Ray's musings and humor

Archive for August, 2006

We’re back!

“He that would learn to pray, let him go to sea.”

~~~

We made it back from our cruise which included some unplanned excitement. Last Saturday we were tendering back to our ship from the shore in Cannes, France in one of the ships boats that has an open hatch on each side of the boat for passenger access. Passengers are seated on benches in an enclosed cabin surrounded by Plexiglas windows. The sea was fairly choppy when we pulled away from the dock but became quite heavy as we got further to sea. Soon the waves and wind became so strong that the boat would roll to the side by about 45 degrees and water would come over the side into the cabin. The bow would dip down into waves to the point that they were breaking over the top of the boat and water was coming in from overhead closed hatches. It got so rough that a few of the windows cracked and started leaking as well. As you can imagine people were screaming, most donned life vests, some cried while most turned white from fear. We finally made it to the ship with water sloshing around on the deck and attempted to tie up. Unfortunately the sea was so heavy that we continued to smash against the ships landing area to the point that damage was being done to the boat, so they sent us back, but not before some panicked passengers fought to get to the open hatch to try to jump to the ships landing, a crew member had to make them sit back down. Well we made it back OK,after waiting for calmer seas, a new boat, and a more experienced helmsman.

I don’t think anyone’s hair turned white but a few might have benefited from diapers and others from a few stiff drinks. One of my fellow passengers told me she was so sure that she was going to drown that she regretted not having a will to make it easier on her children. In my case, my life flashed in front of my eyes and I got the feeling I had seen it all before, unfortunately it was not all that interesting. But as you can tell we all survived and everything since seems somewhat unimportant.

I am sure those who shared the experience will talk about it for years. But you know what, if that is as bad as it gets for us we will do just fine.

Other than that the cruise was great, the weather was superb, the friends we made are truly special, and the ports had much to offer. The good news was that the shipboard entertainment was as good as it gets. The bad news is that the devil must have been the head chef because they gave me so much great food that I could not resist the temptations and gained more than ten pounds, so I am back on the treadmill and am dieting.

By the way those of you who get the daily sent to your mailbox may not see them first thing in the morning anymore. I found that sleeping aboard ship was so refreshing that I have decided to do more at home.

~~~

“Earth and sky, woods and fields, lakes and rivers, the mountain and the sea, are excellent schoolmasters, and teach some of us more than we can ever learn from books.”

John Lubbock

~~~

Bernie took his wife Sadie to see a psychiatrist for a check up.

After examining her, the doctor took Bernie to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your wife. Her mind has completely gone."

"I’m not really surprised," Bernie replied, "Sadie’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years."

~~~

Ineptitude: If you can’t learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.

~~~

The young secretary was describing her evening’s exploits to a friend. "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."

"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly, "Then what happened?"

"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said.

"You didn’t weaken your resolve did you?" asked the friend.

"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let HIS mother worry…"

~~~

Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.

~~~

Procrastinator’s Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.  

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.  

3. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.  

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.  

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.  

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.  

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.  

8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.  

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.  

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.  

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.  

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.  

13. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.  

~~~

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

~~~

A husband and wife were arguing about an investment the husband wanted to make. In the midst of the argument, he pointed out that men had better judgment than women.

"Well, I guess you’re right about that," replied the wife. "You asked me to marry you….and then I said yes!"

~~~

The only sure bulwark of continuing liberty is a government strong enough to protect the interests of the people, and a people strong enough and well enough informed to maintain its sovereign control over the government.  

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

~~~

A young man confided to his mother that he proposed taking unto himself a bride.  

"Whatsa dees?" screamed Mother. "Who’s a gonna love you like a Momma? Who’s a gonna starch-a you socks? Who’s a gonna make-a you lasagna?"  

"Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "Why are you talking like that? We aren’t even Italian." 

~~~

Only in America do we shop at places with limited parking, overpriced items, and long lines and insultingly, call them convenience stores.

~~~

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor immigrant with a beautiful white horse.

He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don’t think so, mister, it don’t look good," and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.

The poor man said, "No better not, it don’t look too good."

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

The poor man said well OK, and the rich man took the horse home.

The rich man’s daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, and it galloped away right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man’s house, demanding an explanation for the horse’s blindness.

The poor man replied, "I told you it don’t look so good!"

~~~

It is not only for what we do that we are held responsible, but also for what we do not do.

Moliere

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Farewell

 

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

Andre Gide

~~~

I leave for our European Cruise soon and I am taking Ray’s daily with me. Since we will both be gone for a couple of weeks you won’t be hearing from us for awhile.

I really enjoy cruising, primarily for the relaxation at sea. I have no duties and no responsibilities, I read, I eat, gamble a little, enjoy the entertainment and sleep. When I cruise it is like living in another dimension, there are no newspapers and while the ships now have satellite news on the room TV I tend just to let the world go by without notice. I have mixed emotions about doing that this time. I am leaving way too much hate, too many innocent deaths, with too many governments and organized groups acting like gunslingers. The quality of diplomacy seems to be at an all time low and there are trouble spots all over the world that could easily trigger even worse horror. The sad part is nobody is winning and everybody is losing and few are willing to sit down and talk about it. So my dilemma is do I ignore everything for two weeks and live in a fantasy world or do I stay on top of everything and share in the agony.

I have decided to leave the problems of the world to you while I am gone. I am going to live for a short time in a world where I wish we could find a permanent home, a world at peace, without violence, that offers a good life for all. I am hoping that with your efforts, and the efforts of others, I will return from fantasyland to a peaceful and tranquil world. If you cannot do something with your hands, you can do something with your heart, pray for us all for we truly need help.

I will miss everyone, not enough to stay, but enough to wish you were going along. See you soon. If you can’t behave while I am gone at least enjoy yourselves.

~~~

“Don’t be dismayed at goodbyes, a farewell is necessary before you can meet again and meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.”

Richard Bach

~~~

When the car engine developed a slight knock, Kerry asked her husband if he had bought premium or regular gas, but he couldn’t remember.

"You probably got the cheaper gas," she said. "That would account for the roughness of the engine."

"No, the gas wasn’t cheaper!" he replied indignantly, "It cost the same as always. I put in the usual ten dollars worth."

~~~

There are two types of roads in our country. One is under construction and the other is under repair.

~~~

My accountant father and my artist mother have very different views on balancing a checkbook. Mom usually kept the checkbook, but when Dad retired, he took over all the financial duties. He was really taken aback when he looked over the checkbook and found only dollar amounts recorded. It seems Mom hadn’t wanted to deal with any more math than she had to, so she’d eliminated the cents from every check. She’d round up if the partial dollar amounts were 50 cents or more and drop those under 50 cents. Dad feverishly went through stacks of canceled checks and registers, trying to correct her method. The difference in seven years of dollars only? Sixteen cents.

~~~

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

~~~

Enjoy this list of actual announcements that London tube train drivers have made to their passengers:  

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."  

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any."  

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination."  

"We are now traveling through Baker Street… As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that".  

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."  

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen…Unfortunately, towels are not provided."  

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause…) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home…."  

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions."  

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."  

"We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."  

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage – what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?"  

~~~

"Where we have strong emotions, we’re liable to fool ourselves."

Carl Sagan

~~~

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents "how was I born?"

"Well honey…" said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"OH," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

~~~

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore. You may keep the cushions with our compliments.”

~~~

My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.  

Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, and he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."  

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."  

~~~

We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean.

But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.

Mother Teresa

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Tag Cloud