“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be.”
A friend asked me to think about being stranded on an island. She said I could invite three people and she wanted to know who they would be and why? She said I could also have three books, three luxuries, a pet, and a secret vice. Sometimes I wish people would not require me to think this much, but since she asked here are my answers
The three people would be Ann Frank, because of her humanity, wisdom, and the ability to deal with loneliness, Bob Vila since I am probably the least handy person in the world, and my wife since she knows me better than I do plus she keeps track of all my medicines.
For books I would like a Treasury of Philosophy, there is so much in this world to wonder about that thinking along with the great philosophers of the past would keep my mind occupied. I also would bring a comprehensive world history so that I would not lose track of what brought us this far, and finally a survival guide that would provide me with things I needed to know and things I could do.
The three luxuries would be a completely outfitted kitchen so I could cook the food I love to eat; a satellite radio for music, spoken word, and the news; and a comfortable bed to sleep in.
The pet is easy, it would be a Miniature Schnauzer, we had one many years ago and he was a joy. Our current pet is a ceramic replica of him, we did not replace him with a live dog as the pain of losing the original was so heavy and we wanted to travel, etc.
The secret vice is a tough one, I have pretty much left them all behind, I can’t smoke, I can’t drink, I can’t…. can’t…can’t…, I guess my not-so-secret vice would be semi-gluttony, if you bring me a wide variety of food I will be content.
She also said I could have a book to record my journey, I hope she would let me substitute a laptop computer, I need spelling and grammar checkers, plus how could I communicate with you without a computer.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY’S wrong!"
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife’s better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I’m home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It’s after seven o’clock!"
"The best way to predict the future is to invent it."
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog’s rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their persons want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn’t get the attention you require…especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.
She said: A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. And a woman’s gotta do what he can’t.
"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about both.
The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."
Some people just don’t know how to drive…I call these people "Everybody But Me."
Boss: (to employee) – Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, so Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who’s there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
“There is none more lonely than the man who loves only himself.”
Abraham Ibn Esra
Stay well, do good work, and have fun.
Indianapolis, Indiana, USA
Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.
The editor is somewhat senile.