s not going to have him buried.

I said, "What are you going to do?"

She said, "I’m going to have him stuffed and mounted and put on the living room couch. Then I’ll turn on the TV to a football game, talk to him and he won’t answer. It’ll be just like he never left."

~~~

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

~~~

She said: My husband seems to feel one should get their money’s worth on vacation. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to frolic every minute or not.  But once when I was sitting in a beach chair on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is costing us $300 a day – and you sit there reading a book!"

~~~

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.

Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.

~~~

She said: Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot. "NO! NO! NO!" she screamed. "Lizzie," her mother scolded, "That’s not polite behavior." At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"

~~~

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.

Mother Theresa

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Laugh!!!!

Since I will be away all day in meetings I had to send this blast from the past

 

 

First sent

November 12, 2004

 

To laugh often and much: To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived. This is to have succeeded.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

It still amazes me how on-target old Ralph still is. I was thinking the other day that we should not be angry with people who see us as we really are, rather than as we think we are. I think Emerson’s checklist would help us become who we would like to be:

  1. Laugh more
  2. Earn the respect of people and the affection of children
  3. Respond to honest criticism
  4. Endure others failings
  5. See the beauty around you
  6. Look for the best in everyone
  7. Consciously work to make the world a little better place

Do this and then move next to me, I would love to have you as my neighbor.

~~~

When you have a taste for exceptional people,

You always end up meeting them everywhere.

~ Mac Orlan ~

~~~

Wendy sent us this:

Hymns For Us in The Over "50" Crowd

1. " Just A ‘Slower’ Walk With Thee"

2. "It Is Well With My Soul", But My Knees Hurt

3. "Nobody Knows The Trouble I ‘Have’ Seeing"

4. "Precious Lord, Take My Hand", And Help Me Up

5. "Count Your Many ‘Birthdays’, Count Them One By One"

6. "Go Tell It On A Mountain", But Speak Up

7. "Give Me The Old ‘Timers’ Religion"

8. "Blessed ‘Insurance’"

9. "Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God", I’ve Forgotten Where I’ve Parked The Truck

GOD BLESS US ALL YOUNG AND OLD

~~~

"Happiness depends upon ourselves."

Aristotle (384 BC – 322 BC)

~~~

FIVE QUESTIONS MOST FEARED BY MEN

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I’ve seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question?

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Could you repeat the question?

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat").

~~~

You can’t change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.

~~~

It was the finish line of the Boston marathon. A first time runner is hobbling away, having just finished.

A grizzled old marathoner looks at him and says "You’ll feel a lot worse tomorrow."  He pauses and then says, "But the REALLY bad news is that in about 3 days, you’re going to think you had fun today!"

~~~

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

George Burns

~~~

A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"

"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.

"But where are the glaciers?"

"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."

~~~

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

~~~

As an act of charity, the wife of a local magistrate in a poor distrcit of London invited a little girl from the area to tea.

The girl sat down at the tea table, looked around, and then turned to her hostess. "I see you keep your house very clean," she said. "Cleanliness is next to godliness, you know."

The magistrate’s wife smiled at the girl and winked at her husband.

The little girl went on, "Is your husband working?"

"Of course he is!" said the lady. "Why do you ask such a strange question?"

The girl continued. "And are you both keeping off the drink?"

"Why, what an impertinent little girl you are!" cried the lady. "When you are invited to tea, you should try to behave like a lady, my child."

"Oh, but I am trying," replied the little girl. "When ladies visit our house, they always ask these questions."

~~~

I don’t mind that my grandson is earning more than I did on my first job.

What disturbs me is he’s just seven, and it’s his allowance!

~~~

When Bill’s wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Bill told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn’t worth living."

"Don’t be stupid, Bill," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, what do you do for a living?"

"I clean out septic tanks." Bill replied.

~~~

LIFE IS NOT A JOURNEY TO THE GRAVE WITH THE INTENTION OF ARRIVING SAFELY IN A PRETTY AND WELL PRESERVED BODY,

BUT RATHER, TO SKID IN BROADSIDE, THOROUGHLY USED UP, TOTALLY WORN OUT, LOUDLY PROCLAIMING : WOW!—WHAT A RIDE!"

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 

Ray Mitchell

ray@iquest.net

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you are already on the list and have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily, but would like to be added to our group please e-mail me and I will add you to the list . Currently there are about 300 of us from all over the world.

Let’s shake hands

The single clenched fist lifted and ready,

Or the open asking hand held out and waiting.

Choose:

For we meet by one or the other.

Carl Sandburg

 

 

How sad it is that so many of us miss the person who is at the end of the hand ready to be held. Either we drive them away with a fist held in anger or we wait forever for them to grab our hand and make contact. I had lunch with a friend today and we talked about all the wonderful people we have met, many who have become friends, and the interesting ways we first me them and in most cases it happened because we offered our hand.

 

In her case she recently lectured at a University about life choices and a student stopped her later to let her know how meaningful what she had said was to him. It happened because she reached out by her offering her wisdom to others. My new friend from China has some difficulty with English and is too shy to physically reach out yet she does so all the time by offering a flashing smile.

 

I often think that those who are always ready to reach out will find a way to do so and that they will reap the rewards that life has to offer us all. I know how fortunate I am that I have met so many truly special people who have added luster to my life. I know I appreciate how so many of you offered your hand to me, many only via the magic of electronics, others by our staying close and still other by the things we do together. But in all cases we connected and that began something more.

 

I never want to withhold my hand again for fear that I might miss someone who would enrich my life. If things go wrong I can live with that, but if things go wrong because I withheld my hand I would have trouble living with that.

~~~

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better.

It’s not.

Dr. Seuss

~~~

Bill: How do you like my poetry?

Phil: It could be worse!

Bill: That’s a heck of a thing to say!

Phil: Okay, okay — it couldn’t be worse!

~~~

She said: I’m so out of shape that whenever I go to the beach, all the men dress me with their eyes.

~~~

"Tips For Working Hard"

–from George Costanza & Kramer

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal email, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught – your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" – a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George Costanza of ‘Seinfeld’, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g.9:35pm, 7:05am, etc…) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed

8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc… You can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

* MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

~~~

Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made.

Otto von Bismarck

~~~

"Ahhhh, Sean," said Micheal McStain, "how’d ye be comin’ by that glorious black eye, me lad?"

Sean O’Malley shook his head and replied, "’Tis the damndest thing. I was over at Molly’s house, dancin’ with the lovely lass, when her father walked in."

"An’ old Master Callahan is thinkin’ that dancin’ is an evil thing, cured by a black eye, is that it?"

"Na, na, Micheal. The old man’s deaf, an’ couldn’t hear th’ music."

~~~

Knowing what’s right from wrong can be difficult, but here’s a foolproof way to tell.

If the thought "could I get caught" runs though your mind . . . its wrong!

~~~

She said: Working as a court reporter, I hear to a lot of testimony that you won’t hear on LAW AND ORDER, including the following give-and-take between the judge and a mother during a paternity suit.  

Judge: "Was the child born out of wedlock?"  

Mother: "No, sir, just outside of Louisville."  

~~~

Wherever a man turns he can find someone who needs him.

Albert Schweitzer

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

What did he say?

“The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.”

Richard Moss

 

 

I had the good fortune to hear an old acquaintance speak about luck at a meeting I attended this morning. He made many points about how we can improve our “luck.” His point that struck me the most was — pay attention and you might become lucky enough to recognize opportunity when you see it.

 

I could especially relate to how we are often so committed to what we want to say to someone that we look for the opportunity to interrupt and say what we want him to hear, too busy too even hear what is being said to us. While hopefully none of us drop out quite that far I would suspect too many of us are so concerned about our ability to impress or sell that we miss hearing something that would bring us together. Is it really luck that some find success more often than others or is it due in part to the winners paying attention? In my case I have found feeding back to the speaker my understanding of what they said does three things:

  1. The speaker can correct me if I got what was said wrong.
  2. If I often miss what is being said I can work to become more attentive.
  3. And probably most important of all when we agree on what was said we can move forward together to what might be unsaid otherwise.

 

Another of his points was to get out of our ruts. We can drive home via a different route on occasion, we can do things we have never done before and understand the value of keeping our mind open to alternatives. We will never break new ground if we never move out of our comfort zone. And I would add – don’t hibernate. Too many of us get so comfortable in the status quo that the world passes us by without our even noticing. When that happens, more often than not, we wonder why others are so much luckier than we are.

 

His last lesson was telling us not to get hung up on fairness. While we should always be fair we need to understand that the world often isn’t. Too many of us waste time complaining about our bad luck that was the result of being treated unfairly. We can spend time agonizing about it or even striking out, but while we are the “lucky” ones will have picked themselves up brushed themselves off and moved on. Bottom line, if you want to be lucky you can be, if you want an excuse for failure you can chalk it up to bad luck, but trust me few will lend a sympathetic ear.

~~~

“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”

Seneca

~~~

Andy Rooney’s tips for telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work !!

(1) The three little words are: "Hold On, Please…"

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear the phone company’s "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it’s time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:

When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope. Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before! the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

~~~

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

~~~

Speaking of luck, she said: I was shopping with my husband at a local supermarket and suddenly couldn’t find him. "I’ve lost my husband!" I muttered slightly louder than was necessary.

Then I heard a woman’s voice from the next aisle: "Some people have all the luck."

~~~

In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands

~~~

He said: A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog’s head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup’s head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn’t know they had to be baptized."

~~~

You know you’re growing older when … You begin to realize that your parents were right, after all!

~~~

I’m in a hurry today. I have to answer the email I got from Mrs. Moobooro Nambito, who is the wife of a prominent politician in some African country. She just so happens to need help funneling tens of millions of dollars that her husband gave her to hide–right before the populace tore him to shreds because he stole all their money and resources.  

Anyway, she needs help embezzling the funds to the States and is willing to pay handsomely anyone who lets her use their bank account. This is going to be the easiest money I ever made!  

~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~~~

The other day, I had to make a call to the telephone company. Something was wrong with my bill. I dialed the number listed, and was astonished. I got the strangest recording. It said, "You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial."

~~~

Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit.

R.E. Shay

~~~

When his eyes began to give him trouble, a man went to a Prague ophthalmologist. The doctor showed the patient the eye chart, displaying the letters CVKPNWXSCZ.  

"Can you read that?" the doctor asked.  

"Can I read it?" the Czech replied. "I dated his sister."  

~~~

Luck is when opportunity knocks and you answer.

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

You are today’s VIP

Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.

Josh Billings

 

 

Sleep, pain pills, sleep, and more sleep and now I am recovering fast from what the docs think may have been a pinched nerve. I don’t want you to think that just because my computer did the daily for me yesterday that my day was wasted. Besides moaning and groaning I did a little thinking and I am glad I did. Here is what I learned:

 

A few weeks ago I told the president of an organization that I belong to that I did not want to take on any responsibility where I was important. I have changed my mind I want to do important work I just do not want to take on anything were I am critical to the success of others. I am concerned that my frequent travels and occasional bouts of ill health make me an unreliable partner. What got me thinking about this was the presumption that there was anything I could do that would make me more important than anyone else. When you get down to it almost everything people do is important.

 

I know I would lose something if we were not friends and that makes you important to me. The lady who checked me out at the grocery store and bagged my groceries the other day did me an important service. Some of us concentrate so much on what we believe to be our own importance that we overlook just how important the work of others is to our well being.

 

One of the most important persons I know is my trash hauler, I would hate to have to collect my trash, load it in my car and drive it to a dump. I am fortunate that an efficient good man comes by once a week and does that for me. Some may think it is no big deal because if he didn’t do it someone else would, but the truth is they don’t do it, he does. And it is pretty presumptuous to believe that one person’s job is more important than another’s, just think what the world would be like if everyone stopped doing what they were doing. I am awe struck by the great thinkers of our time, but I am dependent on my druggist, mailman, the clerks who serve me and many others. If the truth be known they do a lot more for me than I do for them. And then of course there are the most important people, those we love and care about, they enrich our lives, can anyone be more important than they are? So, yes I want to be important, but important only because of what I do for others not because I am anything special.

~~~

The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place my touch will be felt.

Frederick Buechner

~~~

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"  

1st customer: "I’ll have tea."  

2nd customer: "Me, too.  And be sure the glass is clean!"  

(Waiter exits, returns)  

Waiter: Two teas.  "Which one asked for the clean glass?"  

~~~

If you think things improve with age you have never attended a class reunion.

~~~

A man, exiting a grocery store, was very surprised when a rather good-looking and perky young lady greeted him cheerfully by saying, "Good evening!" Her face was beaming. At least she was smiling until he gave her that "Who are you?" look. He couldn’t remember having ever seen her before.

Then, she obviously realized that a mistake had been made and apologized. She explained, "Oh, I’m so sorry. When I first saw you I thought you were the father of one of my children." She walked on her way into the store.

The man was left staring dumbfounded after her. More than a bit puzzled, he thought to himself, "What is the world coming to, an attractive woman who doesn’t even keep track of what the father of her children look like. "However, he was also a bit flattered that he might resemble one of her former suitors. But, also hoped that nobody overheard her saying that she mistook him for being the father of one of her children. A bit panicked, he then thought, "Could I possibly have forgotten a relationship?" "Could it be that I really fathered a child?"

Still stunned, he walked to his car.

He did not know, of course, that she was a fifth-grade teacher at a local elementary school.

~~~

"It was character that got us out of bed, commitment that moved us into action, and discipline that enabled us to follow through."

Zig Ziglar

~~~

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turned red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor turns around and faces the window and silently watches the horizon.

The mother becomes enraged and screams, "Doctor, would you please quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying *any* attention to me at all?"

"Yes, of course I’m paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that… the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they’d show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Umm, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She yells at the top of her lungs, "No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

At the top of his lungs, he responds, "What do you mean $200?"

~~~

Which of my enemies told you I was paranoid?

~~~

When my printer’s type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it’s my boss’s idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

~~~

If you want the last word in an argument, say, "You’re right."

~~~

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

~~~

I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the community, and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can.

George Bernard Shaw

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Oh, Oh – Ray’s away today.

Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.

Maurice Chevalier

 

 

MEMO: Ray is having some minor medical problems today so please excuse him for not writing a new daily. I have taken the liberty of sending you one he wrote a few years ago.

Sincerely,

Ray’s Computer

PS His problem appears to be orthopedic (old bones) but I would appreciate it if you would keep that to yourself, I would prefer he did not know I told you.

 

First published on

November 9, 2004

 

It was on this day in 1965 that New Yorkers rediscovered romance. It was the night that the Great Northeast Blackout began at the height of rush hour, delaying millions of commuters, trapping 800,000 people in New York’s subways, and stranding thousands more in office buildings, elevators, and trains. Altogether, 30 million people in eight U.S. states and the Canadian provinces of Ontario and Quebec were affected by the blackout. During the night, power was gradually restored to the blacked-out areas, and by morning power had been restored throughout the Northeast. Rumor has it that there were record births nine months later.

~~~

I am not sure that I need further reminders off just how fast time flies, but it is had to believe that 15 years ago today German citizens began to demolish the Berlin Wall, which had separated East Germany from West Germany since 1961.

It really hits home when the events of my childhood are looked on as ancient history by so many. Nostalgia has its place; I just prefer it when dates are not attached to some of my memories. The good thing for me is that I seem to have selective memory; I remember the good stuff but can’t remember the other stuff. My life could not possibly be that good.

~~~

The "good old times" — all times when old are good.

~ Lord Byron ~

~~~

It’s the Law!

In Oblong, Illinois, it’s punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn’t allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you — or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown — if they’re nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you’re safe from the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it’s illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

It’s safe to make love while parked in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren’t allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can’t dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it’s legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

Women aren’t allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio — a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn’t!"

~~~

No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave.

Calvin Coolidge

~~~

Three blondes had just bought a can of Pepsi One and were anxious to try it for the first time.

So the first blonde opened the can and then the second blonde poured it into three glasses.

The third blonde eyed the three glasses suspiciously and said, "I wonder which one has the calorie?"

~~~

"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."

~~  Mother Teresa of Calcutta  ~~

~~~

Ways to Deal With Stress

When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.

Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.

Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.

Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.

Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.

~~~

You never get tired if you rest a lot in advance.

~~~

Soon after marriage, Terri’s  husband, Colby stopped wearing his wedding ring.  Terri asked, "Why don’t you ever wear your wedding band?"

Colby replied, "It cuts off my circulation."

Terri answered back, "It’s supposed to!"

~~~

Could it be that the people who have nothing to say are the ones we should listen to?

~~~

Laws Of Slow People

1. Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don’t know each other.

2. They drive side by side, too.  If they can’t find another slow driver to pair up with, they drive in the fast lane.

3. Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they never look in their rearview mirrors, either.

4. Slow people drift sideways, so they will block the path of anyone trying to pass them. If two people, or vehicles, are trying to get around the slow people at the same time,  the slow people drift into the path of the one who is moving  at the highest speed.

5. Follow behind a slow person in the grocery store and you’ll wind up with soggy ice cream every time.

~~~

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

~~~

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey…."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn’t fit, you must ! acquit!"

10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there??????"

~~~

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

~~~

I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy.  Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn’t speak.  The nurse patted my hand and said, "Don’t worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it’s not a dangerous procedure."

"You’re right. I’m being silly," I said, "Please continue."

"Good," the nurse went on, "Now, do you have a living will?"

~~~

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

 Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

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