Ray's musings and humor

Archive for October, 2006

It was close but I got it done on time!

“Just tell yourself, Duckie, you’re really quite lucky!”

Dr. Seuss

 

 

The other day I found myself in the middle of an on-line e-mail debate on a chain message that we all had received from someone we had in common. It was from someone who regularly visits my webpage at Yahoo (http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp) but whom I have yet to meet. I know the author of the original message loved me even though we are strangers because of the message content. I don’t remember what it said exactly but it was something like we really were friends and how much we meant to each other and if I sent the message on to others I would have fantastic luck but if I did not send it out to at least six other people my life as I know it would end forever. Failure would mean that my children and their children would be cursed evermore and that they would never forgive me.

 

Now of course I was gratified that someone I had only met via e-mail would care for me so much. My problem was meeting the requirement to send it on within the allotted time. I try to check e-mail messages every half-hour or so in case there is a similar message that gives me but a short amount of time to chose between a life of wealth and happiness or one of poverty and degradation. Obviously the other hundred or so people that had received the same message were equally challenged for all hell broke lose. Everybody copied everyone else who was on the original distribution with most respondents sharing their view of the kindness that the author had shown them. In general they questioned the original author’s parentage, said that they were not happy with the implied threat and how the author could stick the message somewhere, I think they said were to sun won’t shine.

 

As I am sure you would suspect I did not stand mute, I wrote:

With all the messages I had received I was beginning to think I was getting popular. The way I feel is that I don’t need chain affirmations. People can take me or leave me as they wish. I hope I earn their friendship but if I don’t it is OK. I write my blog 5 days a week so it will be there for people who chose to read it, if they prefer not to, then they just don’t come back. I am never sure if that is a sign of their good taste or failure to recognize brilliance.

Love to all,

Ray

 

Naturally wanting to protect my family I will continue to look for the e-mails people send me that wish me well but require me to take action. But I am kind of hoping that if I miss one and you do not hear from me this little disclaimer will allow you to forgive me. There is one requirement however you have only three hours in which not to send this to at least three people and let me warn you if you fail to not send it absolutely nothing will change, and that is guarantied.

~~~

Good luck befriend thee, Son; for at thy birth The fairy ladies danced upon the hearth.

John Milton

~~~

PETER MARSHALL’S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES".

Q. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start a family, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?

A. Paul Lynde: "He’s out of town."

Q. What are "dual’purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren’t?

A. Paul Lynde: "They give milk…and cookies, but I don’t recommend the cookies."

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: "Who told you about my elephant?"

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: "His feet."

Q. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?

A. Paul Lynde: "An engagement ring."

Q. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?

A. Charley Weaver: "Not drinking."

~~~

There are two kinds of people, those who do the work and those who take the credit.

Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there.

Indira Gandhi

~~~

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor, noticing that the previous bill hadn’t been paid, instructed the collections manager to contact the customer.

The collections manager made the call and left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call from the customer who said, "Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long."

~~~

"We have a new recipe for an exotic gourmet dinner. First, take two credit cards…"

Bessie and Beulah

~~~

Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand.  I wasn’t surprised when a friend of my daughter showed me a Japanese symbol on her hip. 

"Please don’t tell my parents," she begged.

"I won’t," I promised.  "By the way, what does that stand for?"

She replied, "Honesty."

~~~

She said: My 20th high school class reunion was held at a hotel on the same night that another school’s 10th-year reunion was taking place.  

While my girl friends and I were in the rest room talking, some unfamiliar women entered. After their stares became uncomfortable, we turned toward them. One of the women said, "Don’t mind us. We just wanted to see how we’d look in another 10 years."  

~~~

Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.

Henrichs

~~~

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies, "Son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."  

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds. He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl, "Do you like potato pancakes?"  

She says, "No." And the silence returns.  

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.  

He asks, "Do you have a brother?"  

Again, the girl says, "No." And there is silence once again.  

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"  

~~~

"I think that’s how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’"

Richard Jeni

~~~

“May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light.

May good luck pursue you each morning and night.”

Irish Blessing

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

She got me good!

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”

Bill Cosby

 

 

I don’t know why but for some reason I woke up very early this morning and started to think about how uncomfortable I am when others are embarrassed, do something dumb, or stumble and how funny it is when I do the very same things. In fact some of my most embarrassing moments are my funniest memories.

 

My all time favorite “get Ray” event took place many years ago. I was home alone on a Saturday and I got a call from a phone company solicitor. She asked if I had heard about their brand new offerings. I said I had and to impress her went on to say they are Call Waiting, Call Forwarding and Three way calling. She complimented me on being so up on the times and excitedly told me that I was very fortunate for she was offering the complete package for one low price and that they would even waive the set-up costs. I thanked her profusely and said I was sorry but I could not see how I could use them. I told her she was the first person who had called me in months so call waiting would not help me. I went on to tell her that since I never go anywhere I wouldn’t have any place to forward my calls. I finished by letting her know I had no friends so I would only be able to use three way calling with strangers and they might not like that. So of course that ended the call, leaving me feeling pretty good that I had made her turn down so interesting.

 

That is I felt good about it up until a few weeks later. Again on a Saturday, again home alone, and again the phone rang. The caller told me she was the gal who had called for the phone company two weeks earlier. She went on to tell me that she had some news for me. Of course at this point I am starting to get uncomfortable but the worst was yet to come. She said, “Mr. Mitchell I told my coworkers about you and how you had no friends and seldom went out and they felt so bad about it that they all chipped in and bought you a membership in a friendship club.” To say the least I am now squirming and it took all my willpower not to pee in my pants. I hemmed and hawed, muttered something about moving to Alaska or some such excuse. She expressed disappointment that I was not ready for the club but she understood and said she would have a lady from the club stop by my house to tell me more.

 

I don’t remember how I was able to get off the phone, but I do remember I was in shock and wondering what my wife was going to think when she found out I had run away to Alaska. Fortunately I was let off the hook. It turns out that the caller was a sorority sister of my oldest daughter who I had often kidded in the past. She paid me back big time and got me good. And after the dust settled I realized how funny it all was and what a great job she had done.

 

Since that time I have learned that the best way to handle the dumb things I do is just to laugh at myself and move on. But nothing will ever be as good as when my daughter’s friend Vicky made sure that I don’t take myself too seriously.

~~~

Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.

Erma Bombeck:

~~~

Flying Rules

No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.

If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

The crying baby on board is always seated next to you.

The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you.

The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

~~~

I must have told you a zillion times, don’t exaggerate!

~~~

I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.

~~~

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you. If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don’t you think it’s worth the extra effort?  

~~~

Office rules

If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

The more you put up with, the more you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

~~~

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so?

There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

Drew Carey

~~~

A Rabbi waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front Of the service station.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant Pump. "Rabbi" said the young man, "sorry about the Delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The rabbi chuckled, "I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business."

~~~

A man should never be ashamed to own he has been wrong, which is but saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.

Alexander Pope

~~~

A husband and wife were arguing about an investment the husband wanted to make. In the midst of the argument, he pointed out that men had better judgment than women. "Well, I guess you’re right about that," replied the wife. "You asked me to marry you and then I said yes!"

~~~

And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.

And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.

Friedrich Nietzsche

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

How about a tropical New Year?

"Once you have traveled, the voyage never ends, but is played out over and over again in the quietest chambers.

The mind can never break off from the journey."

Pat Conroy

 

 

When I got up this morning it was to below freezing temperatures. As the first frigid blasts always do, it started me thinking about the passing of summer and the impending winter season. I reminded myself that I did make some progress this summer, I uncovered my BBQ grill, cleaned it, and used it once. That is one more time than I did last year. I am probably the only guy in town who has a three year old grill that has been used maybe four times.

 

But all in all I thought the last few months have been great, I feel good, have plenty to do, and am lucky enough to be able to spend lots of time with some interesting people. Fortunately I also love autumn, in fact today motivated us to move out our summer clothes and moved in the warmer stuff. So brisk weather, comfortable sweaters, and the food of fall lay ahead, and I am ready.

We do have an escape valve this year that will break up the cold months. We are off on a cruise starting on New Year’s eve. We use to cruise on New Year’s and always enjoyed the midnight celebration at sea but we have done something else these last few years and planned to do so again this year when our cruise agent temptress, Robin offered us a super cruise at a great price. It only took us about an hour to decide to go.

 

When the clock strikes midnight welcoming in 2007 we will be at sea on the RCCL Mariner, wearing funny hats, drinking champagne while we watch our fellow passengers celebrate. New Years day we will sail on to visit Haiti, Jamaica, Grand Cayman, and Mexico and we’ll do all that in just a week. A couple who has sailed with us before have decided to join us, they couldn’t pass up the deal. If you are interested I can always see if Robin can work some more of her magic so you can be there too.

 

So as the winds blow, and the temperatures plummet we will be getting pampered, fed, and entertained while we bask in the tropical sun. Remember those summer clothes that I put in hibernation today? Some of them are only being stored temporarily just awaiting the opportunity to cruise with me in January. By the way if you can’t go with us you can at least wave as we sail away.

~~~

I long for the solitude of a sunset at sea, and the chill of the breeze coming in with the eve. For the motion of my boat, as she swings on her rode, and the beauty of the stars, in the evenings last glow.

R.C. Gibbons

~~~

All I really need to know about Life, I learned from Noah’s Ark:

1. Don’t miss the boat.

2. Don’t forget we’re all in the same boat.

3. Plan ahead-it wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.

4. Stay fit-when you’re 600 years old someone might ask you to do something really big.

5. Don’t listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.

6. For safety’s sake travel in pairs.

7. Two heads are better than one.

8. Build your future on high ground.

9. Speed isn’t always an advantage, after all, the snails were on the same ark with the cheetahs.

10. When you’re stressed, float awhile.

11. Remember the ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic was built by professionals.

12. Remember that the woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than the storm outside.

~~~

"A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling."

Arthur Brisbane

~~~

An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at one notation. "I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn’t realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn’t offend anyone." He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "short of breath" and not what he thought.

~~~

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

~~~

SIX stages of married life:

1: Tri-weekly

2: Try weekly

3: Try weakly

4. Try oysters

5: Try anything

6: Try to remember

~~~

I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Carl Sandburg

~~~

Little Johnny’s teacher was having trouble with him disrupting the class by always telling lies and making up stories. So she went to the principal about this and he told her the next time this happened to send little Johnny to his office. Sure enough here came little Johnny and the principal was ready to teach him a lesson.

He told Johnny to take a seat, he wanted to tell him a story. He said, "Johnny, the other day I decided to go duck hunting but I only had two shots. So, I fired my first shot and killed two ducks. They were falling out of the sky and fell into a tree, where they hit four squirrels and killed them. So, the two ducks and four squirrels came falling to the ground where they hit two rabbits and killed them. Just as I was going to gather up my animals, a bear came out and started to get them.

"Then the weirdest thing happened. A little dog showed up out of nowhere and attacked the bear, so I was able to get all the animals I had killed. Now, little Johnny, you believe that story don’t you?"

Little Johnny said, "Sure I do. That was my dog and that’s the third bear he’s got this year!"

~~~

Happiness: The result of being too busy to be miserable.

~~~

A doctor examined a woman and took her husband aside. "I don’t want to alarm you," he said, "but I don’t like the way your wife looks at all."

"Me neither, Doc." said the husband. "But she’s a great cook and real good with the kids."

~~~

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God…. I could be eating a slow learner."

Lynda Montgomery

~~~

A high-school geometry teacher, started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. "If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles." He noticed that one student wasn’t taking notes and asked him why.

"Well," he replied sincerely, "I’m waiting until you start speaking English."

~~~

My favorite thing is to go where I have never gone.

Diane Arbus

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

What do you think?

“Wonder is the beginning of wisdom”

Greek proverb

 

As some of you know I always carry a little notebook with me, and no it is not just to jot down all those things that I seem to forget these days. More often it is where I write down something that I want to think about later.

 

Since I am getting behind in my thinking I thought I might share some of my list with you in case you have the inclination to ponder them as well. Here are a few:

– I wonder if loss of community, changes in family life, and a more self-centered life style has turned many in society inward and away from participation in the society.

– I wonder if our entanglements in Iraq have greatly reduced the size of our stick and instead of “speaking softly and carrying a big stick,” as advocated by Teddy Roosevelt, we now speak loudly and carry a little stick.

– I wonder if the problems we face are so overwhelming that we find someone to follow and then follow them no matter where they take us.

– I wonder if we are as superior as we seem to think we are and if our perceived superiority results in our feeling no need to examine the possible negative consequences of our actions.

– I wonder if we are prepared to gracefully handle the emergence of other global powers.

– I wonder if we have focused so much on a college degree being the key to employment and earning power that the system start to emphasize vocational education versus personal knowledge and development resulting in diminished appreciation of philosophy, art, and culture.

– I wonder if we are so busy entertaining ourselves that we have no time to invest in our communities.

– I wonder if reduced pensions, higher medical costs, social security reductions, and other changes will result in a return to dependency on our children to care for us as we age.

– I wonder if too many of us have become so isolated in our own little worlds that we no longer can see what we have in common and how to reach out to each other.

 

There are a lot more things to wonder about in my little notebooks but enough is enough for now. Some may think that we have no responsibility to ponder the questions, but if you truly believe in democracy then you know that the system depends on the wisdom of the electorate. If we are to do the right thing we can either abstain from the process or invest in gaining the necessary knowledge, or we can vote without knowledge and risk drowning out the voices of the wise.

I don’t have the answers but I do feel the need to try to find what they are. If we all walk away from our responsibilities I fear we will get what we deserve.

~~~

“We pass the word around; we ponder how the case is put by different people, we read the poetry; we meditate over the literature; we play the music; we change our minds; we reach an understanding. Society evolves this way.”

Lewis Thomas

~~~

The Positive Side of Life

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.  

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.  

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.  

Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.  

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?  

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?  

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.  

Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.  

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors….but they all exist very nicely in the same box.  

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.  

~~~

Some people will grow up and spread cheer, others just grow up and spread.

~~~

Sadie was divorcing her husband Moshe. After two months of waiting, her case was finally being heard in Court.

The judge asked Sadie, "So how old are you?"

"I’m 40 years old, your Honor."

The judge replied, "Please answer my question honestly. How old are you?"

"I’m 40 years old, your Honor," answered Sadie again.

"Well," said the judge, "you’re not being truthful. It’s written down here that you were born in August 1940 and that means you’re over 60."

"But your Honor," replied Sadie, "I’m not counting the last 20 years with my husband."

"Why not?" asked the judge.

"You call that living?" replied Sadie.

~~~

THINK –it gives you something to do while the computer is down.

~~~

She said: Our dog, Longie, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a.m. Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise placid animal. For three days he found nothing amiss.

Then the dog woke up the neighborhood at 3 a.m. with frantic barking. When Larry looked out the window, he discovered someone throwing pebbles to land near Longie.

Larry hurried outside and found the culprit. Crouching on the other side of the fence was our quiet neighbor, the last man you’d suspect of wrongdoing.

My husband demanded to know what he was doing.

"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor explained. "If she loses her beauty sleep another night, she says she’ll leave."

~~~

My Dog Can Lick Anyone

~~~

Ducking into confession with a pig in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this pig to feed my family.  Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence.  When he walked into the backyard, he found that someone had stolen his pig.

~~~

Humility does not mean you think less of yourself. It means you think of yourself less.

Ken Blanchard

~~~

Car accidents are not always easy to explain, as evidenced by the following insurance form statements written and submitted by the unlucky drivers themselves:

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

I thought my window was down, but I found out that it was up when I put my head through it.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

~~~

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

~~~

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven’t."

The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

~~~

If you are not a part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

John F Kennedy

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

No! No! Let’s go this way!

Don’t set sail on someone else’s star.

African Proverb

 

 

Yesterday I said that I thought society can benefit from the wisdom of seniors. I still think that is true at least in some cases. My problem is conventional wisdom. What makes wisdom conventional, it is not necessarily because it’s true, but rather because so may people accept it as true. In this day and age I worry that wisdom becomes conventional more by how it is sold than by its ability to stand the test of verification. Too many fall into the trap of believing that if everyone says it then it must be true, others are trapped by believing that whatever they read or see on television must be true otherwise they couldn’t say it.

 

The more I thought about wisdom the more I realized that what we need is more unconventional wisdom. If you think about it almost all that is great has come from unconventional thinkers, Socrates, Buddha, Christ, Copernicus, Einstein, and thousands more were people who rose above conventional wisdom. If everyone is running in one direction and we follow there is no chance that we are ever going to see what is in a different direction.

 

It is we seniors who are the freest to rise above conventional wisdom. Our jobs are not at stake, we don’t have anyone to impress but ourselves, and we have the time to learn and think if we chose to. Unfortunately too many of us feel we have learned it all, we have shut down our minds and put them on permanent vacation. We rationalize our dropping out by accepting that old adage, “you can’t teach old dog’s new tricks”. Boy is that untrue, just look at the Noble Prize winners, some of the greatest thinkers and statesmen of our time have been older than we are now. What would the world have been like if they had shut down and just gone with the flow and followed those whose journey was one of following conventional wisdom.

 

We don’t have to listen to those who say “We have always done it this way,” or “We tried that once and it didn’t work.” I would much rather spend my time with those that say “Sure, why not,” than those that tell me why not. So come on one and all lets go the other way once in awhile, for if the world ever needed unconventional wisdom they need it now.

~~~

"If mankind minus one were of one opinion, then mankind is no more justified in silencing the one than the one – if he had the power – would be justified in silencing mankind."

John Stuart Mill

~~~

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone. "Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn’t have?" "It wasn’t a boy," came the reply.

~~~

"Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see."

Arthur Schopenhauer

~~~

Jack needed to get some trees cut down on his ranch property out in Durango. He had an injury to his shoulder so he had to hire a someone for the job. One of the college students answered his ad and after the guy claimed that he knew his way around a ranch, Jack gave him the work and money to go into town and get a new saw with instructions to get the wood cut before winter set in. The hired hand goes to a dealer’s shop and asks about various makes and models of chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day." So the lad takes the advice an the chainsaw back to the ranch and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and cutting only two cords, he decides to quit. He’s convinced there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the guy asks himself. He tells Jack, "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day."

The next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. The guy is convinced he’s bought a bad saw and tells Jack he is going to return it to the dealer. He complains to the dealer, "You told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, without a problem." The dealer, baffled by the man’s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case, an says, "Hmm, it looks OK ?." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, and the man jumps, and exclaims, "What the hell was that noise?"

~~~

Millions who long for immortality don’t know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

~~~

Two old cronies met in the street after not seeing each other for more than twenty years because the Diamonds had moved from the lower East Side. They shook hands warmly and began to inquire about each other’s families. Diamond said, "Jacobson, I’m very proud to tell you both my boys are a great success. Dick is a doctor with a beautiful office, does very well and lives on Sutton Place. My Marion is a lawyer, a regular Clarence Darrow, and makes $50,000 a year after taxes. All my friends should do so well! And how about your son? What is he doing?" Jacobson answered, "My boy, Norman, is a rabbi." "A rabbi? What kind of work is that for a Jewish boy!"

~~~

A man is not old until his regrets take the place of his dreams.

Yiddish Proverb

~~~

A wealthy, local businessman, noted for his frugal financial habits choked on a fish bone at our seafood restaurant on Fisherman’s Pier. He was fortunate that one of the town’s doctors was enjoying a quick lunch with a voluptuous nurse at a nearby table. Springing unsolicited into action at the first sound of trouble, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved the guy’s life. When the businessman had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," the doc smiled, and continued, "How about half of what you would have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?

~~~

Wear sleeveless shirts! Support your right to bare arms!

~~~

"Great TIPS"

  • Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
  • High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
  • Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.
  • X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’.
  • Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have he oven serviced.
  • A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

~~~

Just One

 

One song can spark a moment,

One flower can wake the dream.

One tree can start a forest,

One bird can herald spring.

One smile begins a friendship,

One handclasp lifts a soul.

One star can guide a ship at sea,

One word can frame the goal

One vote can change a nation,

One sunbeam lights a room

One candle wipes out darkness,

One laugh will conquer gloom.

One step must start each journey.

One word must start each prayer.

One hope will raise our spirits,

One touch can show you care.

One voice can speak with wisdom,

One heart can know what’s true,

One life can make a difference,

You see, it’s up to you!

 

By Author Unknown

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

I am too young to be old!

Age is only a number, a cipher for the records. A man can’t retire his experience.

He must use it. Experience achieves more with less energy and time.

Bernard Baruch

 

 

Lately I have wondered if I am a member of a lost generation. I get inundated with surveys and many say they are looking for someone with a different profile which is probably code for the fact they think I am too old. Too some extent it may be what our generation deserves since so many center their activities on themselves. Some seem to be willing to hit the streets to get as many benefits they can for themselves but will not support efforts to finance the education of today’s children even though they will be the ones taking care of us in the future.

 

I am fortunate enough to spend time with some really smart and interested seniors and to some extent I think they stay smart by taking a strong interest in what is going on around them. Unfortunately too many stay home and stagnate, maybe because they don’t know what’s out there and just how much their wisdom is needed. In my case I have found that there are so many things to learn and do that I have seldom been busier or had more opportunity to do something worthwhile.

I know we talk about it often but it is worth remembering, life is to be lived and it only slows down when we let it. In point of fact many of us find the golden years to be the most productive period of our lives. Unfortunately too often we are also lonely because too many our age stay home.

 

I was quoted in the newspaper recently saying that I am like Bernard Baruch when he said “To me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am,” I think he was in his 90s when he said it. So I have decided that since I have yet to reach old age I must be part of the young generation and since we are all in it together we better get on with building a better society together. We’ll live the park benches to the really old.

~~~

During my eighty-seven years I have witnessed a whole succession of technological revolutions. But none of them has done away with the need for character in the individual or the ability to think.

Bernard Baruch

~~~

The Father, passing through the son’s college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.

Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window.

"Whattya want?"

"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.

"Yeah!” replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and we’ll take care of him in the morning."

~~~

Here’s a new invention — a solar-powered clothes dryer. It’s called a clothes line.

~~~

~~~

"Actual Excerpts From Student Science Exam Papers"

1. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

2. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

3. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

4. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

5. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

6. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

7. Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you’re talking about.

8. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

9. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

10. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

11. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

12. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

13. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

14. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

15. When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

16. It is a well-known fact that a deceased mind harms the body. (Just look around at some co-workers and you’ll find proof!–Aiken)

17. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

18. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

~~~

Some people drink at the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.

~~~

David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.

At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I’ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

~~~

"Conflict cannot survive without your participation."

Wayne Dyer

~~~

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old

"Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you….If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old

"It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old

~~~

Jim:  So your blind date had measurements of 39-23-35?

Jeff:  That’s right.  It’s just too bad they weren’t in that order.

~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament bible story.  As she moved around the class, she saw many wonderful drawings being created.

Then she came to Little Pauly, who had drawn a bearded old man driving an old car.  In the back seat were two passengers, both naked.  The teacher said, "It’s an interesting picture, Pauly, but which Bible story does it tell?"

Little Pauly seemed surprised at the question and said, "Well, it says in the bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury. And THAT is a ’59 Plymouth Fury just like grampa’s! "

~~~

Only as you do know yourself can your brain serve you as a sharp and efficient tool.

Know your own failings, passions, and prejudices so you can separate them from what you see.

Bernard Baruch

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

I think I’ll go the other way!

“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 

I was with a friend today who said he had decided that he had wasted too much of his life blindly following others. What he said reminded me of what Earl Nightingale wrote many years ago. It still has meaning today.

Don’t Follow the Follower

Processionary caterpillars travel in long, undulating lines, one creature behind the other. Jean Hanri Fabre, the French entomologist, once lead a group of these caterpillars onto the rim of a large flowerpot so that the leader of the procession found himself nose to tail with the last caterpillar in the procession, forming a circle without end or beginning.

Through sheer force of habit and, of course, instinct, the ring of caterpillars circled the flowerpot for seven days and seven nights, until they died from exhaustion and starvation. An ample supply of food was close at hand and plainly visible, but it was outside the range of the circle, so the caterpillars continued along the beaten path.

People often behave in a similar way. Habit patterns and ways of thinking become deeply established, and it seems easier and more comforting to follow them than to cope with change, even when that change may represent freedom, achievement, and success. If someone shouts, “Fire!” it is automatic to blindly follow the crowd, and many thousands have needlessly died because of it. How many stop to ask themselves: Is this really the best way out of here?

So many people “miss the boat” because it’s easier and more comforting to follow — to follow without questioning the qualifications of the people just ahead — than to do some independent thinking and checking.

A hard thing for most people to fully understand is that people in such numbers can be so wrong, like the caterpillars going around and around the edge of the flowerpot, with life and food just a short distance away. If most people are living that way, it must be right, they think. But a little checking will reveal that throughout all recorded history the majority of mankind has an unbroken record of being wrong about most things, especially important things. For a time we thought the earth was flat and later we thought the sun, stars, and planets traveled around the Earth. Both ideas are now considered ridiculous, but at the time they were believed and defended by the vast majority of followers. In the hindsight of history we must have looked like those caterpillars blindly following the follower out of habit rather than stepping out of line to look for the truth.

It’s difficult for people to come to the understanding that only a small minority of people ever really get the word about life, about living abundantly and successfully. Success in the important departments of life seldom comes naturally, no more naturally than success at anything — a musical instrument, sports, fly-fishing, tennis, golf, business, marriage, parenthood.

~~~

“The wisest men follow their own direction”

Euripides

~~~

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds.

He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

~~~

If the computer is so smart, how come it gets blamed for our mistakes?

~~~

Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that he was overshadowed by her and henpecked. Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off. One day, one of his fiends asked the tiresome question AGAIN, "Who wears the pants in your family?"

"I do," replied Doug.  Then, after a pause, he added, "I also wash and iron them."

~~~

"The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents."

Nathaniel Borenstein

~~~

What Exactly Is Marriage?

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don’t have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old

"When somebody’s been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, ‘I’ll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.’ Then she says yes, but she’s wondering what the thing is and whether it’s naughty or not. She can’t wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry? "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind….That’s what I’ll do….I’ll find somebody who’s kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old

~~~

Action is the antidote for despair.

Joan Baez

~~~

She said: As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast-feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them."

~~~

For fast acting relief; try slowing down.

Lily Tomlin

~~~

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’ The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history…."

~~~

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

~~~

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills.

They were sitting on the verandah one summer evening, watching the sun set.

The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it’s these pesky wicker chairs."

~~~

"You must have courage to bet on your ideals, to take calculated risk, and act.

Everyday living requires courage if life is to be effective and bring happiness."

Maxwell Maltz

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

I really do appreciate what you say!

“No one is as deaf as the man who will not listen.”

Jewish Proverb

 

This morning I attended a lecture on speech. The presenter was an expert on the subject and went to some length educating us on the physiology of speech. We learned about all the body functions that go into mouthing words. That was all well and good, but I learned more than I needed to know.

To me speech is like the proverbial tree in the forest where we are asked if a tree fell and no one was listening would it make a sound. Using the physiology of speech, you know modulating air so vibrations are sent out, then the tree makes a sound. But if you use my definition that speech is a communication link that only is closed when it is heard, then the tree does not.

As I thought about it I began to realize how much speech has changed over the centuries, and to a large extent I think it has changed as much by the medium that transmits it as by the words themselves. As an example you write a book and it is edited, in effect your words are modified in the final product. Today there are thousands of different mediums many capable of modifying our thoughts. The internet, electronic media in all its forms, newspapers, and word of mouth are all medium in which our ideas in the form of speech can be transmitted. The big difference is that the listener now controls the medium in which thoughts are transmitted and too often their choices filter out speech that might have been of value to them.

I think it behooves us to listen intently to the speech around us and to work to make sure that we have the opportunity to balance ideas through the diversity of what we hear. Like the tree in the forest, an important idea that is not heard will just wither and die. It might not always be easy since there is so much speech going on at once, but if we listen hard enough in as many places as possible there is a good chance that we will learn something that will help us make a difference.

~~~

“A good listener tries to understand what the other person is saying. In the end he may disagree sharply, but because he disagrees, he wants to know exactly what it is he is disagreeing with.”

Kenneth A. Wells

~~~

Murphy’s Technology Law #1:

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy’s Technology Law #2:

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy’s Technology Law #3:

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy’s Technology Law #4:

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy’s Technology Law #5:

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Murphy’s Technology Law #6:

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he’ll have to touch to be sure.

Murphy’s Technology Law #7:

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy’s Technology Law #8:

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy’s Technology Law #9:

All’s well that ends . . . period.

Murphy’s Technology Law #10:

A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Murphy’s Technology Law #11:

The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy’s Technology Law #12:

A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy’s Technology Law #13:

New systems generate new problems.

Murphy’s Technology Law #14:

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Murphy’s Technology Law #15:

We don’t know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

Murphy’s Technology Law #16:

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy’s Technology Law #17:

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

~~~

Sign in appliance store: 6-month supply of socks with each washer-drier.

~~~

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no "I" in the word ‘marriage.’"’

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling."

~~~

The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running.

~~~

My boss’ wife Sherry was exasperated with her younger sister, who bought an unreliable car and called for a ride every time it broke down. One day Sherry got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" she asked.

"My brakes went out," her sister said.

"Can you come to get me?"

"Where are you?" Sherry asked. "I’m in the drugstore," her sister responded. "And where’s the car?"

"It’s in here with me."

~~~

Always listen to the experts. They’ll tell you what can’t be done and why. Then do it.

Robert Heinlein

~~~

She said: Everybody’s a comedian. I called my local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice. "I know the Sheetrock is nailed to the studs," I said to the guy who answered the phone, "but how do I find the studs?"  

"Put an ad in the personals column." he suggested. 

~~~

The real test of friendship is: can you literally do nothing with the other person?

Can you enjoy those moments of life that are utterly simple?

Eugene Kennedy

~~~

A primer for any couple should be the book MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS. It explains that men and women are from different planets. For example: women like to verbalize their feelings on relationships. It’s difficult for a man to even admit he’s in a relationship.

~~~

"Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot."

Ellen DeGeneres

~~~

“Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.”

Sue Patton Thoele

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Celebrate October with me?

“Celebrate the happiness that friends are always giving,

Make every day a holiday and celebrate just living!”

Amanda Bradley

 

I’m sorry, here it is the second of October and I am just now sharing the significant activities that we are offered this month here in the U.S. Since I just got the information I hope you will forgive me and consider participating as you plan the rest of your month.

It is:

Auto Battery Safety Month – Keep your battery safe, hire a battery guard.

Computer Learning Month – It is nice to know that we can stay computer illiterate the rest of the year.

Ending Hunger Month – I have lost 16 pounds on my current diet, does this mean I can stop dieting?

Energy Management Is a Family Affair Time – Conserve energy, quit exercising

Gourmet Adventures Month – Join me for Cherries Jubilee in the Amazon?

Lock in Safety Month – and don’t let it out until spring!

National Arts and Humanities Month – The world could use more art and more humanity right now, I hope you will participate.

National Car Care Month – Hug your auto today!

National Communicate with Your Kid Month – This is worth doing if you can find them and they’ll talk to you.

National Family Sexuality Education Month – I may be old fashioned but I think there are something’s that just should not be done as a family!

National High-Tech Month – Damn, I missed low-tech month

National Kitchen and Bath Month – My wife does not cook so I am in the kitchen 12 months a year and I am at the age where I use the bathroom 24/7.

National Sarcastics’ Awareness Month – Does this mean I have to try and figure out if you are serious or not?

National UNICEF Month – Please contribute to Trick-or-Treat for UNICEF when you see kids with the orange boxes, your help is needed.

Just think how lucky we are, there are so many others that will just lay around all month not knowing that there is so much they could do, we are so fortunate!

~~~

“Share our similarities, celebrate our differences.”

M. Scott Peck

~~~

Contemporary Latin Phrases

"Domino vobiscum."

(The pizza guy is here.)

"Sharpei diem."

(Seize the wrinkled dog.)

"Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus."

(Remove foil before microwaving.)

"Il guyus nissanem iste ickye."

(That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.)

"Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum."

(Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)

"Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum."

(A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.)

"Motorolus interruptus."

(Hold on, I’m going into a tunnel.)

"Revelare Pecunia!"

(Show Me The Money!)

"Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat."

(Yeah, where DO I want to go today??)

"No Quid Pro Quo."

(I’m Sorry, We’re All Out of Quid.)

"Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus."

(It’s Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)

"Veni, Vidi, Velcro"

(I came; I saw; I stuck around.)

~~~

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself.

Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

~~~

Guards escorted a handcuffed prisoner into the courtroom where I stood as the court deputy. "Is this a tough judge?" the prisoner asked the baliff.

The baliff replied, "A tough but fair judge."

"Yeah?" continued the prisoner. "How tough?"

"The toughest judge since Pontius Pilate," the baliff replied.

The prisoner answered, "I don’t know him. I’m not from around here."

~~~

Use the talents you possess, for the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except the best.

Henry Van Dyke

~~~

She said: I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly-assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter that escorts all cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges in California’s Bay Area. But what my father told his friend was, "She’s involved in some sort of escort service."

~~~

A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words:

"You’re what?!?"

~~~

Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather’s violin. "Old fiddles aren’t worth much, I’m afraid," he explained.  

"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.  

"If you’re buying it from me, it’s a violin. If I’m buying it from you, it’s a fiddle."  

~~~

Nadine:  They now say overeating is as unhealthy as smoking.

Jill:  Yes, but no one ever died from second hand obesity.

~~~

Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.

"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower."

My brother smiled and said, "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."

~~~

"There’s an old saying – There’s No Place Like Home. Well, I went in the house next door, and it was very, very similar."

Geoffrey Parfitt

~~~

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.  

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."  

So, I tied her up and went golfing.  

~~~

Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.

James Dean

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Do all you can with what you have,

Do all you can with what you have,

in the time you have, in the place you are.

 

 

I mentioned last week that I had been interviewed about my thoughts on retirement. In the interview we discussed the difference in volunteer opportunities that are open to seniors. The reporter was interested in how I felt about situational volunteerism versus taking on a repetitive commitment. I agreed that for some, limiting there volunteerism to significant one time projects provides them a variety of opportunities to make a difference without the routine that comes from always doing the same thing. I was asked what I thought was better. My belief is that there are three choices we can make after we retire. We can hibernate, stay home, and just take it easy, sadly too often this leads to stagnation, health problems and declining quality of life. Some people decide to take on a variety of projects, it might be neighborhood cleanup this week and helping at a charitable event next week. Others love the discipline that comes from having a place to go every week where they help out their favorite organization. My answer to the reporter was that the only right answer was the one chosen by the retiree for himself.

The reason I mention it is that the president of a significant Indianapolis based not-for-profits left word on my answering machine telling me he had submitted my name to their board nominating committee. The committee chairman called and after some discussion I said that I would consider it if nominated. The reason for my hesitation is not due to any lack of quality or significance of the organization; it is highly respected and has much to offer Central Indiana. Rather it is because I have been actively avoiding any opportunities for service where I was important. I have enjoyed not having obligations that tie me down. If the truth be known I am concerned that periodic health problems and my travels would keep me from doing a good job. My quandary is that some of my advisors are telling me that I may be able to make a real contribution to the organization. Why is it that no is so hard to say? I am meeting with the president of the organization Wednesday, I will be interested in what I say. Wish me well.

~~~

The highest reward for a person’s work is not what they get for it, but what they become because of it.

John Ruskin

~~~

On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"  

"I’d yell ‘Man overboard,’" answered the lookout snappily.  

"Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?"  

The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?" 

~~~

"He’s the kind of friend who will always be there when he needs you."

Adam Christing

~~~

Diary of A Blonde’s Cooking…

MONDAY:  

It’s fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.  

TUESDAY:  

Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.  

WEDNESDAY:  

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can’t say it improved the rice any.  

THURSDAY:  

Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.  

FRIDAY:  

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.  

SATURDAY:  

Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.  

SUNDAY:  

Bob’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.  

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.  

~~~

Some people can tell time by looking at the sun, but I’ve never been able to see the numbers.

~~~

She said: When the icemaker in our new refrigerator broke, my husband dropped by the store to arrange for repairs.  Because the sun was bright, my husband’s eyes hadn’t adjusted to the dim light inside in time to see a woman sitting on the floor examining carpet samples.  He stepped on her leg and she screamed, causing him to jump into a display of fireplace tools that went crashing in every direction.  Unnerved, my husband stumbled over to the service desk, and as he went to rest his hands on the counter, he flipped over a bowl full of marbles, scattering them everywhere.  After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he announced to the wide-eyed woman working there, "My refrigerator doesn’t work." "I don’t doubt it," she replied.

~~~

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

~~~

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked,"Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you’re 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

The father polar bear replies, "Son, I’m 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don’t think your sparing my feelings if it’s not true. I gotta know–am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you’re 100% polar bear?"

"Because I’m freezing!"

~~~

Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure that there is one less scoundrel in the world.

Thomas Carlyle

~~~

A woman was shopping for fresh vegetables at a roadside stand. She picked up some ripe tomatoes and asked the price.

"Ninety-nine cents a pound," answered the owner.

"What? The stand down the road only charges seventy-nine cents a pound!" she exclaimed.

"Then why don’t you shop there?"

"They don’t have any."

"Well, when I don’t have any I charge seventy-nine cents, too!"

~~~

There are many wonderful things that will never be done if you don’t do them.

Charles D. Gill

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

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