Ray's musings and humor

Laugh Often

 

There is so much opportunity for good people. Those who are fortunate enough to understand that and do something are those who are truly fulfilled. Ralph Waldo Emerson had it right when he wrote:

To laugh often and much;

to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others;

to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;

to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.

 

And so did Robert Louis Stevenson when he wrote:

That man is successful who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much, who has gained the respect of the intelligent men and the love of children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who leaves the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who never lacked appreciation of earth’s beauty or failed to express it; who looked for the best in others and gave the best he had.

~~~

Let the beauty of what you love, be what you do.

Rumi

~~~

The woman was always frequenting small antique shops, but regardless of what she saw there, she always complained about something. The quality was poor, the prices too high, or the selection was limited.

The shop owners took it in stride, but one day, while ranting and raving, she yelled at the clerk, "Why is it I never manage to get what I ask for in your shop?"

The clerk simply smiled and replied, "Possibly, ma’am, because we’re too polite."

~~~

Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.

George E. Woodberry

~~~

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.  

When the examination was complete he said, "Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."  

"Well, in plain English, you’re just lazy," the doctor replied.  

"Okay," the man said. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."  

~~~

When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you’re mooning everyone behind you.

~~~

Need to diet? Then let’s get started!

Here’s the first rule of thumb:

If it tastes good…. spit it out.

~~~

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened. "Oh, nothing," Andy replied. "It’s just an old football injury that acts up once in a while."  

"Gee, I never knew you played football," Josh said.  

"No I don’t," Andy responded. "I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Super Bowl. I put my foot through the television." 

~~~

"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."

Graffito

~~~

Military words of wisdom]

"Aim towards the Enemy."  Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.  U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."  USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."  Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."  U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."  General Macarthur

"You, you, and you … Panic. The rest of you, come with me."  U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."  U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."  Infantry Journal

"If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush."  Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper … Once."  Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."  Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you."  Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."  USAF Ammo Troop

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, …. The pilot Dies."

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

~~~

"A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of."

Burt Bacharach

~~~

The [oh so] blonde coed came running in tears to her father.

"Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" asked the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in a lot of trouble."

"What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don’t think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying…’Insufficient Funds.’"

~~~

"Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength."

Eric Hoffer

~~~

The husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife "just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said "that’s ok sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. he found it just in time, but in a horrible position. he played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole.

He told his wife to knock the ball in. his wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker. he took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "honey, that was a bogey, and that’s ok, but I think we can do better on the next hole."

To which she replied, "listen dear, don’t yell at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."

~~~

If we listened to our intellect, we’d never have a love affair. We’d never have a friendship. We’d never go into business, because we’d be cynical. Well, that’s nonsense. You’ve got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.

Ray Bradbury

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

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