Ray's musings and humor

Archive for July, 2006

WOW! You can join today!

 

"What we fear comes to pass more speedily than what we hope."

Publilius Syrus

~~~

I am pleased to be able to offer you a charter membership in SEUF (Society for the Elimination of Unfounded Fear). Weekly dues are a dose of optimism. Meetings are held daily immediately after getting out of bed, all meetings are held via mental telepathy and attendance is mandatory. Each member identifies a fear to overcome that day and they then go out and have a worry-free good day.

In case you need a few worries to ignore, here are some of my favorites:

  • “Someone may cheat me so I am going to fear everyone in case it is them.” I would rather have someone cheat me every once in awhile than to treat everyone as a cheater.
  • “I have quit traveling, I don’t want to die at the hands of some terrorist.” It is as if we think a terrorist would pick us as the one in a billion persons that something will happen to today. It makes more sense to lock up the car and never drive since the odds are so much greater that something will happen then. If we stop traveling the terrorists will have beat us.
  • “I decided to quit going to meetings and parties, I am afraid I might not fit in and someone might not like me.” In my experience most people are not interested in judging us. I have found that by just being myself some people I meet will become my friend and others will just drift away and that is a great selection process. I wouldn’t even want everyone to like me because if they did it would mean I would never be able to just be me and I sure would hate to have missed a friend only because I was not there to meet them.
  • “I have something important to say, but I am afraid to say it, what if it is dumb? Anyway I am a poor writer and a lousy speaker.” So what? I have found it is what you say that counts, not how you say it. If everyone kept what they had to say to themselves we would never make any progress. And if I say something dumb I am glad to find out it’s dumb so I can let it go and move on, but most of time it isn’t dumb and learning what others think makes it even better.

If you want to take advantage of this free membership in SEUF just be at tomorrows meeting, the rest of us will be glad you did and I know I will like you even more than I do now.

~~~

"The only thing we have to fear is fear it’self – nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."

FDR – First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1933

~~~

MORTGAGE BANKING DICTIONARY

Borrower:  Otherwise intelligent consumer who believes lender should kiss him on both cheeks and give him the money – without all this credit report nonsense.

Closer: This person’s only job is to salvage forty or fifty emergencies at the last moment of every end of month.  This person is rarely sane.

Closing Date :  Put into purchase contracts to give the closer fits of hysterical laughter.

Credit Report:  Basis for advanced creative writing by Processor and buyer since white-out doesn’t work any more.

Escrow Officer :  A humorless individual who is only truly happy when they can blame the late closing on the lender.

Fannie Mae:  Government agency run by ex-stripper.

Freddie Mac:  Type of hamburger consumed in cars by loan officers.

Ginny Mae :  Type of alcoholic beverage consumed in large quantities by mortgage employees.

Good Faith Estimate:  Standard document which a loan officer presents to the buyer to confuse them further.

Loan Application:  Document which mysteriously causes amnesia to the borrower concerning income, credit, bills, and ex-spouses.

Loan Officer :  Highly qualified financial analyst who typically developed these skills while selling used cars or encyclopedias.

Processor:  Overworked, underpaid person who collects the garbage received from the loan officer and transforms it into a real loan.  These individuals are known to consume massive amounts of candy, popcorn, and cookies.

Rate:  This figure is always higher than the buyer’s uncle thinks it should be.

Realtor :  Highly trained professional who nevertheless has trouble figuring out how to subtract the down payment from the sales price to get the loan amount, but has no trouble figuring exact commission without a calculator.

Underwriter:  Conscientious employee otherwise known as "God". Their most difficult task is responding to loan agent’s explanations of poor credit and income history while maintaining a straight face.

We need further information:  We lost your file.

Your loan is in committee:  The underwriter/Processors are having a three margarita lunch and we can’t find them.

~~~

"A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to."

Granville Hicks

~~~

An award should go to the gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded flight was cancelled due to a mechanical problem. The airline left a single customer service agent with the monumental task of rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way past everyone else in line to the front of the counter. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said "I HAVE TO BE ON THIS FLIGHT AND IT HAS TO BE FIRST CLASS!!"

The agent replied, "I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to help you but I’ve got to help these folks first, then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the other passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone and made the following announcement "May I have your attention please" she began, her voice echoing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 17."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F#&*! YOU..!!!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at the airline.

~~~

"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."

Ellen DeGeneres

~~~

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

"It wasn’t easy," admitted the young lady, "but 3 girls helped me catch him."

~~~

A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme?’" she asked.  

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."  

"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.  

"I don’t think so," replied the man, "but it’s as close as I want to get."  

~~~

Perhaps the most important thing we can undertake toward the reduction of fear is to make it easier for people to accept themselves, to like themselves.

Bonaro W. Overstreet

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

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The Good Life Awaits!

 

There are three things that are certain in life: death, taxes and change.

You can’t avoid change, it’s mandatory, progress however is optional.

Bill R. Good, Jr.

~~~

I had lunch today with one of my favorite people. She had just returned from Israel where she attended a conference in preparation for a graduate class on Middle East conflict that she will teach in the fall. As often happens we worked on solving all the world’s problems and as always happens we didn’t. In the conversation I suggested that too many of us have become so distracted that we have forgotten what constitutes the good life, times in the past when we got along and overcame our differences so we could work together for the common good.

I think we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to not become so distracted that we lose sight of what we might do. I thought about that a little after lunch and decided to share with you something I put in a daily a few years back, here it is:

If you are like I am you sometimes wonder where your memory has gone. Fortunately for me I seem to be able to forget most of the bad things. Names of people I meet often return slowly, many times not until after they pass by. Even little things like standing in front of the refrigerator with the door open wondering why I am there is one of my life’s little adventures. But in the main, I like you, have many memories that I cherish, those that I can pull up in found remembrance of another time. Someone sent me the following awhile ago and I thought we could use the advice. It is our life; we might as well enjoy it. To paraphrase something a friend has often said, if you think you can’t, you won’t.

Do you remember the times when life seemed almost magical? Do you remember those days when you felt as if you were floating on air? Stop for a moment and fill yourself with those feelings of how very good, how very special life can be. Though the events may be distant in space and time, the positive feelings they bring can always be with you. Remember often how good life can be. For the more you remember, the more life you give to your best possibilities.

If you focus your attention on the worries, anxieties, conflicts and shortcomings, those are the things that will grow. Focus instead on how good life can be, and with every moment you’ll be making it better. Look up, rather than down, and you’ll see an infinitely bigger, more positive horizon. Celebrate life’s real and substantial goodness, and that goodness will come to dominate your reality. Take a moment, early and often, to remember how very good life can be. And make the goodness grow ever stronger.

If we don’t care and just look away, are we any different than those who have had responsibility for all the problems we face today?

~~~

Desire is half of life, indifference is half of death.

Kahlil Gibran

~~~

I lived in Chicago many years ago, we lived in a third floor apartment and had no garage so we had to park at the curb in front of our building. Sometimes the snow got really heavy, when it did my wife and my kids would shovel out a spot and guard it until I got home from work. It is in that memory that I share this big city tip.

This guy drives up to his house and where he parks is full of snow. So he parks in a nearby parking lot and walks back home to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house. It takes hours to shovel, but finally done, he walks back to the lot to get his car. When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other car. He is, well, upset.  

What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Police sometimes get involved however, when the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this. This guy decides to get creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water of course froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized Popsicle.  

The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here, it’s yours until spring!"

~~~

Those who wish to sing, always find a song.

Swedish Proverb

~~~

He was a young Pastor, and as usual, he was running late getting into town…. and he was speeding.  

Then to top it off, he looked in the review mirror only to see the lights of the Highway Patrol!  Already late for church and figuring he’d try for leniency, he quickly slapped his Bible on the dash of his car as the trooper walked up to the window and asked to see his drivers license.  

Looking at his name and title on the license, the trooper asked, "You’re a Reverend huh?" The young Pastor affirmed that.  

The trooper then began writing out a speeding ticket and said, "Well, Reverend; your speedometer runneth over."  

As the trooper handed him the ticket and started to walk away, his last comment was, "Oh, by the way…. the Bible on the dash…. nice touch." 

~~~

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

Henny Youngman

~~~

If you need a laugh, read through these Children’s Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children.  

Q: Name the four seasons.   A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.   

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.   A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.  

Q: How is dew formed?   A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.  

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?   A: Keep it in the cow.  

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?   A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.  

Q: What are steroids?   A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.  

Q: What happens to your body as you age?   A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.  

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?   A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.  

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.   A: Premature death.  

Q: What is artificial insemination?   A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.  

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (ergo.,   abdomen.)   A: The body is consisted into three parts— the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.  

Q: What is the fibula?   A: A small lie.  

Q: What does "varicose" mean?   A: Nearby.  

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"   A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?’   A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.  

~~~

"I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it."

Harry Truman

~~~

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland.  

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?  

"Suspicion of anything foreign."

~~~

"I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, ‘Did you know it’s time for your annual check-up?’ No. But now my postman does."

Cathy Ladman

~~~

Good and evil do not befall men without reason.

Heaven sends them happiness or misery according to their conduct.

Confucius

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Thanks for letting me be your friend!

 

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.

Malcolm S. Forbes

~~~

I again am especially fortunate for in the last few weeks I have met some wonderful and amazing people. As happens often these days I get to spend hours getting to know someone new as we discuss what they would like to do with the rest of their lives. In almost every case the people I meet are truly special; the only problem is that they often don’t know just how special they are.

Our lives are like a gold mine filled with nuggets, all we have to do is find them. The people I meet too often take for granted the very things that make them special. Often as we talk someone will learn things about themselves that they had forgotten or never even realized. It might be that summer in High School when they worked with handicapped kids, or how they are always there with a helping hand, their history is rich and their attributes many, their list is filled with nuggets as we mine their past and their present.

How sad it is that too many of us place so much importance, on wealth, title, and material things that we often are totally blind to the virtues we posses. Everyone is special, they are not special because they can jump higher, ran faster, or make more money; they are special because of all the things they do, both the little things and the big things. For me I much prefer somebody who takes the time to wipe away someone’s tear than someone who is too self-important to notice. Everyone has much to offer, all they need to do is understand just how special they are.

~~~

True merit, like a river, the deeper it is, the less noise it makes.

Edward Frederick Halifax

~~~

She said:

Before I was a Mom – I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mom – I cleaned my house each day. I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn’t worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom – I had never been puked on – Pooped on – Spit on – Chewed on, or peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night

Before I was a Mom – I never held down a screaming child So that doctors could do tests…Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom – I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn’t want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn’t stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom – I didn’t know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn’t know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn’t know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn’t know that something so small could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom – I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

~~~

She also said: Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

~~~

Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany. He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.

When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth.

So Moisha explained: "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth."

The customs official shook his head and said, "Well, that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"

Moisha then said, "Well, us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.

The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"

"Well, to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

~~~

"If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything."

Bill Lyon

~~~

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.  

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job."  

Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!"  

The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."  

Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"  

The manager replied, "Well, the American put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.’"  

~~~

"If in the last few years you haven’t discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead."

Gelett Burgess

~~~

Things You Wouldn’t Know Without Movies

* Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

* It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

* It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

* Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people — whether they are employed or not.

* At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

* Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

* Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

* When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

* If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

~~~

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

Buddha

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

OK, who is it?

 

 

Society has always seemed to demand a little more from human beings than it will get in practice.

George Orwell

~~~

OK, I want to know who is in charge!!! Who ever you are you promised us a better world. Some of us went to war in order to plant the seeds that we were told would provide happiness and prosperity to all. What happened?

Who ever you are please:

·         Stop the killing of the innocent.

·         Feed the starving children.

·         Provide care to the sick and aged.

·         Provide opportunity to those who want to work.

·         Teach us not to hate.

·         Make sure we all have someone to love.

·         Provide us the ability to know that a spring rain, a laughing child, a helping hand, and love for our fellow man is what life is all about.

Those of my generation promised ourselves that our children would find peace and happiness and we have let them down, we are leaving them with more problems then we had and sadly few of us have helped them understand what they can do to solve those problems.

OK, you are right; it is we who are in charge. We bear much of the blame for the world as it is today, we have been too busy to think of others, it is a world we let fall into disrepair. I just hope we can learn to quit fighting among ourselves and get back to the work of fulfilling the promise.

~~~

Think what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about three o’clock every afternoon and then lay down on our blankets for a nap.

Barbara Jordan

~~~

How to move a computer

Sometimes it becomes necessary to move your computer to a new location for whatever reason; installing/adding new hardware or just decided to move it for "easier access", for instance (note easier access in quotation marks). Whatever your reason is, this handy guide may help you alleviate some of the stress that always arises in such occasions. Keep in mind that this is a venture only to be undertaken by those who know what they’re doing…and masochists.

1. Bone up on your cursing. You will need it later.

2. Pick a *good* spot to locate your computer. Don’t be too picky; you will regret having started on this venture soon enough.

3. Disconnect all cables, cords, power sources, umbilical cords and plumbing. Look at the black, gray & white spaghetti mess on the floor and sob. Refer to number 1. While you’re at it, it helps to focus on cursing Bill Gates and Steve Jobs for making all this possible.

4. Be sure to dust machine off, since it’s been sitting for months in one spot, gathering a dust mound the size of Mt. Rainier. This is especially essential if you have asthma.

5. Now that you’ve picked a *good* spot, it’s time to replace all the cables, cords, etc. Make sure it’s in a dark, hard-to-reach location.

6. New computers have color-coded plugs and plugins to make assembly easier. This has no bearing on you since your computer is in a dark, hard-to-reach location and they’re all the same color: gray. See number 1.

7. Get a flashlight. Look for new batteries for flashlight you’ve left in the junk drawer for months. Go to store to buy new flashlight batteries since you don’t have any. Rule number 1 is coming in handy now.

8. While inserting various cords and cables, be sure to drop at least one on the floor behind the desk, where it will take a contortionist to retrieve it.

9. Find out that your printer cable is now not long enough to reach the computer (see number 1). Oh well, you didn’t use it that much anyway.

10. Once you have all the cables, etc. back in place, turn computer back on.

11. Sit, puzzled why computer isn’t working.

12. Plug monitor in.

13. Ponder why keyboard and mouse don’t work.

14. Switch keyboard and mouse plugins.

15. Call spouse in to admire your handiwork.

16. Spouse informs you that he/she liked it better where it was, and to move it back.

17. When asked why you’re banging your head on the monitor, don’t reply. It would only confuse him/her.

~~~

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

Mohandas Gandhi

~~~

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks. "Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183." Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

~~~

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

~~~

Two blondes were talking over coffee one morning about men. Susan said, "I can’t understand why men are so afraid of commitment."

Debbie replied, "Tell me about it! I dated one guy for a year and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.

"What did you say?" Susan asked

"I just told him, ‘Look, either you tell me your last name, or it’s over!’"

~~~

At my age, I’ve begun to regret the sins I did NOT commit.

~~~

The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she’d died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"

"Not at all," my son said.

"When would be a good time?" she asked.

My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."

~~~

Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.

Robert Louis Stevenson

~~~

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"

The girl says, "I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you."

The guy says, "I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

~~~

"Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

A. L. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)

~~~

Young son: Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you’re perfect?

Father: She does? Wow! How do you know?

Young son: I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith.

Father: When was that?

Young son: Just before she used the word idiot.

~~~

What is the use of a house if you haven’t got a tolerable planet to put it on?

Henry David Thoreau

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Get out your palette, we are going to paint today

Most people live and die with their music still unplayed. They never dare to try.

Mary Kay Ash

~~~

I often think that too many people believe that fate provides them an excuse to just stay as they are as they wither on the vine. I think of fate as the background in which we exist. Some of us are no more than a still life in the picture, never moving, never changing. Others cling to the background accepting that where they are is their fate and all they can do is move within the picture.

But those with a zest for life know that fate does not need to freeze us on our life canvas, they use wide brush stokes and add color and texture to the background while they thrive in the foreground. What fate has in store for us today is nothing more than a momentary picture in time, and as we move on we will take many pictures that are different as we live out our day, week, month, and years. So grab your palette knife and splash some color on your picture, I think you will be glad you did.

~~~

Change is everywhere,

All around us.

If you do not notice any change,

You are not changing.

If you do not notice any change,

Have you seen,

The ocean,

The skies,

The seas,

The land?

If you do not notice any change,

You, alone, will never change.

Kelland Chew

~~~

Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

~~~

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.  

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy."  

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you’ll love the third one just as if it’s your own." 

~~~

Truth often suffers more by the heat of its defenders, than from the arguments of its opposers.

William Penn

~~~

When flying you really don’t want to hear….

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of our airline’s new commitment to make your a flight a sight-seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o’clock: one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm….Sorry……(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff): Uhhhhh, we have to go back, we, we, uhhhhhh, forgot something.

7. I’m sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we’ll be flying much more efficiently now.

8. This is your Captain speaking: These stupid planes are a lot different than the boats I’m used to, so you’ll have to give me some leeway.

9. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

~~~

"I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants."

A. Whitney Brown

~~~

A young lad and his mother were walking down the street one day when suddenly the boy yelled out excitedly, "Mother, Mother, Look at that bowlegged man!"

His mother immediately hushed him explaining it was not polite to make fun of bowlegged people.

The next day the same thing happened, "Look mother, there’s that bowlegged man!"

The mother grabbed the lad by the arm saying, "When we get home you’ll be punished for this outburst."

When they got home, she gave her son a work by Shakespeare, "Go to you room and read this book. You can’t come out until you have finished it. Maybe you will learn something from this punishment."

Two days later they are walking down the same street when the boy again spots the person he had been making fun of: "Hark! What manner of men are these, Who weareth their legs in parentheses?"

~~~

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

~~~

David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party. The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.

At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I’ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

~~~

"An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today."

Laurence J. Peter

~~~

I’ve been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an _expression of delight and said, "Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It’s very common among losers."

~~~

"There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval."

George Santayana

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Friday. I am so glad your here!

 

“Together forever, never apart.

Maybe in distance but never at heart.”

~~~

I got behind again today so I thought I would send you a blast from the past, on this day in 2003 I wrote:

I am often asked why I send this to you and others. It is because in one way or the other we have connected, either directly or through a friend. Many I see often, some seldom and unfortunately some I may never meet in person. You live in Europe, Asia, or North America. You are Doctors, retirees, health workers, government officials, business people, housewives, and much more. Each day I feel like we join together for a few minutes. In a way we are all friends even if there is no direct connection between you and someone else who reads our daily.

What brought all this to mind, was a conversation with a friend who is based in Washington, DC. He has just learned that his wife is suffering from a rare and potentially devastating disease. She will be going through rigorous therapeutic procedures for at least three months. Her disease can only be treated by a few specialists and will take place in various medical facilities in the US.

I was saddened by the news and I hope that the miracle of modern medicine will pull her through. It seems to me that often we only think about cost and medical insurance when faced with major health needs. But I think there may be another type of insurance that we often overlook. That is spiritual insurance; it comes from those of us who are fortunate enough to only have inconsequential problems and who hope and pray for those who truly face major life issues. We may not know this lady, but she is one of us.

With all the pain we see in the world today I think we need each other more than ever. In the case of my friends wife it worked, it took months of painful therapy but she made it and I am so glad she did, her and her husband are some of those good people that you and I respect so much.

~~~

“What I do you cannot do; but what you do, I cannot do. The needs are great, and none of us, including me, ever do great things. But we can all do small things, with great love, and together we can do something wonderful.”

Mother Teresa

~~~

Senior citizens, good news!

Of memory, hearing, all the faculties, the last to leave us is sexual desire and the ability to make love. That means that long after we’re wearing bifocals and hearing aids, we’ll be making love. We just won’t remember with whom.

~~~

I believe with all my heart that civilization has produced nothing finer than a man or woman who thinks and practices true tolerance.

Frank Knox  

~~~

PRISON VS BEING A HOUSEWIFE

  • In prison you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.
  • In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest Lego creation.
  • In prison you get to watch TV, cable even. At home you get to listen your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.
  • In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.
  • In prison all your medical care is free. At home you have to pawn your mother’s silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.
  • In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up. At home you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.
  • In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day. At home you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and what the heck is free time again?
  • In prison you get your own personal toilet. At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you’re done so you can do something for them.
  • In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes. At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s, and get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.
  • In prison they take you everywhere you need to go. At home you take everybody else where they need to go.
  • In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing. At home you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.
  • In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t. At home….stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

~~~

“A year, ten years from now, I’ll remember this;

Not why, only that we were here like this, together.”

Adrienne Rich

~~~

An investment banker was on the pier of a small coastal village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. His boat was full of beautiful yellow tuna. The banker complimented the fisherman on his catch, asking how long it took to catch. The fisherman replied "only a short time." The banker asked why not stay out and catch more. The fisherman replied, "I’ve enough fish to feed my family."

The banker then asked what did the fisherman do with the rest of his time, and he replied, "I will sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening, sip wine with my friends, play my guitar, … I have a full and busy life."

The banker was not impressed. "I have a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat and from those increased proceeds you could buy several boats and soon have a fleet. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you could control production, processing and distribution by building your own cannery. You could leave this small coastal village and move to the city then to New York where you could run your expanding enterprise."

The fisherman asked, "How long will this take?"

The banker said, "Ten to 20 years. Then you would announce an IPO and sell your stock to the public, making millions and millions."

"But what then?"

"Ah, now you get to the best part", said the banker smiling. "You could retire to a small coastal village where you could sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings, sip wine and play your guitar with your friends".

~~~

“We can work together for a better world with men and women of goodwill,

those who radiate the intrinsic goodness of humankind.”

Wangari Maathai

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

I am so glad you are here

 

“Together forever, never apart.

Maybe in distance but never at heart.”

~~~

I got behind again today so I thought I would send you a blast from the past, on this day in 2003 I wrote:

I am often asked why I send this to you and others. It is because in one way or the other we have connected, either directly or through a friend. Many I see often, some seldom and unfortunately some I may never meet in person. You live in Europe, Asia, or North America. You are Doctors, retirees, health workers, government officials, business people, housewives, and much more. Each day I feel like we join together for a few minutes. In a way we are all friends even if there is no direct connection between you and someone else who reads our daily.

What brought all this to mind, was a conversation with a friend who is based in Washington, DC. He has just learned that his wife is suffering from a rare and potentially devastating disease. She will be going through rigorous therapeutic procedures for at least three months. Her disease can only be treated by a few specialists and will take place in various medical facilities in the US.

I was saddened by the news and I hope that the miracle of modern medicine will pull her through. It seems to me that often we only think about cost and medical insurance when faced with major health needs. But I think there may be another type of insurance that we often overlook. That is spiritual insurance; it comes from those of us who are fortunate enough to only have inconsequential problems and who hope and pray for those who truly face major life issues. We may not know this lady, but she is one of us.

With all the pain we see in the world today I think we need each other more than ever. In the case of my friends wife it worked, it took months of painful therapy but she made it and I am so glad she did, her and her husband are some of those good people that you and I respect so much.

~~~

“What I do you cannot do; but what you do, I cannot do. The needs are great, and none of us, including me, ever do great things. But we can all do small things, with great love, and together we can do something wonderful.”

Mother Teresa

~~~

Senior citizens, good news!

Of memory, hearing, all the faculties, the last to leave us is sexual desire and the ability to make love. That means that long after we’re wearing bifocals and hearing aids, we’ll be making love. We just won’t remember with whom.

~~~

I believe with all my heart that civilization has produced nothing finer than a man or woman who thinks and practices true tolerance.

Frank Knox  

~~~

PRISON VS BEING A HOUSEWIFE

  • In prison you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.
  • In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest Lego creation.
  • In prison you get to watch TV, cable even. At home you get to listen your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.
  • In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.
  • In prison all your medical care is free. At home you have to pawn your mother’s silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.
  • In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up. At home you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.
  • In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day. At home you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and what the heck is free time again?
  • In prison you get your own personal toilet. At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you’re done so you can do something for them.
  • In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes. At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s, and get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.
  • In prison they take you everywhere you need to go. At home you take everybody else where they need to go.
  • In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing. At home you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.
  • In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t. At home….stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

~~~

“A year, ten years from now, I’ll remember this;

Not why, only that we were here like this, together.”

Adrienne Rich

~~~

An investment banker was on the pier of a small coastal village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. His boat was full of beautiful yellow tuna. The banker complimented the fisherman on his catch, asking how long it took to catch. The fisherman replied "only a short time." The banker asked why not stay out and catch more. The fisherman replied, "I’ve enough fish to feed my family."

The banker then asked what did the fisherman do with the rest of his time, and he replied, "I will sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening, sip wine with my friends, play my guitar, … I have a full and busy life."

The banker was not impressed. "I have a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat and from those increased proceeds you could buy several boats and soon have a fleet. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you could control production, processing and distribution by building your own cannery. You could leave this small coastal village and move to the city then to New York where you could run your expanding enterprise."

The fisherman asked, "How long will this take?"

The banker said, "Ten to 20 years. Then you would announce an IPO and sell your stock to the public, making millions and millions."

"But what then?"

"Ah, now you get to the best part", said the banker smiling. "You could retire to a small coastal village where you could sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings, sip wine and play your guitar with your friends".

~~~

“We can work together for a better world with men and women of goodwill,

those who radiate the intrinsic goodness of humankind.”

Wangari Maathai

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

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